The Ex List (Ex # 4)

I met my fourth ex at work. Now, I will admit there was quite the age gap between us. He had been married once before, and no kids. When we first met he would pick on me, but everyone did, teasingly of course. After about a year of talking just at work, we exchanged IM’s. We would talk every now and then, leaving offline messages mostly because we had such different schedules.

One day I was going to have to take the bus home, so I asked if he wanted to hang out after I got out of class. He said sure and said he would pick me up after my last class got out. I was nervous all day. When he picked me up we went back to his house. He showed me old pictures, I met his cat, and later he took me home.

We did this for a few weeks, I would get out of class and he would pick me up. He asked me to have dinner with him on Valentine’s Day. I said that would be ok, and so he picked me up after he got off work. He barbequed some steaks, cooked some pasta, and made some garlic bread. For dessert we had ice cream.

A week later when we were hanging out at his house, he told me how he felt. I started feeling a little nervous. I had an idea he liked me, and I thought that I liked him too, but I was afraid of the age gap. Then he kissed me. We talked for a little bit, and then he dropped me off at home.

Two days later we went to breakfast with my mom, went back to his house, and talked about our feelings. We decided to give it a try. I brought a movie with me to watch, but we didn’t pay attention to the movie. We ended up making out the whole way through.

We moved way too fast. I knew it, and I told him. He knew it too. It was a good seven months, and everyone was supportive of us. At least everyone except my friends supported us.

Things were good for the first few months, I was happy, he was happy. Then, after about 5 months into the relationship I started feeling really bored. We never did anything, we never went anywhere. After about six months I started feeling really depressed. Also, school started back up, and I got to feeling overwhelmed with school and the relationship put together. I started to feel us slip away. I think another part that had to do with us is the birth control I was on. It really started to mess with my hormones.

Four days before our seven month mark, I broke up with him. I just realized that we got along better as friends. I wanted to focus my time on school. I wanted to get out and discover myself. I started to feel like I was settling down, something I was not ready to feel at twenty years old.

He was heartbroken, and he still is. We are trying to work on being friends again, but at times he makes it really hard for me. I hear from people at work that he is not doing too good, but I think he sucks it up when I am around. I really want us to be friends again, but he makes it really hard sometimes because he always starts talking about the what ifs and should have beens.

Sometimes I catch myself reporting to him. I get halfway through a text message and then realize I don’t have to tell him everything that’s going on. I feel like I have a lot more freedom. I try not to appear online to him as much, because although I am happy to talk, he makes it hard sometimes. Plus, I don’t want to give him the wrong idea of hope for us in the future.

I really don’t think I can go through what we went through again. Maybe if I was older, but certainly not now. I want to discover myself, learn about who I am. I want to explore my sexuality. I think this is the age where one learns the most about themselves.

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