Not Sure What I Want

The more I continue to talk to Toby, the more I question my feelings. It is kind of irritating. A month ago I was forgetting about him, because I never saw him anymore. Now that he contacted me, I begin to wonder, “What are my feelings? What do I want out of this?”

Looking back at my previous posts about him, I recall a part in a post about how I tried to picture us doing stuff sexually. Those images are beginning to feel more clear, more realistic.

Last night, after talking to Sarah, she told me that it was a good idea to text him, since I hadn’t texted him since he cancelled on me. She said he probably thought I was mad at him since I hadn’t said anything. She told me what to say. “Hey cutie, whatchya up to? How are you?” That began an all night conversation of texting back and forth.

Basically, he is under the assumption that I like him more than a friend. This is kind of true, but I played hard to get, and still am. He also claims that I seem nice, and that I seem like I want to do things with him. Most of the night we spent asking in different ways what the other wanted out of whatever happens. I guess we are just gonna go with the flow and see what happens.

I am fine with this, to a certain extent. The truth is, I still don’t know what I want out of this. I still don’t think I know him well enough to be able to tell what I am feeling deep down. I do know that my stomach does flip flops now when I think of us doing anything, whether it is kissing or anything else that COULD happen.

I asked him what he wanted, whether he was looking for a good time, or more, or what. His response was that he would just go with the flow and see where it leads.

Heh, remember how one of my previous posts about him said that I liked to push things, see how much I could say without saying too much? Well, I don’t think he knows that I am technically still a virgin. I would love to see his reaction to that. Would he stop talking to me, not care, or be even more inclined to talk to me? I would love to just send him a text saying: “Oh, just one thing…you know that I am still a virgin right?” I want to text that so bad, but I think that is something I need to say in person, so I can at least try to read his reaction more easily.

Call me a crazy woman, but I have been logging everything that he and I say to each other through MySpace and text. I don’t know why. I think it is so I can look back more easily and be able to say “Ok, he said this, but what does this mean?” kind of stuff. Kind of like I have been using my previous blog posts to cross reference what has happened since the beginning of this strange…interaction(?) Oh, how I would love to post that lovely four pages (so far) and update it when necessary to get everyone’s opinion on what he is thinking, anything I can say to throw him off guard. However, I know that would be crossing the line.

Give me some love.