As I said in my last post, I have been experiencing some bad karma. This is with reason, as I have been very selfish and greedy. I have also told anyone that would listen that was not my amazing boyfriend, Will. Today however, karma made me realize that I should be happy with any time I get with Will, and not to be greedy for more. I am working on this, especially since my wakeup call today.
You see, I look forward to Sundays. They are my motivation for getting through my work weekend, as that is the day that Will comes over and we cook dinner, play games, watch movies and sleep in each other’s arms. However, I came to work today to see a bummed look on Will’s face. I asked him what was wrong.
Apparently he has to fill in for his coworker Sunday night, the one night we have together. On top of that, we won’t get Monday together because he has a mandatory class for work that morning, making him have to be up for over 24 hours, after working and going to the class right after.
I spent the day dwelling on this, pissed off and angry at our place of employment. I was especially irritated for his sake because he just came back from a shift change, having one day off, them making him work six days, to only have one day off again. It just seems so unfair. Sure, it might be overtime, but damn it, they sometimes treat the employees like they have no lives.
I finally got a chance to talk to Will when he woke up. Hanging out is definitely not going to happen. He is okay with working overtime, because he feels it will pay off eventually when we do find our own place and I get my own car. This made me feel very guilty, because with the way he worded it, it sounds like he is doing this for us. This is when I realized karma was getting me back for being selfish, taking for granted the time we have together.
I finally then gathered up the courage to tell him how I really feel. As I said in my last post, I have been having trouble telling him how I feel without making it sound like a trust/jealousy issue. I told him that I felt us not being able to spend time together was my bad karma. He didn‘t say anything, so I asked if he wanted me to explain. He said yes.
I told him this: “I will be honest. I have been feeling very selfish and greedy about the time we get to spend together, or not together for that matter. I have also been feeling very resentful and blaming the carpooling for time that we could spend together, but instead he’s driving her.”
He took that better than I expected, and said that this has made him realize that we have to make time, not try to find it, because if we try to find time, we won’t. I am not sure what this will mean, whether or not the carpooling will stop. I hope it does, but if it doesn’t, I need to quit bitching about it to other people and get over it. I need to be happy with what time we can get.
I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulder by telling him. It was something I felt I needed to tell him, but with the right words. I believe karma helped me find the right words for finally coming to my senses somewhat and realizing what I need to be happy for, not dwelling on wanting more.
Also, writing has helped a lot again, as I thought it would. I actually kind of missed it. I might have to keep it up. It may not continue with the naughty stuff, but I still need to write a long overdue review, and this is a nice place to vent.
Tonight, feeling sorry for myself, but better than I have been since he started back on graveyard shift, I needed to cry.
However, I could not seem to bring enough tear provoking thoughts. I thought a nice drama would help, a good tear jerker on Netflix. I found a movie in that category, but it didn’t make me cry. It came close, but never enough to get me there. However, as soon as I got done with the first paragraph in this entry, the tears started rolling. Not as much as I was hoping, but enough to keep myself together until I can either get over this slight depression or until I find something that really gives me something to cry about.
As for this post, I am gonna end it here, as I have to get up in less than 5 hours for work, though I can’t sleep.