If Only I Were Poly…

This last summer D took me to breakfast. We both had something we wanted to share with the other. I was nervous to tell him my thing, since the last time something along the same lines came about he was bummed about.

He picked me up that morning and we went to a little diner. After we ordered, he asked for my news first. I told him about the “new relationship” I was in. We had only been seeing each other a few days, but I was liking him. I was shocked when D said he was happy for me. When I asked what the difference was from a few weeks ago when I “fell” into a relationship, he said because this sounded like something I wanted, plus he heard it from me instead of facebook.

I asked what his news was. He told me he was polyamorous and in a poly relationship with an ex of his (who was with a couple). He said he had been for years, but was just now being open about it. He said that ideally, he would prefer to have one main relationship and as a couple have other partners. I told him good luck. I didn’t really know what else I could say. I then told him I was glad he felt comfortable telling me, and he said it was important to tell me since we have sex on occasion (when I am single).

On the way home, I told him that him being poly made since, being as how he has always had multiple partners. I added that it made sense why we never became an item, since I am very much monogamous. He said it wasn’t just that, but he always felt like I wouldn’t be happy with him. I told him I understand.

A few weeks later we talked again about him being poly. I told him that I wished I was, since I really needed to see someone that wasn’t the guy I was dating. J was texting me at the time as well, and I told D all about J. I said it would be so much easier if I was poly, then I could see both guys. Who knows, maybe I could get that relationship with D I have always wanted.

If I was poly, and my partners were aware, I could see one when the other wasn’t available. I don’t think I would have to worry about not getting enough sex. I love the idea of having multiple loves. I just can’t get past the idea of them having other partners. I get too jealous. Someday, I hope that will all change.

Moving On

Sometimes I wonder if Will ever misses me, misses what we had. He seemed so lonely the other night when he came over to hang out. I got the feeling that he was avoiding having to leave when he kept finding things to talk about. He ended up staying til two in the morning, several hours longer than either of us planned.

When he hugs me goodbye I get the feeling that he doesn’t want to let go. At times it seems like he is going to kiss me. Maybe it’s out of habit, maybe it’s because he still loves me. I don’t know how I would feel if he kissed me. Excited? Weirded out? Irritated most likely, since it would make all my doubts disappear, all the time I spent healing and getting over him be for nothing.

I know that I could never ask how he feels, if he ever misses me or regrets his decision on leaving me. Either answer I got would do more harm than good.

If he doesn’t miss me and feels feels like he made the right decision, I couldn’t take the rejection over again. That doesn’t mean I want him back, it just means it would be a low punch to the ego, knowing that I am still not wanted.

Worse than that, what if he did want me back? I don’t think I could take him back. I just don’t feel the same with him anymore. I am no longer attracted to him, physically and emotionally. I would feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells with him, worried he would overreact about something so small and petty again.

Deep down I will always care for him in some way. The same goes for him. We will always be there for each other if the other is in trouble.

I feel that I am no longer attached to him, no longer in love, but at the same time I can’t bear the idea of him meeting someone new. I feel selfish, especially since I have been trying my hardest to meet someone for myself.

I think I am way past rebound. I want nothing more than to meet someone more special than him, someone to help me explore my sexuality, settle down with, and possibly start a family.

Cold Hot Cold – Part 1

**I have been debating on whether or not to write this. In the beginning I never did want to write about it, let alone share it because it was so special and personal to me. This post and a later post (may be the next post, or many posts down the road) are the first time Will and I did things sexually. Please note, he was quite new to all things sexual, so some things he says are quite inexperienced.**

I wore my brand new red negligee under my clothes, with plans of wearing it as my “pajamas.” Will had been staying over every Sunday night for the past few weeks, and the week before we said “I love you” for the first time. Will always slept in his clothes (though he admitted that he slept naked when he was alone) and I slept in a t-shirt and pajama bottoms.

That night before bed, I did my normal getting ready in the bathroom (brushing teeth, peeing) and skipped the changing. I slipped out of my clothes when I went back into my room and shut the door. Will had changed into the shorts I had talked him into bringing over.

I climbed into bed and gave him a cuddling hug, him resting on his back, me on my right side with my left arm holding onto him around the waist. We began kissing slowly, softly. I was expecting him to pull away at any moment like he normally does, but instead his kisses got deeper, more urgent. I felt him move my arm a little lower, down towards his hip. As we kissed, the lower I felt my arm being nudged by him.

So used to things not being sexual between us, I was shocked when he gave my arm one final shove so that my hand was resting on his hard cock. I heard him take in a deep breath and whisper that I was the first to go there.

Shocked, excited, and cautious all at the same time, I began to rub the crotch of his shorts, feeling all of his hard cock and balls. I was not sure how long he would be in the mood, and I wanted to get as much as I could.

“You know, the sequins on your outfit are scratching my chest,” he said suddenly.

“So should I take it off?” I asked.

“Yes, please,” he answered.

I hated to take my hand away from my newly acquired package, but I sat up anyways and  lifted off my top, wearing only the matching thong. As soon as I laid back down next to him he began feeling me all over, though never going below my waist.

“Mmm, thank you. You are so soft. It feels nice. Now, would you like me to take mine off?” he asked me quietly.

“Yes, I would,” I replied eagerly.

He wasted no time in taking off his shorts. I was unsure still if it was okay to touch him. I didn’t want to do anything he wasn’t comfortable with. He answered my unasked questions by putting my hand back on his still hard cock. He still had is underwear on!

A little surprised, even though I still had my thong on, I rubbed him outside of the cloth a bit, then got gutsy and slowly slid my hand inside his briefs and wrapped my hand around him. Oh, he felt nice. It had been months since I felt a nice hard cock. I began feeling it all over, trying to get a picture in my mind of it since we were in the dark.

“Ahh, here, let me get rid of those,” he said and slid his underwear down. I decided to do the same for my thong.

We were now completely naked. I moved my hand back to his cock and felt everywhere. He began to moan softly as I slowly started to jerk him off. When his breathing picked up, I asked if he would like me to suck on it. He said sure.

I lowered the covers and myself so that my mouth was at his cock. I slowly took him in, inch by inch, swirling my tongue around the head. I heard a sharp intake of breath from him and lifted my head up to ask if he was ok. Apparently my tongue made him too sensitive, so I lowered my mouth onto him again, this time careful not to use tongue.

Just as I was starting to get a good rhythm of bobbing my head up and down, I am covered by blankets. He threw the blankets over me, making it hard to breath and move. I tried to wiggle out of them, but he just kept pulling them over me. It started to feel way too hot under there. Eventually I stopped and crawled out from under the blankets to lay next to him. I told him the blankets made it harder to do that. He said he lost the mood and that we should sleep.

He rolled over and did just that, while I lay there irritated and horny. Horny because my sexual side was allowed to finally come out and I felt like that door was slammed in my face. Irritated because he was always so hot and cold about things.


I thought I was going to marry Will. I figured I had done all the single-life experimenting that I needed to do. I was pissed when he dumped me because I hated the idea of having to learn to trust someone all over again. I figured I would have to wait months, maybe years, before I was completely comfortable with someone again.

However, despite all that, I realized what I have to look forward to in my next relationship.

One of my favorite things in new romance is that beginning honeymoon stage. The part where all you see is each other. A couple of weeks ago I saw a couple in the bar we were cleaning. It was obvious they were on a date and SO into each other. They were holding hands, smiling into each others eyes, and giving sweet kisses all over (necks, cheeks, forehead, etc). I was almost jealous. I look forward to having that with someone again.

Being single again gives me the chance to date. I have never really been on a true date. Relationships always just kind of happened with me, and so I never got to go on multiple dates with multiple people. I look forward to dating this time (ha, if someone will just take me out).

Will was not a very sexual guy. I look forward to having a normal sexual relationship with someone. Like a fuck buddy, but this time with the emotional attachments. I would choose a relationship over a fuck buddy any day.

I look forward to learning a person inside and out. I look forward to them doing the same with me. I always love those first moments, like first kiss, first time we do something sexual, etc. Most of all though, I look forward to having romance again.


I will be honest. I don’t think I am 100% over Will. On the outside I really am, and I feel like I am putting on a show, because on the inside I have completely mixed feelings.

At most times, I feel like he did me a favor. I felt like his reason for leaving was stupid and selfish. I am glad that we never got married, because it would have gotten worse. I am also glad because several times I thought of leaving him myself, since I felt like his computer was more important to him than me.

However, some times, I just feel empty. He is very excited for this year, because he is planning on doing all of the things that we planned on doing (though now by himself). He is going to fly to see the east coast, and maybe meet one of our mutual online friends. He is going to go to Seattle to meet another friend of ours.

Granted, they were his friends first, and he introduced them to me, but still. It makes me feel left out. He also told me at the beginning of the break up that he was going to go to the gym, now that he didn’t have me as a distraction. What the fuck? I never stopped him from going, he was just too involved in his computer games, yet blamed me for not going. He said it was because I wouldn’t go with him to the gym. Well, I’m sorry I was having really bad feet problems, like a collapsing arch.

Sometimes I wonder if he ever regrets his decision to leave me. I also sometimes wonder how I would react if he told me he wanted me back. A part of me does, just out of pure dread at the idea of having to meet someone new and get to that comfortable stage. The stage where nothing bothers the other about the other. The other part of me that does not want him back is the part that I think has the most sense. I say this because if we were to get back together, things would never be the same. I would always feel like I am walking on eggshells, afraid to say something wrong to him, and he would probably always put his computer first. It really is better that we just stay friends. So far its working, kinda.

I am trying really hard to stay his friend, and mostly it is working. We are slowly spending more time together. This week he is going with me to get my nipples pierced, and when I move he is gonna help me with the deposit, and then I will pay him back when I get the deposit back on the apartment that we had together. He is also going to share his storage unit with me if there is not enough room for my stuff at the new place, and I will share the cost of it. When I move, he will also move my bed and dresser for me, since he has a pick-up and i have a car.

As far as break ups go, I feel like ours was very clean, as much as it hurt and how messy it seemed in the beginning. Will is someone that i think (I hope) I can always count on, and the same goes for him.

G-Spot Orgasm

If you have read my earlier posts, you will know that one of my major goals in life is to orgasm without a vibrator. I never thought that the first time that would happen was through a g-spot orgasm. The orgasm happened when Will used the Raquel dildo on me.

It started with him getting very sexually worked up for once. Also, for once I told him he needed to work on me first, since every time I let him orgasm first, he was too tired to work on me. I was already very wet, and he made me even wetter when he ran his hard cock all over my wet pussy lips.

Since at this time we still had not had full on sex, he got into my toy box and pulled out our favorite, the Raquel dildo. He slowly slid it in, then began small thrusts in and out.

The sensation was overwhelming. He had it at the perfect angle to where it was hitting my g-spot. I told him so, and he kept going, making the thrusts a little bit deeper. I felt like I had to pee, and I wanted to laugh, scream, and cry, all at the same time.

At one point I told him to slow down for a second because it was starting to feel like too much. After I rested for a bit, I told him to continue. The pressure built, until finally I felt something deep inside me clench and contract. (This is the best way I can describe it, as it has been a while since this happened, and my memory of it is a bit fuzzy).

Even though I had never experienced anything like that before, I knew that what I had just then was my first g-spot orgasm, my first orgasm without a vibrator. I was surprised I never did squirt, especially since we were prepared with towels. I did, however, cry. I cried from all of the mixed emotions I got from the overwhelming sensations. I cried while I laughed. Instead of screaming, I grunted when I felt the clenching contraction deep inside me.

The Break Up

On October 31, 2011, Will broke up with me. He felt like I was getting in the way of his job. It started with him coming up to me on the night of the 29th and telling me that the next Friday at 6 he would be in “town.” I asked if he was going with friends, doing errands, or going out with coworkers. He told me he didn’t think he could tell me.

I began to feel pissed off, and asked if it was work related or not. He said he couldn’t tell me and stormed out. The next morning after we got off work, we began arguing. I told him that it pisses me off when he can’t tell me the littlest thing, things that seem small to me are huge to him because he takes his job too seriously. He told me that that is where I go wrong, and that I need to quit thinking about his job like that.

To prove a point, he told me he was going on a hot sate that night. I felt like I hated him at that moment. He knew that cheating is the one thing I have no tolerance for. He seemed to think this would help him prove his point that “I make him feel like hes cheating on me sometimes.” What the fuck does that mean? Who the hell does that?

Since I could no longer talk, I was so furious in tears, he made pancakes for us, humming happily to himself. Things seemed fine, with him at least. We ate, took a shower together, and went to sleep. Well, he went to sleep. I kept crying. I cried myself to sleep, I woke up crying. When he woke up for the day, I was still crying and he went into the computer room to play his games. I stayed in bed and cried until it was almost time to go to work.

I finally went into the room where he was, to tell him I was worried about us. He said there was nothing to worry about, that he would never leave me. I told him I wasn’t so sure. He hugged me and I broke down again. I told him I would be ok once Friday was over with. He told me not to do anything drastic until then. “Like what, pack my shit and move out?” I asked bitterly. He said “Yes, like that.”

We got dressed and went to work. During work, I started to feel ok. I began to tell myself he wouldn’t do this to us if it wasn’t work related. I was feeling really good about things by the time work was over. However, he was mad again. He told me on the way home he was going to sleep in the spare room to think things over.

When we got home, I was crying again, trying to reason with him. We still undressed each other, we still took our shower together, but instead of getting in bed together, I left and went to my mom’s to sleep. I didn’t sleep at all that day. I spent the day crying, worrying that I was going to lose him.

He finally called for me to go home. He told me over the phone that he thought things over and decided that we did need to break up. I cried. I begged for him to take me back. I felt pathetic. He said he wanted to stay friends, and try to stay room mates. I told him it would be hard, but I was willing to give it a try.

Living with your ex is not easy. It was hard doing stuff separately rather than together (undressing, showering, cooking, etc). Once in a while old habits would sneak up on us though. We would find ourselves in a kiss, or exchanging I love you’s. It hurt a lot when I walked in the spare room to use the bathroom and I saw him jerking off. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. That used to be my job to get him off (a different post, I promise). However, harder than all of that, was watching him fall out of love with me so easily.

He really did feel like I was making him choose between me or his job. His coworkers asked about us soon after the break up. I told them what happened. They all called him an idiot, and told me it was a dinner for their department. Just because he couldn’t invite me didn’t mean he couldn’t tell me about it. I told him I knew it was a dinner, and he freaked out and told me we had no chance together, ever after that. That day when he woke up he went out to find his own place.

I ended up packing his shit, because he was too lazy playing on his computer to do it himself. It was hard to see him go, but at the same time it was a relief. I ended up asking myself why I was having such a hard time letting go, when in all honesty I haven’t been that happy with him that last few months. I always felt like his computer was more important, and our sex life was shaky to begin with. That was when I really started letting go.

We are trying to stay friends, though its hard. I always dread seeing him at work, and I hate it when he has mail still come here sometimes, meaning he has to come and get it. However, I end up enjoying his company more than I thought I would, though I feel worse all over again after he leaves.

For a while I hated sleeping because all I did was dream that we were back together, then woke up realizing how alone I was. I don’t dream about him so much anymore. Its easier to sleep, and I am starting to enjoy that I don’t have to clean up after anyone but myself.


Don’t get me wrong, I may have come off a little strong last post. I am cooling off about my little discovery. It’s not like he did anything in real life behind my back. Whatever, I am getting over it.

I love Will, so much, with all of my heart and soul. As sexually frustrated I may get most of the time, he saved me from going down a very bad road. Without him, I am 95% sure I would have ended up pregnant or with an STD of some sort.

Yes, I used protection, but shit happens. As careful as I was, I could have been more careful. A couple of times condoms fell off. I was just lucky enough to have started birth control a month before that happened.

Will has changed me so much, and all for the better. In two weeks will be our one year anniversary. It has been the best year of my life. He is my longest relationship. I see myself marrying this guy, settling kids, and raising a family.

This may sound really cliché, but I didn’t really know what love was until I found Will.

Long Time No Update

Sorry guys for my lack of updating. The lack of updates is due to several reasons. Number one is the fact that I have no time to really post. Secondly, my boyfriend still does not know about this blog, and I am sure he never will. He knows I write reviews and erotica, but he does not know how much deeper it goes than that.

I have went through and took out the nude pics of me. I just didn’t feel right having them up here, especially in case he ever happens to stumble across this site.

I am debating whether or not taking down the majority of the stuff, or just deleting this place altogether. I would rather not do that though. This blog has helped me grow so much. Not only did I learn a lot of lessons (some good, some bad), I also met some really nice people who gave me some of the best advice when I needed it the most. You, my readers, also helped give me a huge confidence boost from the positive comments on pictures.

As for my life now, things are amazing with Will. I could not ask for more with this guy. I really feel like there is something there with us. We are still taking things very slow (which I have gotten used to). I must say, before him, my reputation for sleepovers was quite…naughty. He has totally killed that reputation. Also, since we got together, Toby has left me alone. I still worry he might slip up and say something, but I don’t think that will happen.

For now I will keep things up and running, especially for reviews.

A Little About Me

My name is Tashamber. I am 20 years old and I am in my third year of junior college. Right now I am taking general education requirements, but I have big dreams of having a business major and being a CPA. In this blog I plan to talk about my life, masturbation, share my fantasies, and review the toys I have in my toy box. I have a lot.

I grew up very sheltered and did not discover masturbation until I was seventeen and a senior in high school when my friend got me my first vibrator as a “prom night gift.”

Currently I am in a committed relationship of six months and counting. He is my third boyfriend and respects the fact that I want to stay a virgin until I am ready. When I say virgin, I describe that as never having had sexual intercourse. This does not mean we haven’t done other things together, but I will save that for another post. He is my third boyfriend, however my first one I don’t really count because he was only using me and we only lasted five days when he finally broke up with me.

Ever since I was a little kid I have had a fascination with penises. I loved to see penises. I was fascinated by them. I don’t know what it is about them, but when I see one I just get really turned on. I especially love to watch a guy jack off and see his cum shoot out everywhere. That gets me hot.

Well, now you know a little about me. More to come later.