A Test of Sorts

The boyfriend is gone for nearly a month, and after this weekend he will be pretty much off the grid for almost 2 weeks. He is on his summer vacation, visiting family and friends down south. I miss him terribly, and it gets harder every day.

We still manage to at least say good morning, but after that he usually gets busy and either doesn’t talk again til late evening or the next morning. Some nights we were able to Skype and play video games, which is nice, but just not the same.

I have been kind of looking at his absence as a test for if/when he moves and whether or not we continue things as a long distance couple. At this point, I feel like I care more for him than he does for me, but that is probably my low self esteem talking. He has a hard time opening up, which also makes me wonder how he really feels about me.

Without knowing how he feels, or what he sees with me in the future, I don’t think I could do long distance. I really hate to say that, and I hate the idea of having to move on (again) and learn to know someone all over again (though sometimes that can be half the fun). I just don’t want anyone else.

Even with the lack of sex in our relationship that I am fairly unhappy about, I love everything else. I love him and really want to see where this goes. I have been trying to stay positive, but it gets harder each day that it gets closer to our possible doom.

Its two weeks into his month long absence and its killing me. I hate it. I miss his kiss, and our cuddles.

Meeting the Family

The week before last his graduation finally came up in conversation. I told him I fully intended to go, but I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to go. He said he would like me there. I asked if I would be able to meet his family coming up and all he said was maybe.

Two days before the graduation he made it sound like he didn’t care if I was there, and I probably wouldn’t meet the family. Then he said I could maybe meet his mom, just not the others. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt. For the most part I understood, but my low self confidence made it feel like it was me he didn’t want to introduce to them.

The day before on my way home from work I realized how heartbroken I really was in not being able to be involved in his graduation plans. I got the impression that even if I went to the ceremony I wouldn’t be able to see him at all. I was completely crushed at the idea of not being included on his big day. I admit that I started to get a little jealous of his family. I started to not feel that important to him, and eventually considered to not go at all. I knew if I didn’t go I would feel guilty . I also started crying at the idea of going and not being able to say hi. I felt like he was ashamed of me.

After a nearly sleepless night and sitting through my best friend’s graduation (there were several ceremonies that day) I texted him and asked if he wanted me there. He simply told me I could go. With lots of reservations, I made arrangements to get there. I picked a spot to enable myself to easily describe my location in a huge crown and texted him where I was. I started to cry, still under the assumption that I would not see him. I knew he was somewhere there, along with his family, and here I was alone trying to be supportive.

I had just wiped the last tears from my eyes, considering letting them start up again, when I realized someone was standing in front of me. With thoughts of annoyance at who was cutting in on what little privacy I had while I spilled my overreacting tears, I looked up to see him standing with a lady.

All thoughts of sadness escaped me as we hugged, kissed, and he introduced me to his mom. We shook hands and she asked me the obligatory questions any good mother would ask the chick her son is dating. Sadly it was a short visit since he had to go get ready with his graduating class. As she walked away, she told me how happy I made him.

From then on I felt much better about being there, and five minutes later I got a text thanking me for being there. After what seemed like ages, they finally called his name. About 20 minutes later I get the text I had been waiting forever for, asking if I wanted to join him and his family for dinner. He told me to meet him at his place and we would go from there.

I quickly got home and changed, making sure to put something on a little bit nicer. It was the moment I had been waiting for, and suddenly I was nervous. What if they didn’t like me?

It turned out that I had nothing to worry about. I met his mom, dad, stepmom, grandma, and several family friends. I fit in well. OUr dinner reservations were fairly late in the evening, so we ended up closing the restaurant. Eventually they started to plan breakfast and who was coming. His family was very insistent that I join.

I enjoyed getting to know them, and hope to see them again soon. I was glad that they seemed to like me.

Trying to Get Caught

I thought he would be on his way shortly. It was Saturday and my roommate was gone for the weekend. I unlocked the front door for him and texted him to let himself in. I got back in bed and grabbed my favorite toy. I hoped and fantasized about him walking in on me masturbating. I wondered how he would react, and what he would do or say.

Would he be into it? Or would it be a complete turn off to him? Would he even care? At this point it had been almost two months since we did anything naughty. I ashamedly admit that I was getting desperate.

I didn’t even need porn, I was so turned on at just the fantasy of him catching me, hopefully joining me. I had to edge for a bit, as it didn’t take me long to feel like I was going to climax. I hoped he would hurry.

I started thinking about whether or not I wanted to time my orgasm for when he walked in, or save it for when he was in the same room as me and realized what I was doing.

My thoughts got a bit darker then. What if the person to walk in was not him? Who would it be, and depending on who it was would I keep going?

Eventually I started to feel too good not to come. Since I was alone, I let my moans escape my throat. What if I moaned so loud someone heard and came to check on me? At the thought of anyone walking in at that point made me come even harder.

After my orgasm he texted that he was on his way. I thought about my poor timing and wondered if I should go for round two of trying to be caught. Unfortunately, at that point I lost my nerve and quickly got dressed and did one last clean up run through of my apartment.

Maybe I can gather the courage to try again next time. Next time I will wait for his text that he is on his way before I start to play.

Only Time Will Tell

As I said in several previous posts, the future of my current relationship is a complete waiting game. These least few weeks have been rough as school has kept him too busy for my liking. When we first met, one of the first things I asked him was if he planned to stay or leave after he graduated. He made it seem like he wanted to stay.

However, fairly early on in our relationship he made several comments about moving away. As we got closer to the end of school it has been something hanging over my head. We have started to talk about it several times, but both of us got too sad to really continue the conversation. I started to just assume he would leave right after.

The other night I started to get a different impression. He said he was going to do everything he could to stay, and would do so as long as possible. When discussing the dates he would be gone he mentioned cutting that time in half to stay in town with me.

I really hope he does stick around. I have been trying to stay positive whenever I started to dwell on the what ifs. Things are still in a huge waiting game, but at the moment they are starting to look more in my favor. Only time will Tell.

It’s Complicated

I never really understood the point in saying a relationship was complicated. I used to figure it either was a thing or it wasn’t; the feeling are or they aren’t. At least until I didn’t understand up until now.

Now I know it really can be complicated. It is not as easy as black and white. I am feeling like my relationship is drifting into complicated territory and I finally understand. I go from being really happy when I am with him, especially when we kiss, cuddle, and hold hands. However, when we are apart, I can’t help but feel slightly unhappy.

The unhappiness comes mostly from my lack of self confidence, but it also has to do with the lack of sexuality in our relationship. I have a very high sex drive and I am finding out that he does not. I used to think that his workload and stress was a huge factor, but now I can’t help but feel like it has to do with me. It wouldn’t be the first time.

I also can’t help but feel the inevitable approach. He will be graduating and potentially moving out of the area unless he miraculously gets a job in the area, Even then he might not stick around.

I fell in love with him, but I couldn’t get him to fall for me. Soon we are either going to have to step up our relationship prematurely or end it before it truly gets a chance to bloom. We have been talking for 7 months, and officially a couple for about 4. It feels too soon to have the talk about moving in with each other, but if he can’t get a job and does want to stay, one of us will have to move in. I have thought about it long and hard and am willing to support him financially if it comes down to it. I would love it if he stayed.

I don’t feel ready to move with him, if that is what he wants. I would be willing to go long distance, but if it ends before we get anywhere I feel like I might start resenting him. I would feel like I wasted a bunch of time twiddling my thumbs waiting for something to happen when it never does.

I have been trying really hard to think positively, but it is getting harder as what feels like the end comes near. Each day that passes my feelings get a little bit more complicated,

Preparation

I came to the realization the other day that everyone I have ever dated has prepared me for Andy. So far Andy is my favorite boyfriend That I have ever had, the best one I ever dated, etc.

The biggest example I can think of is J. Andy and J are similar in the fact that they both have major ups and downs. The only difference is that Andy hasn’t done anything to disappoint me (knock on wood). J was infamous for flaking on all the time, however, Andy has only had to cancel once, and that was due to homework. School comes first, I get it. Totally excusable. J just flaked because he could, didn’t care how I felt, etc.They both have severe mood swings, and I saw the worst of J. In the end I realized he was controlling in his passive aggressiveness. I have yet to see the darker side of Andy, granted, but I know it is there and feel prepared in how to deal thanks to my experience with J.,

Another example would be Will. If I hadn’t had the experience of slow moving Will, I would have given up on Andy way too soon. Yes, there were many mixed signals, but mostly good ones that kept me encouraged to keep pursuing Andy.

As far as Lee goes, Andy graduates next semester. Lee left easily, without looking back. I know that a lot can happen in 5 or 6 months, but in that time Andy will be graduating. I have been having to think about whether I could drop everything and move (if that’s what his future prospects require him to do, or if I could handle long distance, or if we even need to break things off.

As far as H goes, he broke down my most recent wall. I was made vulnerable again, allowing myself to open up to Andy enough to let him in and in the end take the next step of boyfriend and girlfriend.

There were many others in between, but those are the ones with the most significant impact on me, allowing me to be ready for everything that Andy has to offer, plus so much more.The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Slow Down

One thing I learned in my last relationship is to slow the fuck down. In every relationship I have always allowed it to move too fast. I always just went with the flow, but as fun as that can be at first, it can lead to a huge standstill, boredom, and broken promises.

My first and only high school “relationship” lasted five days, but within the first day of meeting (we had been set up by a mutual friend) we were playing tonsil hockey. With my first college boyfriend, I was giving him head barely a week into it. I was so enamored that I told him I loved him after I swallowed his cum.

My second college boyfriend was practically the same way, except twice as long. The first night I stayed the night at his house I told him I loved him. I really do feel like I loved these guys at the time, but I think it was a different kind of love, if it was love at all.

It wasn’t until this last relationship that I really started to try and define the difference between lust and love. Within two weeks of being together he told me he loved me. I feel terrible about that because I said it back, but knew that what I was feeling was close to love, but not quite. I just couldn’t figure out what.

I was very careful not to make promises. I never promised to not break his heart, as several others once did to me. I never promised forever, because I knew deep down that it was just not going to last.

So, I know to slow down, but my question is how? I don’t see myself seeing anyone for a very long time, but when the time comes, how do I make it slow down? It is such a high to get caught up in the moments of lust. At what point do we start moving forward, taking the next steps?

 

If Only I Were Poly…

This last summer D took me to breakfast. We both had something we wanted to share with the other. I was nervous to tell him my thing, since the last time something along the same lines came about he was bummed about.

He picked me up that morning and we went to a little diner. After we ordered, he asked for my news first. I told him about the “new relationship” I was in. We had only been seeing each other a few days, but I was liking him. I was shocked when D said he was happy for me. When I asked what the difference was from a few weeks ago when I “fell” into a relationship, he said because this sounded like something I wanted, plus he heard it from me instead of facebook.

I asked what his news was. He told me he was polyamorous and in a poly relationship with an ex of his (who was with a couple). He said he had been for years, but was just now being open about it. He said that ideally, he would prefer to have one main relationship and as a couple have other partners. I told him good luck. I didn’t really know what else I could say. I then told him I was glad he felt comfortable telling me, and he said it was important to tell me since we have sex on occasion (when I am single).

On the way home, I told him that him being poly made since, being as how he has always had multiple partners. I added that it made sense why we never became an item, since I am very much monogamous. He said it wasn’t just that, but he always felt like I wouldn’t be happy with him. I told him I understand.

A few weeks later we talked again about him being poly. I told him that I wished I was, since I really needed to see someone that wasn’t the guy I was dating. J was texting me at the time as well, and I told D all about J. I said it would be so much easier if I was poly, then I could see both guys. Who knows, maybe I could get that relationship with D I have always wanted.

If I was poly, and my partners were aware, I could see one when the other wasn’t available. I don’t think I would have to worry about not getting enough sex. I love the idea of having multiple loves. I just can’t get past the idea of them having other partners. I get too jealous. Someday, I hope that will all change.

Moving On

Sometimes I wonder if Will ever misses me, misses what we had. He seemed so lonely the other night when he came over to hang out. I got the feeling that he was avoiding having to leave when he kept finding things to talk about. He ended up staying til two in the morning, several hours longer than either of us planned.

When he hugs me goodbye I get the feeling that he doesn’t want to let go. At times it seems like he is going to kiss me. Maybe it’s out of habit, maybe it’s because he still loves me. I don’t know how I would feel if he kissed me. Excited? Weirded out? Irritated most likely, since it would make all my doubts disappear, all the time I spent healing and getting over him be for nothing.

I know that I could never ask how he feels, if he ever misses me or regrets his decision on leaving me. Either answer I got would do more harm than good.

If he doesn’t miss me and feels feels like he made the right decision, I couldn’t take the rejection over again. That doesn’t mean I want him back, it just means it would be a low punch to the ego, knowing that I am still not wanted.

Worse than that, what if he did want me back? I don’t think I could take him back. I just don’t feel the same with him anymore. I am no longer attracted to him, physically and emotionally. I would feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells with him, worried he would overreact about something so small and petty again.

Deep down I will always care for him in some way. The same goes for him. We will always be there for each other if the other is in trouble.

I feel that I am no longer attached to him, no longer in love, but at the same time I can’t bear the idea of him meeting someone new. I feel selfish, especially since I have been trying my hardest to meet someone for myself.

I think I am way past rebound. I want nothing more than to meet someone more special than him, someone to help me explore my sexuality, settle down with, and possibly start a family.

Cold Hot Cold – Part 1

**I have been debating on whether or not to write this. In the beginning I never did want to write about it, let alone share it because it was so special and personal to me. This post and a later post (may be the next post, or many posts down the road) are the first time Will and I did things sexually. Please note, he was quite new to all things sexual, so some things he says are quite inexperienced.**
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I wore my brand new red negligee under my clothes, with plans of wearing it as my “pajamas.” Will had been staying over every Sunday night for the past few weeks, and the week before we said “I love you” for the first time. Will always slept in his clothes (though he admitted that he slept naked when he was alone) and I slept in a t-shirt and pajama bottoms.

That night before bed, I did my normal getting ready in the bathroom (brushing teeth, peeing) and skipped the changing. I slipped out of my clothes when I went back into my room and shut the door. Will had changed into the shorts I had talked him into bringing over.

I climbed into bed and gave him a cuddling hug, him resting on his back, me on my right side with my left arm holding onto him around the waist. We began kissing slowly, softly. I was expecting him to pull away at any moment like he normally does, but instead his kisses got deeper, more urgent. I felt him move my arm a little lower, down towards his hip. As we kissed, the lower I felt my arm being nudged by him.

So used to things not being sexual between us, I was shocked when he gave my arm one final shove so that my hand was resting on his hard cock. I heard him take in a deep breath and whisper that I was the first to go there.

Shocked, excited, and cautious all at the same time, I began to rub the crotch of his shorts, feeling all of his hard cock and balls. I was not sure how long he would be in the mood, and I wanted to get as much as I could.

“You know, the sequins on your outfit are scratching my chest,” he said suddenly.

“So should I take it off?” I asked.

“Yes, please,” he answered.

I hated to take my hand away from my newly acquired package, but I sat up anyways and  lifted off my top, wearing only the matching thong. As soon as I laid back down next to him he began feeling me all over, though never going below my waist.

“Mmm, thank you. You are so soft. It feels nice. Now, would you like me to take mine off?” he asked me quietly.

“Yes, I would,” I replied eagerly.

He wasted no time in taking off his shorts. I was unsure still if it was okay to touch him. I didn’t want to do anything he wasn’t comfortable with. He answered my unasked questions by putting my hand back on his still hard cock. He still had is underwear on!

A little surprised, even though I still had my thong on, I rubbed him outside of the cloth a bit, then got gutsy and slowly slid my hand inside his briefs and wrapped my hand around him. Oh, he felt nice. It had been months since I felt a nice hard cock. I began feeling it all over, trying to get a picture in my mind of it since we were in the dark.

“Ahh, here, let me get rid of those,” he said and slid his underwear down. I decided to do the same for my thong.

We were now completely naked. I moved my hand back to his cock and felt everywhere. He began to moan softly as I slowly started to jerk him off. When his breathing picked up, I asked if he would like me to suck on it. He said sure.

I lowered the covers and myself so that my mouth was at his cock. I slowly took him in, inch by inch, swirling my tongue around the head. I heard a sharp intake of breath from him and lifted my head up to ask if he was ok. Apparently my tongue made him too sensitive, so I lowered my mouth onto him again, this time careful not to use tongue.

Just as I was starting to get a good rhythm of bobbing my head up and down, I am covered by blankets. He threw the blankets over me, making it hard to breath and move. I tried to wiggle out of them, but he just kept pulling them over me. It started to feel way too hot under there. Eventually I stopped and crawled out from under the blankets to lay next to him. I told him the blankets made it harder to do that. He said he lost the mood and that we should sleep.

He rolled over and did just that, while I lay there irritated and horny. Horny because my sexual side was allowed to finally come out and I felt like that door was slammed in my face. Irritated because he was always so hot and cold about things.