Behaved

I think there is one friend that I have that I actually behave around. I keep my hands to myself and I keep the conversations PG. With my other friends, I sometimes have the tendency to touch, grab, poke, or pinch in a most often times, unwanted manner. With this one particular friend, who we will call Ian, I am a good girl.

Unfortunately, I only get to see Ian once or twice a year, since he lives three hours away. I have had a crush on him since high school, and always thought he liked me back. Last year though we talked about it, and I found out that he never thought of me as more than a friend. I was totally fine with that and moved on.

I try to keep in touch with him through phone, calling him every now and again, since he never calls me. He is a total sweetheart. Everything I had ever wanted in a boyfriend. Even though I know he doesn’t like me in the way that I would like, he still sends me mixed signals. He is super sweet, and says things/does things that I would think a boyfriend would do. My friends all like him, and always said we would be great together. They seemed disappointed when I told them otherwise.

Anyways, his mom moved this summer, so after that he had no reason to really come down and visit, since he didn’t think he had a place to stay. Well, I finally talked my mom into letting me invite him to stay for my two days off from work. He said he could come down, since his job was seasonal. A few days later when I called him, he ended up cancelling his plans to come down because he found out he did have to work.

Well, I work graveyards now, since school is out. I love it, firstly because I am away from my ex, and secondly because there is more to do during that shift and it goes by a lot quicker. Anyways, I didn’t get to sleep until 10 AM Tuesday morning (I work 10 PM to 6 AM). At 3:30 that afternoon, he called me to tell me he was on his way, that his work for the rest of the week was cancelled due to bad weather. I was still half asleep, but told him to drive safe. He got here three hours later.

Now let me tell you a little more about Ian. He is VERY shy, as well as being super sweet. He is a total gentleman. He is also very indecisive. I sometimes get frustratged with him when he comes to visit because we waste hours trying to figure out what he wants to do. The past few times he has come out I would be close to being mad at him because I really wasn’t in the mood to wait for someone to pick and choose. Yes, I can get very grouchy, especially when I was working since six in the morning, having gotten up at 4 AM after going to bed at 11 PM. Yeah, I am not a morning person and a total bear when I don’t get enough sleep.

So anyways, I warn him early on that night that I have a very important question to ask him, but one I knew he would be indecisive about. What question would this be? Where did he want to sleep? His two choices was with me or the couch. As I figured, he was a gentleman and chose the couch.

My mom and Forbidden Fruit found it kind of funny that he would not “sleep with me.” I was a little bummed, but brightened up when I realized that that meant I could masturbate. Think again.

Go back to the beginning of this post when I said he is the only friend I behave around. As I rubbed the vibrating bullet on my clit, I just could not get off. I felt creepy. Never have I felt creepy masturbating in my own bed, in my own room. Sure, I feel creepy if I try to masturbate in the shower or at someone else’s home, but never in my room. I didn’t even feel creepy when I masturbated next to Anna and Nathan while they had sex. (Another post, I promise).

I mentioned how I felt to Forbidden Fruit, and he came up with a good theory. Because he is the only one I really truly behave around, I had an internal mindset of that “behavior.” Wow, that really sucks. No matter how horny I was, my mind couldn’t let me get off.

To make matters worse, every time he comes out for a visit, I always have a very sexual dream about him. Not sexual in a sense that we actually have sex, but enough to get me wound up. I always end up having the same dream though. He is getting ready to leave, and we somehow end up making out. The last night he was here, I had a dream that we were sitting around, talking while he got ready to go. He looked at me and asked what I wanted to do. I tell him I want to kiss him, and we end up making out. Starting slowly, a tester kiss, then rolling around the floor, wrapped in each other’s arms, running our hands all over each other’s bodies.

Of course, when I wake up, I always realize it was only a dream. Knowing that it was only a dream and always will be is so frustrating.

Give me some love.