Healing

I will be honest. I don’t think I am 100% over Will. On the outside I really am, and I feel like I am putting on a show, because on the inside I have completely mixed feelings.

At most times, I feel like he did me a favor. I felt like his reason for leaving was stupid and selfish. I am glad that we never got married, because it would have gotten worse. I am also glad because several times I thought of leaving him myself, since I felt like his computer was more important to him than me.

However, some times, I just feel empty. He is very excited for this year, because he is planning on doing all of the things that we planned on doing (though now by himself). He is going to fly to see the east coast, and maybe meet one of our mutual online friends. He is going to go to Seattle to meet another friend of ours.

Granted, they were his friends first, and he introduced them to me, but still. It makes me feel left out. He also told me at the beginning of the break up that he was going to go to the gym, now that he didn’t have me as a distraction. What the fuck? I never stopped him from going, he was just too involved in his computer games, yet blamed me for not going. He said it was because I wouldn’t go with him to the gym. Well, I’m sorry I was having really bad feet problems, like a collapsing arch.

Sometimes I wonder if he ever regrets his decision to leave me. I also sometimes wonder how I would react if he told me he wanted me back. A part of me does, just out of pure dread at the idea of having to meet someone new and get to that comfortable stage. The stage where nothing bothers the other about the other. The other part of me that does not want him back is the part that I think has the most sense. I say this because if we were to get back together, things would never be the same. I would always feel like I am walking on eggshells, afraid to say something wrong to him, and he would probably always put his computer first. It really is better that we just stay friends. So far its working, kinda.

I am trying really hard to stay his friend, and mostly it is working. We are slowly spending more time together. This week he is going with me to get my nipples pierced, and when I move he is gonna help me with the deposit, and then I will pay him back when I get the deposit back on the apartment that we had together. He is also going to share his storage unit with me if there is not enough room for my stuff at the new place, and I will share the cost of it. When I move, he will also move my bed and dresser for me, since he has a pick-up and i have a car.

As far as break ups go, I feel like ours was very clean, as much as it hurt and how messy it seemed in the beginning. Will is someone that i think (I hope) I can always count on, and the same goes for him.

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