A Test of Sorts

The boyfriend is gone for nearly a month, and after this weekend he will be pretty much off the grid for almost 2 weeks. He is on his summer vacation, visiting family and friends down south. I miss him terribly, and it gets harder every day.

We still manage to at least say good morning, but after that he usually gets busy and either doesn’t talk again til late evening or the next morning. Some nights we were able to Skype and play video games, which is nice, but just not the same.

I have been kind of looking at his absence as a test for if/when he moves and whether or not we continue things as a long distance couple. At this point, I feel like I care more for him than he does for me, but that is probably my low self esteem talking. He has a hard time opening up, which also makes me wonder how he really feels about me.

Without knowing how he feels, or what he sees with me in the future, I don’t think I could do long distance. I really hate to say that, and I hate the idea of having to move on (again) and learn to know someone all over again (though sometimes that can be half the fun). I just don’t want anyone else.

Even with the lack of sex in our relationship that I am fairly unhappy about, I love everything else. I love him and really want to see where this goes. I have been trying to stay positive, but it gets harder each day that it gets closer to our possible doom.

Its two weeks into his month long absence and its killing me. I hate it. I miss his kiss, and our cuddles.

Meeting the Family

The week before last his graduation finally came up in conversation. I told him I fully intended to go, but I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to go. He said he would like me there. I asked if I would be able to meet his family coming up and all he said was maybe.

Two days before the graduation he made it sound like he didn’t care if I was there, and I probably wouldn’t meet the family. Then he said I could maybe meet his mom, just not the others. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt. For the most part I understood, but my low self confidence made it feel like it was me he didn’t want to introduce to them.

The day before on my way home from work I realized how heartbroken I really was in not being able to be involved in his graduation plans. I got the impression that even if I went to the ceremony I wouldn’t be able to see him at all. I was completely crushed at the idea of not being included on his big day. I admit that I started to get a little jealous of his family. I started to not feel that important to him, and eventually considered to not go at all. I knew if I didn’t go I would feel guilty . I also started crying at the idea of going and not being able to say hi. I felt like he was ashamed of me.

After a nearly sleepless night and sitting through my best friend’s graduation (there were several ceremonies that day) I texted him and asked if he wanted me there. He simply told me I could go. With lots of reservations, I made arrangements to get there. I picked a spot to enable myself to easily describe my location in a huge crown and texted him where I was. I started to cry, still under the assumption that I would not see him. I knew he was somewhere there, along with his family, and here I was alone trying to be supportive.

I had just wiped the last tears from my eyes, considering letting them start up again, when I realized someone was standing in front of me. With thoughts of annoyance at who was cutting in on what little privacy I had while I spilled my overreacting tears, I looked up to see him standing with a lady.

All thoughts of sadness escaped me as we hugged, kissed, and he introduced me to his mom. We shook hands and she asked me the obligatory questions any good mother would ask the chick her son is dating. Sadly it was a short visit since he had to go get ready with his graduating class. As she walked away, she told me how happy I made him.

From then on I felt much better about being there, and five minutes later I got a text thanking me for being there. After what seemed like ages, they finally called his name. About 20 minutes later I get the text I had been waiting forever for, asking if I wanted to join him and his family for dinner. He told me to meet him at his place and we would go from there.

I quickly got home and changed, making sure to put something on a little bit nicer. It was the moment I had been waiting for, and suddenly I was nervous. What if they didn’t like me?

It turned out that I had nothing to worry about. I met his mom, dad, stepmom, grandma, and several family friends. I fit in well. OUr dinner reservations were fairly late in the evening, so we ended up closing the restaurant. Eventually they started to plan breakfast and who was coming. His family was very insistent that I join.

I enjoyed getting to know them, and hope to see them again soon. I was glad that they seemed to like me.

Only Time Will Tell

As I said in several previous posts, the future of my current relationship is a complete waiting game. These least few weeks have been rough as school has kept him too busy for my liking. When we first met, one of the first things I asked him was if he planned to stay or leave after he graduated. He made it seem like he wanted to stay.

However, fairly early on in our relationship he made several comments about moving away. As we got closer to the end of school it has been something hanging over my head. We have started to talk about it several times, but both of us got too sad to really continue the conversation. I started to just assume he would leave right after.

The other night I started to get a different impression. He said he was going to do everything he could to stay, and would do so as long as possible. When discussing the dates he would be gone he mentioned cutting that time in half to stay in town with me.

I really hope he does stick around. I have been trying to stay positive whenever I started to dwell on the what ifs. Things are still in a huge waiting game, but at the moment they are starting to look more in my favor. Only time will Tell.

It’s Complicated

I never really understood the point in saying a relationship was complicated. I used to figure it either was a thing or it wasn’t; the feeling are or they aren’t. At least until I didn’t understand up until now.

Now I know it really can be complicated. It is not as easy as black and white. I am feeling like my relationship is drifting into complicated territory and I finally understand. I go from being really happy when I am with him, especially when we kiss, cuddle, and hold hands. However, when we are apart, I can’t help but feel slightly unhappy.

The unhappiness comes mostly from my lack of self confidence, but it also has to do with the lack of sexuality in our relationship. I have a very high sex drive and I am finding out that he does not. I used to think that his workload and stress was a huge factor, but now I can’t help but feel like it has to do with me. It wouldn’t be the first time.

I also can’t help but feel the inevitable approach. He will be graduating and potentially moving out of the area unless he miraculously gets a job in the area, Even then he might not stick around.

I fell in love with him, but I couldn’t get him to fall for me. Soon we are either going to have to step up our relationship prematurely or end it before it truly gets a chance to bloom. We have been talking for 7 months, and officially a couple for about 4. It feels too soon to have the talk about moving in with each other, but if he can’t get a job and does want to stay, one of us will have to move in. I have thought about it long and hard and am willing to support him financially if it comes down to it. I would love it if he stayed.

I don’t feel ready to move with him, if that is what he wants. I would be willing to go long distance, but if it ends before we get anywhere I feel like I might start resenting him. I would feel like I wasted a bunch of time twiddling my thumbs waiting for something to happen when it never does.

I have been trying really hard to think positively, but it is getting harder as what feels like the end comes near. Each day that passes my feelings get a little bit more complicated,

Its the Little Things

School is wrapping up for him, so we haven’t been able to hang out as much. We manage to text every day, some more than others. We went a week and a half before we could see each other. 

The plan was for him to come over and us to play video games after I cooked us dinner. However, a combination of my idiot roommate and his need to finish more homework put a wrench in those plans. 

I called him on my way home after work and we decided that I should go to his place. I offered to pick something up for food, but he said he could cook dinner instead. I stopped off at home to change before heading over. 

When I finally got to his place I was greeted with a big hug and kiss. Dinner was just finishing cooking so he served it up for us. We watched Mama Mia! as we ate. It was my first time seeing it and I enjoyed it. 

After we finished eating we cuddled and held hands for the rest of the movie. Sadly he had more homework to work on so I had to leave after the movie. We hugged and kissed at the door saying goodbye. 

I hated leaving and wanted more time, but I was glad to have gotten tge time that I did. Dinner was delicious, the movie was good, and the company was the best. Its the little things that count and make it special. 

Sexual Changes

**I have been trying to keep up the habit of writing and posting every day. I ran out of things to review and my sex life has been a bit lacking, so I googled “sex blog writing prompts.” I came across a set of 10 questions and prompts that pertain to sex.**

9. What changes if any would you like to make about your sexual self? What sexual changes would you like to see your partner make?

If I was going to be blunt about my answer, I would say that I wish I was getting sex more frequently. However, that seems harsh. While yes, I do feel that sex is lacking in my current relationship, but I also know that he has a lot going on. I like this guy more than anyone else I ever dated, and he treats me better than anyone I have ever called my boyfriend.

For the most part I like that our relationship isn’t solely based around sex, and that he truely likes me for me. However, I do wish we had more sex. I have been craving that intimacy lately. That is one reason why my masturbation habits have went from once a week or every other week to once a day or every other day.

So, to answer the question, I want to change how I see myself. I want to grow confidence. I want to feel bold enough to make the first move instead of being so afraid of rejection that I don’t try at all. A lot of times I found out after the fact that he was in the mood or could have easily gotten in the mood had I just taken that extra step.

One thing I wish he would change is the fact that if he wants sex or any kind of intimacy, he needs to tell me. He has confessed to feeling like it would be using me or “rude” to give me a booty call. I told him it would be a compliment at this point, because I tend to spend all week convincing myself that hes not physically attracted to me.

I need to learn to communicate my true feelings to him. I am just so afraid of scaring him away from me, or pushing him away by trying to pull closer.

The Best Sex Partner

**I have been trying to keep up the habit of writing and posting every day. I ran out of things to review and my sex life has been a bit lacking, so I googled “sex blog writing prompts.” I came across a set of 10 questions and prompts that pertain to sex.**

8. Write about the best sex partner you have ever been with. Describe a special time together.

I have thought about this one for quite some time. I really wish I could pick more than one because *most* of my partners have been special or my favorite in some different way or another. After much back and forth in my head, I think I am going to have to go with D as my best sex partner.

First of all, I have had sex with D more than any of my other partners put together. I also got to explore the most with D when we were friends with benefits. I always wanted more with D, relationship wise, but I am still happy with what I got. The fact that D read my blog at the time we were seeing each other helped a lot, as he learned what I wanted and always aimed to please.

When it came to sex, I was able to explore the most with D. He had my first (and only) MMF threesome with me, he was the first to ever let me aim his dick while he peed, he was the first one I ever let inside of me without a condom, the only one I have ever had outdoor sex with, and the only partner I felt the most comfortable with telling anything to. We have had sex in other fun places (like his ex’s bed), unlike everyone else that has just been in a bedroom. I do wish we had gotten a chance to do it at his work like we had always fantasized about.

Every time I got with D it was special, but the most memorable and special time was the time that he gave me birthday sex. He made it feel like a scene from one of my favorite movies. I have a feeling that if we had kept seeing each other,I would have had a lot more firsts with him. We still talk to this day and I appreciate his friendship greatly. I have a feeling that if situations allowed, we would definitely have sex again. Right now its not in the cards, but maybe someday. If not, I still have a really good friend. Thank you D, for everything. 😀

My Views on Sex Over Time

**I have been trying to keep up the habit of writing and posting every day. I ran out of things to review and my sex life has been a bit lacking, so I googled “sex blog writing prompts.” I came across a set of 10 questions and prompts that pertain to sex.**

4. How has your views of sex changed over time?

I used to be afraid of sex. I was uneducated about it, and all I knew was that sex lead to pregnancy and STD’s. I knew that it was for making babies, though I did not know it was for pleasure as well. I went from being afraid and grossed out by sex, to wanting it to be special. Something that I had on my wedding night.

I was technically raped the first time I had sex. I did not say yes. I told him as he entered me that that was not what we agreed on. All I got was “my bad” as he continued for 30 seconds before he came. I quit caring about sex being special after that. I am so glad that it didn’t scare me away from sex even more. Instead, it made me fear sex less, and explore my sexuality even more.

After what seemed like forever of having only “friends with benefits,” I finally experienced sex with a boyfriend. I fell in love with the idea of “special” sex all over again. I realized how much friends with benefits was just not for me. I loved the intimacy of being with a boyfriend, rather than just a friend.

After the boyfriend and I broke up, I turned back to friend with benefits. I felt like I would rather have no strings attached sex instead of no sex at all. My list nearly tripled since that first serious relationship that I had sex in. After looking at my list, I see that I have a 3:1 ratio; the 3 being casual sex, 1 being non-casual.

I went from being terrified of sex, mostly due to lack of education, to being in love with sex. I love the intimacy, the closeness, and the thrill. I have come a long way since the day I lost my “virginity.”

Sex and Growing Up

**I have been trying to keep up the habit of writing and posting every day. I ran out of things to review and my sex life has been a bit lacking, so I googled “sex blog writing prompts.” I came across a set of 10 questions and prompts that pertain to sex.**

3. What were you taught about sex as you grew up? What did you not know that you needed to know?

I grew up extremely sheltered. I was made to believe that words like sex and condoms were bad words. I wasn’t explained what they were, just that they were inappropriate to talk about. I got the gist of my sex education from middle school health class. Luckily we got safe sex education, rather than abstinence only education.

I remember not getting the “sex talk” from my mother until I was almost in high school. We were driving home and a commercial for Viagra came on the radio. She acted offended, and surprisingly explained everything there in the car when I asked her what it meant. It wasn’t a very detailed talk, just that the male penis got hard, was inserted into the vagina, sperm came out, and fertilized an egg.

One time in high school I asked my mother what an orgasm was. Her response was a little horrifying. She said it was when a man shot his sperm. I find that answer very sad and uneducated. A few months ago I asked her why she gave that as her answer, and she admitted to only having one or two in her life.

I didn’t know what a clitoris was or where until I was almost 18. It was when my sister came home drunk and drew me a diagram when I asked. What prompted it was when she asked how I liked the toy her and my mom’s friend got me for prom. I had admitted that it was kind of ok, I just didn’t know what to do with it. She explained where I needed to focus my vibrations, but I was clueless. So, she drew me a map on a napkin. The next night I took her advice and had my first orgasm.

I wish my parents had been more open and honest about sex. I appreciate that I got safe sex education, but I wish they had been a little bit less shaming about it. I wish they didn’t make it seem scary, or that it was a bad thing. They could have taught me, rather than make me terrified of it. I wish I knew more so that at school I wasn’t the only kid on the playground that didn’t know where babies. came from.

My Last Sexual Experience

**I have been trying to keep up the habit of writing and posting every day. I ran out of things to review and my sex life has been a bit lacking, so I googled “sex blog writing prompts.” I came across a set of 10 questions and prompts that pertain to sex.**

2. Write about your last sexual experience. How was it different from your first sexual experience?

My last sexual experience was over two months ago. Andy came over and I cooked us dinner while we watched B-rated horror movies on Netflix. I wrote about it in stronger detail in the above link. We have been going through a bit of a dry spell at the moment. He has been busy with school, so he hasn’t been too focused on sex.

Anyways, to answer the question, there are a lot of differences between my first and last experiences. Back then I had no idea what I was doing. Now, I know exactly what I am doing and love to prolong my technique. I definitely have more experience and knowledge about sex and masturbation. I don’t feel as guilty after sexy encounters.

Both first and last encounters are different because of the partner. The partner I am currently with took things a lot slower than the first. The first shared many firsts with me, where my last and I don’t have very many firsts together, if any. In a way my first encounter was more special, but my last was way hotter. Both memories are fuzzy though, one was just because it was over 10 years ago, the other because I had consumed a lot of alcohol beforehand.