Frozen

Being single definitely has it’s drawbacks. I get no cuddles. Even after sex, the guys I have been with don’t cuddle (hence another reason why I am putting a stop to NSA encounters).

It had been a year and a half since I had last really truly cuddled with someone. It was with Salien the day/night after I had my tonsils out. We have kept in touch off and on, but don’t really have time to hang out much.

The other day though I offered to have him come over on his day off after I got off work. The plan was to take a shower then sleep til evening, then who knew what. No sex, just cuddles. I was really looking forward to it.

Morning came and my shift ended. I rushed home to change out of my work clothes. Salien arrived not long after and we chatted and hugged a bit before getting in the shower. That’s where I started feeling awkward.

I just didn’t feel right about it. I didn’t feel uncomfortable with Salien, it was more the fact that it had been so long since I had taken a shower with anyone that I just felt like I was crowded, and my space was being shattered. After the shower we got in our pajamas and got in bed.

In bed we cuddled and chatted, facing each other. It felt nice, but I just felt off. Eventually he started to drift off so I rolled over to get in my normal fall asleep position. He scooted closer and spooned me. It felt nice, but wrong at the same time. I couldn’t move and get comfortable, mostly in fear of disturbing him (though deep down I wanted to so that he would stop the snoring long enough for me to fall asleep).

Finally I dozed off, but kept waking up, mostly because I had to piss like a racehorse. I would get up, do my thing, and then get back in bed to have him cuddle me more. Too soon (or not soon enough) my alarm went off (that I forgot to shut off from the day before). I turned it off and sat up, putting my glasses on. Salien woke up soon after, giving me a big hug. I hugged back, still feeling slightly uncomfortable.

We asked how the other slept. He slept great. I slept crappily. We debated on what we wanted to do. At this point I was kind of over having company. I was hungry and wanted to get food, but felt bad about wanting him to go home. As happy as I was to have cuddles, I had some things to think about.

Luckily my mom texted me to say that she was on her way over to pick me up for dinner. I told him that I didn’t want to have to explain anything to her, so we got dressed quickly, hugged goodbye, and he headed out. I felt guilty, and I felt rude, but he understood.

I had a nice dinner with my mom, and took a much needed nap before work when I got home. One thing I have realized is that my dry spell has turned me into a recluse, almost afraid of human touch. This makes me wonder what is in store for the future when I meet someone. Will it come naturally again, or is closeness something I will have to get used to?

Give me some love.