Broken

A build up of events the last week and a half had left me feeling broken. Lack of sleep had helped put me in kind of a depression. I was unmotivated to do anything besides sleep and play video games. The only things that got me out of the house was work (because I have to paid time off accrued), hanging out with some friends from work, and grocery shopping.

First off the thing with D. He did apologize for being a dick. I told him it was ok, that I was used to people doing that to me. The thing that happened left me feeling so alone and inferior.

On Monday (9-10-12) someone at work tried to poison me. A coworker (not sure which one) sprayed Lysol in my soda in the Janitor office. The sad thing is is that at first I thought it was funny and wasn’t going to say anything to anyone. Hell, I even thought about drinking it, I felt so low. I said something about the Lysol in my drink on Twitter and was encouraged to say something. I finally told security, my manager, and HR. They are looking into it. However, the only thing they can do is do a camera review on who went in the room, but not what happened inside as there are no cameras. Also, things happened right at the shift change so everyone was going in and out of the room.

That same day my dad called me when I was on lunch. He told me he missed me and asked why I haven’t been up to see him. I reminded him that he had told me he didn’t want to see me until my hair grew back., He remembered, and proceeded to tell me that he didn’t want to see me, that I was an embarrassment to him for shaving my hair off. That hurt, a lot.

Another issue that I have been going through is my tonsils. They are huge and need to come out. They are blocking my airways, causing me sleep apnea (hence no sleep). They are also so big that soup is the only thing that I can swallow easily. I can rub them with my tongue they are so big. The funny thing is is that they don’t hurt. There is no infection, so I have no idea why I have kissing tonsils (yes, they touch each other they are that big).

Wednesday night my roommate said that the next morning they were probably going to induce her labor. She said she would text me when she was in the hospital so that I could be there. I never heard a word. Finally at around 6 my cousin called and said she had the baby. I didn’t hear from my roommate until midnight that night, saying she had the baby.

I am a little hurt by this. I understand that if she was in labor texting me would be the last thing on her mind. However, the baby’s dad had my number, and her mom could have gotten my number from someone. I feel like I wasn’t wanted there after all. I am trying like hell not to let it go to my head and make any rash decisions (like find somewhere else to live).

I have been feeling incredibly lonely. I tried to talk to one of my (used to be) best friends and just vent. I could tell she just ignored me by changing the subject every time I said something. She also agreed that I was an embarrassment with my short hair.

I miss so much having someone to talk to, someone to hug me, maybe kiss away my tears. All of the things mentioned above have left me incredibly broken. It has left me unmotivated to dao anything. Today is a new day though, a new work week. I am determined to make it the best. I have a new plan on how to manage blogging and video games between work. From now on when I wake up I plan on writing at least one post to publish. When I get off work I will play video games.

2 Replies to “Broken”

  1. My heart broke as I read this post. Someone trying to poison you is I don’t even know what to say but that a**hole should be found and dealt with seriously because its not funny at all!

    My heart really does go out to you. So many things seem to be going wrong and worst of all, you don’t seem to have anyone to provide you with support. I know what its like because I once went through a very difficult period and had absolutely no one to talk to. I know we don’t know each other well but you can always offload on me via email or chat if you would like. I will gladly listen.

    Wishing you loads of smiles and hugs. May the new day and new week bring better tidings your way.

  2. Thank you so much for that comment. That means a lot to me. The worst thing is not having someone to talk to (can’t talk to friends apparently, can’t talk to my mom because it will just start a fight about my dad, etc.) I will definitely keep you in mind next time I need an ear, thanks. 🙂

Give me some love.