Setting Myself Up

So, I hadn’t heard anything from Toby (except seeing him for a few seconds at work on the weekends) until the day I sent a wrong text (telling about my nipple piercings) to him. Anyways, a couple weeks back he sent me a random out of the blue text asking what was up. I was with friends and I told him so. He then texts back saying he is bored and would invite me over, but I was with friends.

I didn’t hear from him again until I saw him at work that weekend when I got to work graveyard. He seemed surprised to see me, but also didn’t look happy. We ended up having lunch at the same time (imagine that). At lunch he starts talking about his date that he went dancing with the night before. I spent the rest of the night trying to convince myself that I didn’t care.

I got a text from him a few days later, the last day of finals. Once again, he asked what was up. I told him I was just about done with finals, then I would be done for the semester. I didn’t hear back, but Forbidden Fruit and I ran into him at the mall. It was interesting, a little awkward, but it wasn’t as horrible as I had anticipated.

I don’t hear anything from Toby for about a week, then I see him Sunday as he is leaving work in the morning. I wave and he waves back. Monday night (last night) he texted me, asking what was up. I told him nothing, that I was just relaxing, since I had to work in the morning.

There was a little bit of small talk exchanged back and forth, but after a few texts he tells me he has a question for me. I say ok, ask away. He asked me if I was mad at him, or about what happened at his house that night. I told him no, and asked why I would be. He then said he wasn’t sure, but asked if I enjoyed it and what I thought of it.

A lot of emotions came flooding at me, but I simply responded with “I enjoyed it. It was hot. It was a good learning experience.” He then asked if I would be willing to do it again. More emotions came flooding back, and I will explain later, but at the time I responded by asking what made him change his mind, and I thought he didn’t want to do anything like that again unless we got to know each other better.

He tells me that he thought about it and is willing to experiment. I said it sounded fun. He then asks if I was free that night. I said no because I had work in the morning. He asked when a good time was. I said probably next week. He then bluntly tells me “Ok. I was hoping you might want to get together today, but I can wait, but I can tell you I will push you to the limit and maybe push the envelope.”

Hmm, that doesn’t sound good. I said I would want to get together, but I can’t with work. He then asks me how I would respond if he said it would be worth my while. I told him “I can’t, not tonight. I’m sorry.” He said ok, and that was the end of our texting for the night.

During this whole text conversation with Toby, I got a lot of mixed signals. A part of me wants to go for it, it would be fun and spontaneous. Yet, the smarter side of me says no, stay away from him. That part of me remembers how I ended up feeling afterwards. I keep asking myself if a few hours of fun worth a few months trying to get over it?

I want to, but I don’t. I want to because I need some new material, I need to take care of some needs a vibrator and an imagination and porn can’t take care of. But, at the same time, I don’t want to go through those feelings of anger and resentment towards Toby again.

When he asked if I was mad about what happened, mad at him, and I said no, I wasn’t completely telling the truth. I do feel a little mad, but mainly because of how he acted afterwards. I am mad that I was just starting to get over him, and now he is trying to come back into my life. I honestly believe that he will pull the same thing as last time and not talk to me for a month after whatever happens.

Yet, I don’t think I can say no. Why? I have no idea. Maybe it is easier to say yes than no, maybe I am in deniable about. Maybe I just want a second chance, without all the bullshit that went on before the last time. However, I know I am setting myself up.

Give me some love.