Insecure

I have a lot of insecurities. The blogosphere is the only place that I feel 100% confident about everything. In real life though, I am kind of a mess, though I hide it on the outside. I bottle up all of my insecurities and keep them on the inside.

Dating, or trying to date, has brought out all of those insecurities. My biggest insecurity is my weight. It feels so hard to find someone that can accept/handle a bigger girl, then when I think I have found someone, they turn into a total flake. So far, if I have met the person, we have never gone past the first date. i am hoping to break that streak this Thursday/Friday when I plan to hang out with Salien for a second time.

Growing up, I was always “the fat kid.” In high school my dad would get drunk and tell me that no one will love me while I am fat. I went to bed in tears those nights, crying myself to sleep. Sadly, I believed him, and sometimes when I am at my lowest, I still do. At one point he said I couldn’t have friends while I was fat. That I have never will believe and I truly hope I will never believe.

I always feel insecure when a girl smaller than me is around when I am talking to a guy. I try not to, but I get very self conscious. When I get a boyfriend I tend to hold on as best that I can, because I feel like no one else will accept me the way that I am. I think that is why I held onto Will so long. Sometimes, even though there is nothing there between us when we hang out as friends, I wish for a second that we could go back to the way things were so that I will at least know that I have someone.

I think my jealousy issues come from my insecurity. I am trying my damnedest to get over those feelings. Recently, I think it’s starting to work. I used to feel sick at the idea of someone having been with someone else, feeling insecure, like the person was better than me, etc. Now, I really don’t care so much. It was in the past, and what matters now is the present.

I hate explaining myself. That is another huge insecurity I have. I sometimes try to explain something, or ask something, and I get this look or laugh like I am stupid. I just end up wishing I had never opened my mouth in the first place and back down, mumbling “never mind, I don’t know what I am talking about.” For example, just now. I am having problems with my car, and the maintenance guys suggested the fuel filter. Today I bought a new one, with the tools I need to change it (hopefully). I looked under the hood and found the filter but noticed some hoses to something else that are above the filter. I asked my room mate’s guy about it, and he was almost laughing when he was asking me what I was asking. I immediately backed down. I was trying to get advice on how to get around those hoses. I don’t know cars and I wanted advice. I don’t think he was trying to be cruel or mean, in fact he was really nice about it, but my insecurity just made me feel really stupid. He said he would fix it Friday or Saturday when he was here if I haven’t fixed it by then. I am determined to have it fixed by then because I don’t feel right asking him to help.

That is another thing. I feel guilty when people help me, pay for me, etc. I prefer to be the one taking care of things. I just feel… I don’t know what the word is. I want to say unworthy, but that is definitely not the right word. Hopefully you can understand what I am getting at.

Sorry, for the ramblings. I guess I had a lot on my mind.

One Reply to “Insecure”

  1. No apologies needed. If posting here helps you clear your mind, unclutter all day. ^_^

    We all have our own security issues. I look at my body now and remember how it used to look when I was playing soccer 8 months out of the year and running or swimming or biking the other 4. Once upon a time I wasn’t just athletic, I was An Athlete. Now? Now I can’t get one leg into clothes that fit me then, I can’t run 50 yards without being winded, and I can’t look down and see my dick without sucking in my belly.

    Yeah, I have body issues sometimes, but I also know that I’m smart, likable, and damn good at anything I take the time to learn well. I am not just my looks, and anybody who doesn’t appreciate that can fuck off.

Give me some love.