As I said in my last post, I have the worst jealous bone ever. If there was one thing I could change about myself, it would be that I didn’t have my jealous bone. I have had this problem ever since I was little. When my mom would babysit, I would get jealous that the kid being watched got more attention than me. As I grew older, I would get jealous because of feeling left out.
I have never done well in big groups of people. I always got left out, especially in class or P.E. when it came to choosing teams. I would always get picked last. During sleepovers and birthday parties, I would always be the quiet observer in the corner, not being invited to join in. I have gotten better now about group things, but only when I am with my closest friends. I feel comfortable enough to join in. Yet, when it comes to group projects for class, I am the worst. I hate working in groups. Sometimes I even have trouble at work. For example, I feel upset when one of my co-workers does something that I was about to do myself. I feel upset because then I have to replan how I was going to go about my routine.
Growing up though, I am wondering if my jealousy has turned more into a mama hen thing. I am very protective of my friends. Most of my friends are guys, and most girls I don’t trust. I don’t trust most girls because I got stabbed in the back too many times when I was younger. I have gotten better about being around girls though. Anyways, I want to protect my friends from getting hurt. So I wonder if my “jealousy” ties into wanting to be protective and not wanting to feel left out.
For example, when one of my guy friends goes on dates, or ditches me to go hang out with another girl, I feel upset. I feel a mixture of jealousy, protectiveness, and slightly left out. Last week’s outing at the titty bar is a perfect example. It was me and all of my guy friends, including the one I gave head to the week before. We all left extremely horny, and he started saying he was going to try to get laid.
I really wanted to have one last chance with him before he left, so I offered to let him stay over again. He just looked at me and said that we would have to talk about it later. I felt really hurt. I guess it was a good thing that he refused my offer, because in the end I am sure I would have felt really hurt and used just like I did last time. At the same time though, I was hurt because I felt inadequate, like I couldn’t satisfy him, or wasn’t good enough to satisfy.
All in all, I think my jealousy issue has to do with low self confidence. All my life I always felt like I wasn’t good enough. Getting picked last or never included in groups just made me feel worse. I was never social growing up. I still am pretty anti social except with my select group of friends. I am sure this whole post was just me rambling on, but I felt like I needed to get something out into the open.