Lately, my body has been filled with an aching need, with cravings of intimacy, wishing to feel his hand run smoothly up and down my body, eventually seeking out the parts that crave the most attention. My nipples, my clitoris, my dripping wet pussy, aching for his hard cock to fill me.
However, as much as I crave and feel I need this intimacy, I must wait. Will wants to wait, and his decision I totally respect. When he stays over, I bite my tongue to prevent myself from asking, begging for that intimacy I so feel I need.
Though I don’t regret my sex and adventure filled year before Will, I feel like it ruined me. I had gotten so used to being used, to being a turn on to someone, to helping someone get off, getting off from seeing them getting off, that it drives me nuts when Will gets his own “need” poking into my back, then rolling over to the other side, ignoring his need.
I don’t know how he does it. On one hand, I completely respect his control, his restraint, but at the same time, it makes me worry that I am not good enough. I have mentioned this to him, and hes assured me multiple times that I am good enough, he just wants to focus on other things about us besides just sex at this point, and that sex and everything else (foreplay, oral, manual, etc) can wait until marriage.
Yes, I know its not normal how he feels, especially since he is a young man in his prime. Sometimes it drives me crazy knowing he is so different, especially when all I can think about is how much I miss being touched intimately, touching and feeling someone else the same way.
Again, I respect his decision to wait. I respect it so much because I didn’t get to wait. Toby took advantage of my situation and made it so I didn’t get to wait. That last thread of virginity was lost to Toby without my consent. I don’t want to do to Will what Toby (and anyone else) did to me. I do know that if the sex hadn’t happened with Toby, I wouldn’t have had sex with anyone else, meaning Will could be my first. You have no idea how much I wish he could be my first.
Last night Will had an offer for me though. He wanted to cyber. You know me, I was more than eager to at the idea. I asked if he wanted to involve webcams, and he said no. Okay fine, I can handle that (as much as I would have loved to see him jack himself off). So, we got to work, and wrote something so erotic, so arousing, that I was able to cum 3 times. I could have went more, but I ended up (accidentally) killing the moment.
You see, I like detail. I like to know what I am doing for the other person. I like to know what they are doing to themselves (especially if there are no webcams). Caught up in the moment and out of pure habit, forgetting who I was talking to, I asked him how many times our “session” got him off. He said he did not want to discuss that. Right, I forgot that subject was off limits to him, as he feels that is a very personal and private activity. I apologized, and he changed the subject. He soon went to bed.
I went to bed feeling very satisfied, our “scene” repeating itself over and over in my head. Everything we “did” in that scene I was able to picture so clearly, it was like it had actually happened. I look forward to the day when he finally does want to make love to me. I may have went to bed feeling satisfied, with images of us making animalistic love (with a feeling of guilt for ruining the moment), I also woke up a very horny and frustrated female; a female with needs and cravings even stronger than before.
All day our “scene” played over and over in my head, and all day that wetness between my legs tingled and throbbed, seeking attention. As of right now, I can only sit and fantasize, reminding myself that patience is a virtue. I have two sets of batteries charging, with the plan of hopefully wanking my frustration out of me.
All in all, I know that what Will and I have is special, and from what I have seen, what we did try once, it is also beautiful. I can only wait for the day when I can see how much more beautiful and passionate things can get. As I said before, I don’t regret the things I learned in the year before Will, but I do feel disheartened at the fact that those events ruined me, gave me a reputation, and taught me what I am missing for now. However, I do know what I can look forward to, as far away as the day seems.