Romance

I thought I was going to marry Will. I figured I had done all the single-life experimenting that I needed to do. I was pissed when he dumped me because I hated the idea of having to learn to trust someone all over again. I figured I would have to wait months, maybe years, before I was completely comfortable with someone again.

However, despite all that, I realized what I have to look forward to in my next relationship.

One of my favorite things in new romance is that beginning honeymoon stage. The part where all you see is each other. A couple of weeks ago I saw a couple in the bar we were cleaning. It was obvious they were on a date and SO into each other. They were holding hands, smiling into each others eyes, and giving sweet kisses all over (necks, cheeks, forehead, etc). I was almost jealous. I look forward to having that with someone again.

Being single again gives me the chance to date. I have never really been on a true date. Relationships always just kind of happened with me, and so I never got to go on multiple dates with multiple people. I look forward to dating this time (ha, if someone will just take me out).

Will was not a very sexual guy. I look forward to having a normal sexual relationship with someone. Like a fuck buddy, but this time with the emotional attachments. I would choose a relationship over a fuck buddy any day.

I look forward to learning a person inside and out. I look forward to them doing the same with me. I always love those first moments, like first kiss, first time we do something sexual, etc. Most of all though, I look forward to having romance again.

Healing

I will be honest. I don’t think I am 100% over Will. On the outside I really am, and I feel like I am putting on a show, because on the inside I have completely mixed feelings.

At most times, I feel like he did me a favor. I felt like his reason for leaving was stupid and selfish. I am glad that we never got married, because it would have gotten worse. I am also glad because several times I thought of leaving him myself, since I felt like his computer was more important to him than me.

However, some times, I just feel empty. He is very excited for this year, because he is planning on doing all of the things that we planned on doing (though now by himself). He is going to fly to see the east coast, and maybe meet one of our mutual online friends. He is going to go to Seattle to meet another friend of ours.

Granted, they were his friends first, and he introduced them to me, but still. It makes me feel left out. He also told me at the beginning of the break up that he was going to go to the gym, now that he didn’t have me as a distraction. What the fuck? I never stopped him from going, he was just too involved in his computer games, yet blamed me for not going. He said it was because I wouldn’t go with him to the gym. Well, I’m sorry I was having really bad feet problems, like a collapsing arch.

Sometimes I wonder if he ever regrets his decision to leave me. I also sometimes wonder how I would react if he told me he wanted me back. A part of me does, just out of pure dread at the idea of having to meet someone new and get to that comfortable stage. The stage where nothing bothers the other about the other. The other part of me that does not want him back is the part that I think has the most sense. I say this because if we were to get back together, things would never be the same. I would always feel like I am walking on eggshells, afraid to say something wrong to him, and he would probably always put his computer first. It really is better that we just stay friends. So far its working, kinda.

I am trying really hard to stay his friend, and mostly it is working. We are slowly spending more time together. This week he is going with me to get my nipples pierced, and when I move he is gonna help me with the deposit, and then I will pay him back when I get the deposit back on the apartment that we had together. He is also going to share his storage unit with me if there is not enough room for my stuff at the new place, and I will share the cost of it. When I move, he will also move my bed and dresser for me, since he has a pick-up and i have a car.

As far as break ups go, I feel like ours was very clean, as much as it hurt and how messy it seemed in the beginning. Will is someone that i think (I hope) I can always count on, and the same goes for him.

G-Spot Orgasm

If you have read my earlier posts, you will know that one of my major goals in life is to orgasm without a vibrator. I never thought that the first time that would happen was through a g-spot orgasm. The orgasm happened when Will used the Raquel dildo on me.

It started with him getting very sexually worked up for once. Also, for once I told him he needed to work on me first, since every time I let him orgasm first, he was too tired to work on me. I was already very wet, and he made me even wetter when he ran his hard cock all over my wet pussy lips.

Since at this time we still had not had full on sex, he got into my toy box and pulled out our favorite, the Raquel dildo. He slowly slid it in, then began small thrusts in and out.

The sensation was overwhelming. He had it at the perfect angle to where it was hitting my g-spot. I told him so, and he kept going, making the thrusts a little bit deeper. I felt like I had to pee, and I wanted to laugh, scream, and cry, all at the same time.

At one point I told him to slow down for a second because it was starting to feel like too much. After I rested for a bit, I told him to continue. The pressure built, until finally I felt something deep inside me clench and contract. (This is the best way I can describe it, as it has been a while since this happened, and my memory of it is a bit fuzzy).

Even though I had never experienced anything like that before, I knew that what I had just then was my first g-spot orgasm, my first orgasm without a vibrator. I was surprised I never did squirt, especially since we were prepared with towels. I did, however, cry. I cried from all of the mixed emotions I got from the overwhelming sensations. I cried while I laughed. Instead of screaming, I grunted when I felt the clenching contraction deep inside me.

The Break Up

On October 31, 2011, Will broke up with me. He felt like I was getting in the way of his job. It started with him coming up to me on the night of the 29th and telling me that the next Friday at 6 he would be in “town.” I asked if he was going with friends, doing errands, or going out with coworkers. He told me he didn’t think he could tell me.

I began to feel pissed off, and asked if it was work related or not. He said he couldn’t tell me and stormed out. The next morning after we got off work, we began arguing. I told him that it pisses me off when he can’t tell me the littlest thing, things that seem small to me are huge to him because he takes his job too seriously. He told me that that is where I go wrong, and that I need to quit thinking about his job like that.

To prove a point, he told me he was going on a hot sate that night. I felt like I hated him at that moment. He knew that cheating is the one thing I have no tolerance for. He seemed to think this would help him prove his point that “I make him feel like hes cheating on me sometimes.” What the fuck does that mean? Who the hell does that?

Since I could no longer talk, I was so furious in tears, he made pancakes for us, humming happily to himself. Things seemed fine, with him at least. We ate, took a shower together, and went to sleep. Well, he went to sleep. I kept crying. I cried myself to sleep, I woke up crying. When he woke up for the day, I was still crying and he went into the computer room to play his games. I stayed in bed and cried until it was almost time to go to work.

I finally went into the room where he was, to tell him I was worried about us. He said there was nothing to worry about, that he would never leave me. I told him I wasn’t so sure. He hugged me and I broke down again. I told him I would be ok once Friday was over with. He told me not to do anything drastic until then. “Like what, pack my shit and move out?” I asked bitterly. He said “Yes, like that.”

We got dressed and went to work. During work, I started to feel ok. I began to tell myself he wouldn’t do this to us if it wasn’t work related. I was feeling really good about things by the time work was over. However, he was mad again. He told me on the way home he was going to sleep in the spare room to think things over.

When we got home, I was crying again, trying to reason with him. We still undressed each other, we still took our shower together, but instead of getting in bed together, I left and went to my mom’s to sleep. I didn’t sleep at all that day. I spent the day crying, worrying that I was going to lose him.

He finally called for me to go home. He told me over the phone that he thought things over and decided that we did need to break up. I cried. I begged for him to take me back. I felt pathetic. He said he wanted to stay friends, and try to stay room mates. I told him it would be hard, but I was willing to give it a try.

Living with your ex is not easy. It was hard doing stuff separately rather than together (undressing, showering, cooking, etc). Once in a while old habits would sneak up on us though. We would find ourselves in a kiss, or exchanging I love you’s. It hurt a lot when I walked in the spare room to use the bathroom and I saw him jerking off. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. That used to be my job to get him off (a different post, I promise). However, harder than all of that, was watching him fall out of love with me so easily.

He really did feel like I was making him choose between me or his job. His coworkers asked about us soon after the break up. I told them what happened. They all called him an idiot, and told me it was a dinner for their department. Just because he couldn’t invite me didn’t mean he couldn’t tell me about it. I told him I knew it was a dinner, and he freaked out and told me we had no chance together, ever after that. That day when he woke up he went out to find his own place.

I ended up packing his shit, because he was too lazy playing on his computer to do it himself. It was hard to see him go, but at the same time it was a relief. I ended up asking myself why I was having such a hard time letting go, when in all honesty I haven’t been that happy with him that last few months. I always felt like his computer was more important, and our sex life was shaky to begin with. That was when I really started letting go.

We are trying to stay friends, though its hard. I always dread seeing him at work, and I hate it when he has mail still come here sometimes, meaning he has to come and get it. However, I end up enjoying his company more than I thought I would, though I feel worse all over again after he leaves.

For a while I hated sleeping because all I did was dream that we were back together, then woke up realizing how alone I was. I don’t dream about him so much anymore. Its easier to sleep, and I am starting to enjoy that I don’t have to clean up after anyone but myself.

Love

Don’t get me wrong, I may have come off a little strong last post. I am cooling off about my little discovery. It’s not like he did anything in real life behind my back. Whatever, I am getting over it.

I love Will, so much, with all of my heart and soul. As sexually frustrated I may get most of the time, he saved me from going down a very bad road. Without him, I am 95% sure I would have ended up pregnant or with an STD of some sort.

Yes, I used protection, but shit happens. As careful as I was, I could have been more careful. A couple of times condoms fell off. I was just lucky enough to have started birth control a month before that happened.

Will has changed me so much, and all for the better. In two weeks will be our one year anniversary. It has been the best year of my life. He is my longest relationship. I see myself marrying this guy, settling kids, and raising a family.

This may sound really cliché, but I didn’t really know what love was until I found Will.

Long Time No Update

Sorry guys for my lack of updating. The lack of updates is due to several reasons. Number one is the fact that I have no time to really post. Secondly, my boyfriend still does not know about this blog, and I am sure he never will. He knows I write reviews and erotica, but he does not know how much deeper it goes than that.

I have went through and took out the nude pics of me. I just didn’t feel right having them up here, especially in case he ever happens to stumble across this site.

I am debating whether or not taking down the majority of the stuff, or just deleting this place altogether. I would rather not do that though. This blog has helped me grow so much. Not only did I learn a lot of lessons (some good, some bad), I also met some really nice people who gave me some of the best advice when I needed it the most. You, my readers, also helped give me a huge confidence boost from the positive comments on pictures.

As for my life now, things are amazing with Will. I could not ask for more with this guy. I really feel like there is something there with us. We are still taking things very slow (which I have gotten used to). I must say, before him, my reputation for sleepovers was quite…naughty. He has totally killed that reputation. Also, since we got together, Toby has left me alone. I still worry he might slip up and say something, but I don’t think that will happen.

For now I will keep things up and running, especially for reviews.

A Little About Me

My name is Tashamber. I am 20 years old and I am in my third year of junior college. Right now I am taking general education requirements, but I have big dreams of having a business major and being a CPA. In this blog I plan to talk about my life, masturbation, share my fantasies, and review the toys I have in my toy box. I have a lot.

I grew up very sheltered and did not discover masturbation until I was seventeen and a senior in high school when my friend got me my first vibrator as a “prom night gift.”

Currently I am in a committed relationship of six months and counting. He is my third boyfriend and respects the fact that I want to stay a virgin until I am ready. When I say virgin, I describe that as never having had sexual intercourse. This does not mean we haven’t done other things together, but I will save that for another post. He is my third boyfriend, however my first one I don’t really count because he was only using me and we only lasted five days when he finally broke up with me.

Ever since I was a little kid I have had a fascination with penises. I loved to see penises. I was fascinated by them. I don’t know what it is about them, but when I see one I just get really turned on. I especially love to watch a guy jack off and see his cum shoot out everywhere. That gets me hot.

Well, now you know a little about me. More to come later.