In the past few years of dating (most times of meeting a person once or twice then only keeping things online or never speaking again), I have picked up some really bad habits. I have lost nearly all self confidence, but I think I have become unrealistically picky when it comes to finding a partner.
As far as the self confidence goes, it comes and goes. It really comes when I am drinking, but it goes as soon as I meet someone new. I have been hurt a lot, emotionally. A lot of it comes with being overweight, and the fact that most guys run the other way when they see the extent of it. The ones hat don’t run? They are usually only looking for sex. Did I mention that my sex drive has been pretty much dead?
I have gotten so used to guys running the other way, that I get suspicious if they don’t. I assume they just want sex, but when they don’t I keep it casual and tend to put up a huge wall. (A lot of this comes from J, who would disappear for months on end). If they still stick around, I start to lose interest myself, giving noncommittal answers when they want to hang out.
The bad habits start when I stop talking to them, or make excuses on not to hang out. Most of the time I stop talking to them if they start getting creepy, or bring up sex. If I tell them about my dead sex drive and they keep begging, or bringing it up, they are gone.
I have become extremely picky. This is a good and bad thing. It’s good because I finally know what I want, bad because it feels really unrealistic for where I live (small town) and what I am (not a skinny mini).
The last guy I met on a coffee date and one date after really showed me what I need in a man, which was everything this guy was not. I need someone with a full time job, who will understand when I have to work, not just sit around waiting for me to get off work and take care of them. This guy had just quit his part time job in order to “relax and get more sleep.” I am tired of meeting people who live off and abuse the system. I have been amazed at some of the reasons these guys give me for living off of my hard earned tax dollars.
I need a guy who can drive, bonus points if he has a car. The last few people I have met don’t have their license, let alone a car. The guy I mentioned above I am thoroughly unimpressed with, as he expects me to drive him around to do his errands for our date. I haven’t seen him since, and no, I didn’t take him to do his errands. Hell, I want someone to drive me around on our dates.
Most importantly, I need someone who is legitimately interested in me, not just settling for what comes along. My last ex is the reason for this requirement. I never felt good enough for him, yet he grew grossly attached to me because I was the only thing to show him interest in a very long time. Tonight, the reason for this post is because someone who I only saw as a friend started to seem romantic. I know I’m his first date in way too long, but I don’t know that he is truly in it for me. I immediately put the brakes on and told him I’m not ready for anything romantic. He was sad, but understood.
I didn’t lie, I really am not ready for anything romantic. I have way too many issues that need addressing.