Afterwards

After he came, and when I laid back down, he told me how awesome I was. He said that my blow job was “honestly the best one” he had ever had. He said he didn’t know if I did it on purpose or not, but he loved that I kept him from cumming multiple times just by changing one little thing, making it last longer.

I keep on thinking to myself “wow, I sucked him off. Really? Wow.” I was feeling pretty good. At least I was until I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to run my fingers down his bare back, suck on his ear lobe, suck on his neck, bite it a little. I wanted to feel his arms wrapped around me, holding me all night, kissing my back.

This is what I mean by attachment issues. I get clingy after I get intimate with a guy. I get all sentimental and emotional. I kept thinking how much it sucks that he is leaving soon. I kept on thinking how he was the first guy that was able to run his hands all over without me breaking out into a fit of giggles. The only one that can give me chills instead of those damn giggles.

But you know, without my emotional issues, I was glad I did it. I was kinda craving cock, and wanted something to do with someone I trust. I trust this guy so much, since we know each other so well, that I would probably be able to let him be my first, if it ever came down to it.

In the morning, half asleep, he accidentally took my cell and his when he left. Later that evening he came by to bring my phone back. I was like awesome, I can hang out and talk to him some more. I really needed to. But, knowing my luck, he was in a hurry and had to go see his other best friend before he takes off. I felt really bummed.

Oh well, we talked about how it was possible that this would happen. Or maybe I am just being paranoid. When he sees me now he hugs me tighter than he ever has. And he said he would probably want me to blow him at least once before he leaves. It would be my pleasure. Maybe I will even let him take care of me.

Speaking of taking care of my needs, when I got home that afternoon, no one was home, and I was hornier than hell. In no time I had my bullet ready and glass wand at hand, pants off. I quickly got to work, and oh, it felt so damn good. But damn it to hell, there was something missing I felt. I finally felt so out of it that I turned my vibe off to think about what was wrong.

Then it hit me. For once I wanted to let someone please me, not just me please myself. I kept thinking how he owes me a booty call for taking care of him the night before, and then I was turned on again. Of course, within a few seconds of thinking of him doing things to me, to my body, I came hard and fast. And for the first time in a long time, I came twice. It had been a long time since I had a multiple orgasm.

A couple days after I wrote those words above, it all only feels half true. I write this now, two nights after it all happened, and I feel paranoid as hell. I called him today, knowing I needed to talk to him, but of course he was tired and was going straight home after work to sleep and wasn’t planning on going out. That’s when I think I started to panic. I almost felt like a used cheap whore.

I mean, I told him I had attachment issues, but he totally coaxed me into doing it. I felt like since he knew all my weaknesses, being one of my best friends and knowing everything about me, he used them against me. I feel so confused. One minute I was proud that I was good and he said it, and the next I feel used. Before I was on a total power trip, completely in control of everything, and now I feel like the lowest, smallest, and weakest person on earth.

Still, I keep trying to remind myself that I liked doing it, that if I hadn’t I would be typing about the “what ifs” instead of the “confusion” of it all. There are so many things that could be making me feel as confused as I am, as paranoid as I feel.
Number one, I have attachment issues. I told him that, and I don’t think I will feel better until I talk to him, if I get to talk to him. Number two reason could be that in our whole talk before the crazy events was that he said he couldn’t date me now, since he was leaving, but there was always the possibility of after, when we have both matured more. Him saying that planted that little seed of hope. Us doing what we did watered that seed, making it grow into what I think is the beginning of attachment.

That scares me. I don’t need this. This is why even though I always wanted a friend with benefits, I never thought I could have one, because I would be afraid of getting attached. I am a lot calmer than I was earlier this afternoon. Forbidden Fruit Guy kept asking what was wrong. I couldn’t tell him. He would know who it was. I wanted someone to talk to though. I needed to talk, but I had no one to turn to, and the guy this is about was unavailable. That figures. I don’t think he understood how much I needed to talk.

I know we had both decided that we wouldn’t tell anyone that it happened, but I was going crazy in my mind. I decided to message one of my friends that I know very well, they know me very well, and the guy I blew and  the person I decided to talk to have never heard of each other. They really helped. I won’t say what we talked about, but they really knocked some sense into me.

Oh, and I have the perfect song for my situation, that I definitely dedicate to my friend that I blew. “Head Over Heels” by Alanis Morrissette. I never really cared for her music much when I was younger, but I now have a few songs I love. This is one. I can’t seem to stop listening to it.

Oh well. I am moving on for now. Things are not sitting as heavily on my mind as heavily as they used to, and I have stopped trying to over think things. I feel so much better, so much calmer, more relaxed. I am ready to let things happen as they happen. But through all my tormenting drama, no regrets, and possibly second chances. If not, this is all a learning experience.

Give me some love.