It’s Complicated

I never really understood the point in saying a relationship was complicated. I used to figure it either was a thing or it wasn’t; the feeling are or they aren’t. At least until I didn’t understand up until now.

Now I know it really can be complicated. It is not as easy as black and white. I am feeling like my relationship is drifting into complicated territory and I finally understand. I go from being really happy when I am with him, especially when we kiss, cuddle, and hold hands. However, when we are apart, I can’t help but feel slightly unhappy.

The unhappiness comes mostly from my lack of self confidence, but it also has to do with the lack of sexuality in our relationship. I have a very high sex drive and I am finding out that he does not. I used to think that his workload and stress was a huge factor, but now I can’t help but feel like it has to do with me. It wouldn’t be the first time.

I also can’t help but feel the inevitable approach. He will be graduating and potentially moving out of the area unless he miraculously gets a job in the area, Even then he might not stick around.

I fell in love with him, but I couldn’t get him to fall for me. Soon we are either going to have to step up our relationship prematurely or end it before it truly gets a chance to bloom. We have been talking for 7 months, and officially a couple for about 4. It feels too soon to have the talk about moving in with each other, but if he can’t get a job and does want to stay, one of us will have to move in. I have thought about it long and hard and am willing to support him financially if it comes down to it. I would love it if he stayed.

I don’t feel ready to move with him, if that is what he wants. I would be willing to go long distance, but if it ends before we get anywhere I feel like I might start resenting him. I would feel like I wasted a bunch of time twiddling my thumbs waiting for something to happen when it never does.

I have been trying really hard to think positively, but it is getting harder as what feels like the end comes near. Each day that passes my feelings get a little bit more complicated,

Its the Little Things

School is wrapping up for him, so we haven’t been able to hang out as much. We manage to text every day, some more than others. We went a week and a half before we could see each other. 

The plan was for him to come over and us to play video games after I cooked us dinner. However, a combination of my idiot roommate and his need to finish more homework put a wrench in those plans. 

I called him on my way home after work and we decided that I should go to his place. I offered to pick something up for food, but he said he could cook dinner instead. I stopped off at home to change before heading over. 

When I finally got to his place I was greeted with a big hug and kiss. Dinner was just finishing cooking so he served it up for us. We watched Mama Mia! as we ate. It was my first time seeing it and I enjoyed it. 

After we finished eating we cuddled and held hands for the rest of the movie. Sadly he had more homework to work on so I had to leave after the movie. We hugged and kissed at the door saying goodbye. 

I hated leaving and wanted more time, but I was glad to have gotten tge time that I did. Dinner was delicious, the movie was good, and the company was the best. Its the little things that count and make it special. 

Sexual Changes

**I have been trying to keep up the habit of writing and posting every day. I ran out of things to review and my sex life has been a bit lacking, so I googled “sex blog writing prompts.” I came across a set of 10 questions and prompts that pertain to sex.**

9. What changes if any would you like to make about your sexual self? What sexual changes would you like to see your partner make?

If I was going to be blunt about my answer, I would say that I wish I was getting sex more frequently. However, that seems harsh. While yes, I do feel that sex is lacking in my current relationship, but I also know that he has a lot going on. I like this guy more than anyone else I ever dated, and he treats me better than anyone I have ever called my boyfriend.

For the most part I like that our relationship isn’t solely based around sex, and that he truely likes me for me. However, I do wish we had more sex. I have been craving that intimacy lately. That is one reason why my masturbation habits have went from once a week or every other week to once a day or every other day.

So, to answer the question, I want to change how I see myself. I want to grow confidence. I want to feel bold enough to make the first move instead of being so afraid of rejection that I don’t try at all. A lot of times I found out after the fact that he was in the mood or could have easily gotten in the mood had I just taken that extra step.

One thing I wish he would change is the fact that if he wants sex or any kind of intimacy, he needs to tell me. He has confessed to feeling like it would be using me or “rude” to give me a booty call. I told him it would be a compliment at this point, because I tend to spend all week convincing myself that hes not physically attracted to me.

I need to learn to communicate my true feelings to him. I am just so afraid of scaring him away from me, or pushing him away by trying to pull closer.

My Views on Sex Over Time

**I have been trying to keep up the habit of writing and posting every day. I ran out of things to review and my sex life has been a bit lacking, so I googled “sex blog writing prompts.” I came across a set of 10 questions and prompts that pertain to sex.**

4. How has your views of sex changed over time?

I used to be afraid of sex. I was uneducated about it, and all I knew was that sex lead to pregnancy and STD’s. I knew that it was for making babies, though I did not know it was for pleasure as well. I went from being afraid and grossed out by sex, to wanting it to be special. Something that I had on my wedding night.

I was technically raped the first time I had sex. I did not say yes. I told him as he entered me that that was not what we agreed on. All I got was “my bad” as he continued for 30 seconds before he came. I quit caring about sex being special after that. I am so glad that it didn’t scare me away from sex even more. Instead, it made me fear sex less, and explore my sexuality even more.

After what seemed like forever of having only “friends with benefits,” I finally experienced sex with a boyfriend. I fell in love with the idea of “special” sex all over again. I realized how much friends with benefits was just not for me. I loved the intimacy of being with a boyfriend, rather than just a friend.

After the boyfriend and I broke up, I turned back to friend with benefits. I felt like I would rather have no strings attached sex instead of no sex at all. My list nearly tripled since that first serious relationship that I had sex in. After looking at my list, I see that I have a 3:1 ratio; the 3 being casual sex, 1 being non-casual.

I went from being terrified of sex, mostly due to lack of education, to being in love with sex. I love the intimacy, the closeness, and the thrill. I have come a long way since the day I lost my “virginity.”

Sex and Growing Up

**I have been trying to keep up the habit of writing and posting every day. I ran out of things to review and my sex life has been a bit lacking, so I googled “sex blog writing prompts.” I came across a set of 10 questions and prompts that pertain to sex.**

3. What were you taught about sex as you grew up? What did you not know that you needed to know?

I grew up extremely sheltered. I was made to believe that words like sex and condoms were bad words. I wasn’t explained what they were, just that they were inappropriate to talk about. I got the gist of my sex education from middle school health class. Luckily we got safe sex education, rather than abstinence only education.

I remember not getting the “sex talk” from my mother until I was almost in high school. We were driving home and a commercial for Viagra came on the radio. She acted offended, and surprisingly explained everything there in the car when I asked her what it meant. It wasn’t a very detailed talk, just that the male penis got hard, was inserted into the vagina, sperm came out, and fertilized an egg.

One time in high school I asked my mother what an orgasm was. Her response was a little horrifying. She said it was when a man shot his sperm. I find that answer very sad and uneducated. A few months ago I asked her why she gave that as her answer, and she admitted to only having one or two in her life.

I didn’t know what a clitoris was or where until I was almost 18. It was when my sister came home drunk and drew me a diagram when I asked. What prompted it was when she asked how I liked the toy her and my mom’s friend got me for prom. I had admitted that it was kind of ok, I just didn’t know what to do with it. She explained where I needed to focus my vibrations, but I was clueless. So, she drew me a map on a napkin. The next night I took her advice and had my first orgasm.

I wish my parents had been more open and honest about sex. I appreciate that I got safe sex education, but I wish they had been a little bit less shaming about it. I wish they didn’t make it seem scary, or that it was a bad thing. They could have taught me, rather than make me terrified of it. I wish I knew more so that at school I wasn’t the only kid on the playground that didn’t know where babies. came from.

My Last Sexual Experience

**I have been trying to keep up the habit of writing and posting every day. I ran out of things to review and my sex life has been a bit lacking, so I googled “sex blog writing prompts.” I came across a set of 10 questions and prompts that pertain to sex.**

2. Write about your last sexual experience. How was it different from your first sexual experience?

My last sexual experience was over two months ago. Andy came over and I cooked us dinner while we watched B-rated horror movies on Netflix. I wrote about it in stronger detail in the above link. We have been going through a bit of a dry spell at the moment. He has been busy with school, so he hasn’t been too focused on sex.

Anyways, to answer the question, there are a lot of differences between my first and last experiences. Back then I had no idea what I was doing. Now, I know exactly what I am doing and love to prolong my technique. I definitely have more experience and knowledge about sex and masturbation. I don’t feel as guilty after sexy encounters.

Both first and last encounters are different because of the partner. The partner I am currently with took things a lot slower than the first. The first shared many firsts with me, where my last and I don’t have very many firsts together, if any. In a way my first encounter was more special, but my last was way hotter. Both memories are fuzzy though, one was just because it was over 10 years ago, the other because I had consumed a lot of alcohol beforehand.

My First Sexual Experience

**I have been trying to keep up the habit of writing and posting every day. I ran out of things to review and my sex life has been a bit lacking, so I googled “sex blog writing prompts.” I came across a set of 10 questions and prompts that pertain to sex.**

1. Write about your first sexual experiences. Interpret sexual experience any way like, even it’s about you first kiss.

I only really briefly mentioned my first true sexual experience. I have written about my first high school make out sessions where the guy hinted about the boner he popped, but due to my lack of sexual knowledge, I got very uncomfortable. I will do my best in relaying the full details, but they are pretty fuzzy.

The first time that I remember getting sexual with a partner was my first year in college. I met a guy in my human sexuality class that I really hit it off with. We began hanging out and chatting every night on Yahoo Messenger, and even playing an online game together.

We took turns riding the bus to each other’s homes. One day we walked from the bus stop to my place in the pouring rain. We were drenched by the time we got inside. To dry off a little quicker, we removed some clothing to hang up in my room to dry.

I believe we got down to our underwear. I know for a fact that we started cuddling and making out. His boner became very obvious. I asked if I could see it, since we were in the human anatomy section of our class. He pulled down his tighty whities and let his cock free. I looked at it and gently started to touch it. I started naming the parts in my head (the corona, the frenulum, the shaft, etc).

He asked me if I wanted to kiss it. I said yes as I leaned my head down and kissed the very tip. He asked me to kiss a little more, and I slowly began to kiss up and down his shaft and head. I got curious, and a kiss on the head turned into me taking the tip into my mouth. I experimented with a little suck before slowly taking in more of his cock.

I knew I was doing a good job when I heard the moans and gasps of pleasure escape his mouth. I started to think about everything I had ever read about performing fellatio and began doing everything I had ever imagined. He was fully consumed by the pleasure I was giving him. I made myself quicken up, since I knew I had to go soon. I had a ride picking me up to help with a small job.

Luckily he didn’t take long to come, and I swallowed because I didn’t know what else to do. We finished dressed right as my ride texted that they were outside.

Afterwards, I felt many things. I was very turned on, that was obvious, but I was also feeling guilty. I grew up sheltered, and thinking sex and nudity were wrong. I kept feeling like something bad was going to happen to him after he left. It was still very stormy when we had to leave. My guilt and anxiety went down a lot once he texted that he was home.

Punny

The other night while playing video games with the boyfriend I was having some difficulty fighting a “bad guy.” He commented that my attacks would work better if I hit from behind. I made a comment about the “bad guy” taking it up the ass.

From there the conversation turned to anal and I mentioned that my experience with it was….terrible. I then started laughing like a maniac because the word I almost used was “shitty.” I then told him what I was about to say.

We both had a good laugh at my terrible pun.