30 Days of Truth – Day 03 – Something You Have to Forgive Yourself For

I didn’t really think I had an answer to this prompt, mainly because I have learned not to have regrets, that everything that happens in  my life is a learning experience. However, after thinking on it for a while, there is one thing that I feel very guilty for, something I did that is against everything I normally would do.

Back in my sophomore year of high school in Kansas, a few weeks after i got dumped after 5 days of being “together,” I met a boy that rode my bus in the grade below me. He was a sweet boy and we became fast friends. We became kind of cuddle buddies, holding hands in the hallways at school, cuddling and holding hands under the stairs in the school, and cuddling on the bus until it was his turn to get off.

He was always super sweet, several occasions I remember. One day I was feeling particularly sorry for myself, and called myself “fat.” He immediately said, “you’re not fat, your fluffy.” That made me feel a little bit better, and we hugged and held hands. Another time, “my ex” and I got our pictures back from the homecoming dance we went to together. Someone in the ex’s class drew and wrote nasty things all over one of his pictures about me. When my friend saw these, he tore them up and said some really sweet and nice things to make me feel better.

This guy was great, but I never saw him as more than a friend. One day, while sitting under the stairs holding hands and cuddling, this exchange happened:

Him: I need some advice.

Me: What’s up? Maybe I can help.

Him: I like this girl, and I think she likes me. Should I tell her?

Me: Oh, definitely.

Him: I just did.

Me: ….

At that moment the bell rang and I felt I could not leave fast enough. I just didn’t know how to tell this guy that I just wasn’t interested that way. I felt bad for encouraging him to “tell me,” even though there was no way to have expected that. Well, looking back it was obvious that the signs of his crush were there.

I feel so ashamed at how I acted. I stopped talking to him, completely avoiding him. Eventually he stopped trying. A few months later I moved back to my hometown in California. If there is one thing in my life that I wish I could redo, it was how things ended with this really sweet guy. Thinking back on it, I feel sick. I need to forgive myself for this, as I was young and dumb.

30 Days of Truth – Day 02 – Something You Love About Yourself

I grew up with very little self confidence. To this day, I am still trying to learn to love myself. It is very hard to think of something that I love about myself. I am getting there though. My first step is learning not to worry what other people think about me; what matters is what I think of me.

If I had to choose one thing I love about myself, it would be my personality. I am a very loyal and open person. I love being there to lend an open ear to my friends. I love to give advice to them if I can.

I appreciate the fact that I can be (mostly) open to my friends and family (though some things I still feel the need to censor certain things from certain people). My family does not know about my blog, though my friends do.

I am extremely loyal. I hate losing contact with anyone, even past boyfriends or dates. I still wonder about people and how they are doing even if I was burned by them in the past. Sure, I might have a dirty name for them at times, but I still wish them well.

I guess I didn’t really pick one thing I love about myself, but I suppose that is better than picking nothing.

TMI Tuesday – Good ‘Ol Summertime

Good Ol’ Summertime

TMI Tuesday questions submitted by Andee.
1. Summer is a time to escape, kick back and chill. What is your favourite way to relax when the warm weather hits?

This last summer I spent the days sleeping, since I worked graveyard shift. Normally though, when not working I loved to go outside and just read out in the sun. Unfortunately this year though, it looks like I will be stuck inside the casino working, since I start swing shift today.

2. Have you ever been to a drive-in movie theatre? My first date was to a drive-in movie, what is your best memory of these classic outdoor theatres?

I have never been to one, but have always wanted to. I guess we used to have one years ago before I was born, but they shut it down to turn it into some RV park. You can still see the movie screen from the freeway.

3. Have you ever had a summer fling? How did it develop and why did it end?

I have not ever had a summer fling, unless you want to count me messing around with Toby during the summer 2009 as his booty call. Those weren’t really happy times and it was far from a fling.

4. Board shorts and bikinis leave something to the imagination, but have you ever tried a nude beach?

I have never been to a nude beach, but I think it would be fun. Though I live near the coast, I don’t think we have any around here.

5. What are your thoughts on the Speedo and the Wicked Weasel?
Speedo, Wicked Weasel bikini and mesh one-piece.

The speedo I really don’t mind too much, in fact they kind of amuse me with how much I tend to try and picture whats behind them. (I like penis!) As far as Wicked Weasels, I have never heard of them. They look like something more suitable for a strip club, I hate to say. (Nothing wrong with that, just keep them away from the family friendly swimming areas). Same goes for mesh one pieces.

6. The warm weather is a great opportunity to “get busy” outdoors? Have you ever? Tell us about it.

I have in fact, done it outdoors. It was the first time I hooked up with D, and it was in the woods behind the college we went to. It was totally hot. I wrote about it here.

7. Sunrise or sunset? Which is your summer favourite?

Working graveyard, I got to see both. I think I have to go with sunset, because it is too damn foggy here in the mornings most of the time.

8. What is the one summer delight that really quenches your thirst? How about your lust?

Being kind of a gamer, I love mountain dew. Oh, you mean something naughty? I loved last summer where I finally woke up Will’s sexual side, and we ended up having sex for the first time. It was the first time that sex actually meant something more than just “hooking up.” Having love involved was amazing.

Bonus:  Summer is the time to participate in outdoor activities. Where would you most like to have sex :
– on the beach?
– at a picnic?
– camping?

As fun as the beach sounds, I would hate to get sand “up there,” and you know it would happen. I think I would have to choose camping, though hopefully we don’t pop the air mattress. 😉

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Cold Hot Cold – Part 1

**I have been debating on whether or not to write this. In the beginning I never did want to write about it, let alone share it because it was so special and personal to me. This post and a later post (may be the next post, or many posts down the road) are the first time Will and I did things sexually. Please note, he was quite new to all things sexual, so some things he says are quite inexperienced.**
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I wore my brand new red negligee under my clothes, with plans of wearing it as my “pajamas.” Will had been staying over every Sunday night for the past few weeks, and the week before we said “I love you” for the first time. Will always slept in his clothes (though he admitted that he slept naked when he was alone) and I slept in a t-shirt and pajama bottoms.

That night before bed, I did my normal getting ready in the bathroom (brushing teeth, peeing) and skipped the changing. I slipped out of my clothes when I went back into my room and shut the door. Will had changed into the shorts I had talked him into bringing over.

I climbed into bed and gave him a cuddling hug, him resting on his back, me on my right side with my left arm holding onto him around the waist. We began kissing slowly, softly. I was expecting him to pull away at any moment like he normally does, but instead his kisses got deeper, more urgent. I felt him move my arm a little lower, down towards his hip. As we kissed, the lower I felt my arm being nudged by him.

So used to things not being sexual between us, I was shocked when he gave my arm one final shove so that my hand was resting on his hard cock. I heard him take in a deep breath and whisper that I was the first to go there.

Shocked, excited, and cautious all at the same time, I began to rub the crotch of his shorts, feeling all of his hard cock and balls. I was not sure how long he would be in the mood, and I wanted to get as much as I could.

“You know, the sequins on your outfit are scratching my chest,” he said suddenly.

“So should I take it off?” I asked.

“Yes, please,” he answered.

I hated to take my hand away from my newly acquired package, but I sat up anyways and  lifted off my top, wearing only the matching thong. As soon as I laid back down next to him he began feeling me all over, though never going below my waist.

“Mmm, thank you. You are so soft. It feels nice. Now, would you like me to take mine off?” he asked me quietly.

“Yes, I would,” I replied eagerly.

He wasted no time in taking off his shorts. I was unsure still if it was okay to touch him. I didn’t want to do anything he wasn’t comfortable with. He answered my unasked questions by putting my hand back on his still hard cock. He still had is underwear on!

A little surprised, even though I still had my thong on, I rubbed him outside of the cloth a bit, then got gutsy and slowly slid my hand inside his briefs and wrapped my hand around him. Oh, he felt nice. It had been months since I felt a nice hard cock. I began feeling it all over, trying to get a picture in my mind of it since we were in the dark.

“Ahh, here, let me get rid of those,” he said and slid his underwear down. I decided to do the same for my thong.

We were now completely naked. I moved my hand back to his cock and felt everywhere. He began to moan softly as I slowly started to jerk him off. When his breathing picked up, I asked if he would like me to suck on it. He said sure.

I lowered the covers and myself so that my mouth was at his cock. I slowly took him in, inch by inch, swirling my tongue around the head. I heard a sharp intake of breath from him and lifted my head up to ask if he was ok. Apparently my tongue made him too sensitive, so I lowered my mouth onto him again, this time careful not to use tongue.

Just as I was starting to get a good rhythm of bobbing my head up and down, I am covered by blankets. He threw the blankets over me, making it hard to breath and move. I tried to wiggle out of them, but he just kept pulling them over me. It started to feel way too hot under there. Eventually I stopped and crawled out from under the blankets to lay next to him. I told him the blankets made it harder to do that. He said he lost the mood and that we should sleep.

He rolled over and did just that, while I lay there irritated and horny. Horny because my sexual side was allowed to finally come out and I felt like that door was slammed in my face. Irritated because he was always so hot and cold about things.

30 Days of Truth – Day 01 – Something You Hate About Yourself

*I got the idea for the 30 Days of Truth reading Absinthe Passion’s Blog. I have decided to try doing the challenge myself, being as how I am not getting any, making my writing material/ideas lack a lot. Some of the things I look forward to writing about because I actually have something to say, others just the opposite. Here goes, Day 01.*

There are a lot of things I hate about myself and it is hard to narrow down to just one thing. Some things I know that I can change, others I can’t change about myself.

I think my biggest issue with myself is my weight. It is also the one thing that I know I can change. I just haven’t had the right motivation to as of late, though I am slowly shedding the pounds. I have lost about 30 since my break up with Will on halloween. I plan to lose more, and once I get my car fixed, I am going to see about getting a gym/pool membership and start swimming. I got a great workout when I was swimming at the hotels on my vacation I just got back from. I am also craving salads, which again, once I get my car fixed I plan on going to the store and getting stuff for salads. I do great on salad diets.

I hate the way I feel being a bigger girl. Physically and mentally. Physically because I have this thing called plantar fasciitis, where the arches in my feet are collapsing. This makes it very painful to be on my feet for long periods of time, or walking after first waking up. I have noticed that my feet have been better since I started losing weight, so I think the more I lose, the better I feel.

I hate trying to date while being bigger. It has completely killed my self confidence. When searching on Match (which I hate that I paid for it), the first thing I check now on someone’s profile is what type body size they want their partner to have. If they like BBW’s, then I read the rest, if not then I waste no time moving on.

TMI Tuesday – Happy Birthday

You say it’s your birthday

(Birthday TMI questions suggested by Heelsnstocking)

1. What star sign are you?

I am a Leo.

2. Do you believe in horoscopes?

I don’t pay too much attention to mine, but once in a while I will glance at it just to see if any of it rings true.

3. When is your birthday?

August 14th, I will be 24 this year.

4. What’s the worst birthday gift a partner has given you?

I have never really had a bad birthday gift. Though, I have had some bad birthdays in general, last year was a big example. Will’s mom kept calling and nagging him, making him go up to her place and help her. One of these days happened to be my birthday, after we had just worked a graveyard shift. I stayed home and waited up for him. He got home about 6 hours later, pissed off and taking it out on me, telling me not to talk to him, that he just wanted quiet. I spent that day in tears, went to work in tears. I was used to being treated like a princess on my birthday, and he had treated me like shit (I felt). Though, he did give me a good “birthday weekend,” before all that, it was just a bad day. I am hoping this year will be better.

5. Are you organised when it comes to other people’s birthdays?

I used to remember all my friends birthdays without the help of phones and Facebook, but now I just don’t really care. Before all those things, only my family remembered my birthday. I still kinda remember the dates, but if no one bothered to tell me happy birthday on my birthday, I won’t bother to remember theirs. I also hate how Facebook “reminds” people. It just seems like if they care, they should know already.

6. How do you normally celebrate your birthday?

I like to try and take off of work, though last year didn’t happen. This year I am taking a whole 9 days off, my birthday in the middle (9-18). It really varies year to year.

7. If you could be one age again what would it be? Why?

I would probably relive age 22. That was a good year for me, and Will and I were happy together. It was the first time I had lived with someone other than my parents.

8. What would be your ideal birthday treat?

Oh, I would love waking up to breakfast in bed and some cuddles and kisses. Then after we eat breakfast, I would love to have some really hot sex. I have always wanted to just spend the day having sex, only pausing for food and bathroom breaks.

Bonus:  Tell us your best birthday memory?

My best birthday memory was my 22nd birthday where Will and I moved in together. He took that weekend off of work to stay with me, we played WoW, made out, and packed. It was so nice having him come home to me after that.

Bonus, Bonus:  May we see you in your birthday suit? (post a photo)

Maybe someday. I am not really home to take any naughty pics (with older cousins in another state on vacation). Its already suspicious enough that I am sitting here typing this. 😉

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Dreams

I really need to quit having hot, sexy dreams about my coworkers. Last week I had one and the other night I had another one. First off, I wake up incredibly horny after them, but second off, I feel a tad bit awkward around them the next few nights we work together because I think of seeing them naked in my dream.

The first dream I had I was in one of the janitor closets at work and one of the security guys came up behind me and whispered in my ear to meet him after work. After work (in the dream) we had some really hot sex. He nibbled and suckled on my neck and ears, we undressed each other, and we went at it all day. When I woke up and went to work, I couldn’t help but smile when I saw him, since I used to have a crush on the guy. I even asked him out once, he said no. So, obviously the dream was nice, but it made me feel a little awkward when I saw him.

I have to say, the dream I had the other night was way hotter. I was walking home and someone I work with pulled up alongside me and asked if I would like to come and join him and his wife. Hell yes! I hopped in the car and we rode to his place. His wife was still asleep so we started fooling around in the living room, him feeling up my tits, admiring my nipple piercings. My moans woke up his wife so she came down and joined us. They both played with my tits, then I ate her out while he fucked me. It was incredibly hot, especially since I have been craving a threesome lately.

When I went to work the next night (in real life), he flashed me a huge grin and asked how I was. I smiled back and said I was good, how was he, etc. I felt a bit awkward, because the whole time I was thinking how fun it would to have a threesome with him and his wife.

Though, I suppose these dreams are better than the dreams I have of Will and I getting back together…

TMI Tuesday: The Most Times

This week’s TMI Tuesday theme is…
We want to know what thing you’ve done the most times.
1. What sex position have you been in the most times?

Probably missionary.

2. What book have you read …?

I think I read the book “Ella Enchanted” the most times when I was younger. It was a cinderella type story and I was fascinated by it.

3. What movie have you watched …?

A Walk to Remember, no questions asked. I love that movie and could still watch it everyday (like I used to in high school).

4. In the last week, who have you texted … ? (no names, list the relationship or type of person)

Just a friend.

5. In the last week, what food have you eaten …?

Chicken and rice/rice noodles. (I have it pretty much every night with a different sauce).

6. Today, which website have you visited …?

Google Reader to catch up on blog reading.

7. When dining out, where have you eaten …?

Family night buffet at a pizza place on Tuesdays with friends from high school.

8. Which sex toy have you used …?

The bullet. It is the quickest and best way to get off. I have used one since I first started masturbating 6 years ago.

Bonus:  Is there something you’d love to go back and relive in your sexual past?
(Thank you to Husband of Two Sexual Minds for this week’s bonus question)

I would love to relive the threesomes with Anna and Nathan or the threesome with D and Brad over and over again!

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Bored

I am getting so damn bored with the whole dating thing. Salien messaged me the other night saying that it was nice meeting me, but we just want different things. He said that I would make someone very happy someday.

Honestly, I wasn’t surprised when he sent me that text. I actually kind of expected it, since I noticed from his texts that he wasn’t that into it anymore. Plus, I have noticed a pattern of first dates, a bit more talking, then never meeting again, eventually not talking. Either I got stood up, or they stopped talking. I was honest with him and told him I expected that. We texted a bit more, until after a while he said he was going to bed  and would text me later. I haven’t heard from him since. I am giving him his space and seeing if he will text me.

The next day in a last attempt, I made another Craigslist post. I got a few emails, talked to a few people, then deleted the ad. I am just getting so sick and tired of talking about myself, hearing basically the same thing about other people. It is so fucking boring having the same conversation over and over again. So I deleted the post. Plus, half the people that sounded decent saw my picture, never to be heard from again, another thing I am used to.

So, I don’t know what to do. I know I need to stop looking for a while. They say love will happen when you aren’t looking for it. I just feel like if I stop looking, it won’t find me. I mean, the last people that I have been with I seeked them out, not the other way around.

The Things I Miss

There are a lot of things I have been missing lately, both in a relationship and out. Some things, when I think about them, I feel a little twinge of disappointment. Other things I might feel a huge stab of loss, and sometimes a little cringe of pain between my legs.

I miss the pet names I recieved recently (or not so recently). I really miss hearing myself being called “Love,” but I also miss being called doll or baby. Being called doll was super sweet to me, and I was reminded of it the other day when I was deleting old texts from him. I was looking for a post to submit to E-Lust this month and was reading about CB calling me baby and really started to miss it. I am a little disappointed to admit that I don’t think we will be talking anymore. I haven’t heard from him in over 3 weeks. Thats for the best though, as we really don’t have much in common, a lot of things he did were turn offs to me, and he lives almost 2 hours away.

I miss intimacy. I especially miss initimacy in a committed relationship. Will was the only guy that I had sex with as my boyfriend. There was something so much more meaningful and intimate about it. I missed sex in general a few months ago when D and I kind of lost touched, in fact it was all I could think about. Now, I really don’t care so much. Yeah, I miss that full feeling I got, but to be honest I am kind of afraid to have sex again.

Now you might be wondering why in the hell I would be afraid to have sex. Its because the last few times I had it, my vaginal opening tore. It started when I had sex with Toby one last time after my break up with Will. I wasn’t wet enough and he hit the wrong angle so I tore. After that I only had sex with D (and his room mate once during the threesome) and everytime I did, I tore because D’s cock is fucking HUGE.

As of last week it has been three months (but who’s counting) since I had sex. Since the last tear I have been to the doctor and was given an estrogen cream to rub on it to help heal me. I have not been able to test to see if it worked or not. I am kind of afraid to now anyways. I want to, don’t get me wrong, but the idea of sex, especially rough (which i used to love) makes my vagina hurt.

I also really miss giving head to a guy with a passion. I believe I have an oral fixation. I always feel the need to have something in my mouth. If I am not eating, I chew gum. I have always loved sucking cock (the only exception would be Toby). Lately I have found myself going over in my mind step by step in my head how I would love a guy’s cock in my mouth. Hell, sometimes I will even start flicking and circling my tongue in my mouth to give myself a better imagination.

I miss cuddles to no end, both giving and recieving. There is something so safe and secure feeling about being wrapped into someone’s arms. I miss that so much. I miss the feeling of spooning, and falling asleep in each others’ arms. I think its the cutest thing in the world.

Most of all, I just miss the feeling of having someone, knowing that they will be there for you no matter what. I miss having someone to share my day with, tell each other if it was good or bad and why. Someone to hug me until I feel better if it was a bad day, or even hug me just because. I love random hugs.

So yeah, theres a lot of things I miss, that hopefully I can have back again soon.