A Test of Sorts

The boyfriend is gone for nearly a month, and after this weekend he will be pretty much off the grid for almost 2 weeks. He is on his summer vacation, visiting family and friends down south. I miss him terribly, and it gets harder every day.

We still manage to at least say good morning, but after that he usually gets busy and either doesn’t talk again til late evening or the next morning. Some nights we were able to Skype and play video games, which is nice, but just not the same.

I have been kind of looking at his absence as a test for if/when he moves and whether or not we continue things as a long distance couple. At this point, I feel like I care more for him than he does for me, but that is probably my low self esteem talking. He has a hard time opening up, which also makes me wonder how he really feels about me.

Without knowing how he feels, or what he sees with me in the future, I don’t think I could do long distance. I really hate to say that, and I hate the idea of having to move on (again) and learn to know someone all over again (though sometimes that can be half the fun). I just don’t want anyone else.

Even with the lack of sex in our relationship that I am fairly unhappy about, I love everything else. I love him and really want to see where this goes. I have been trying to stay positive, but it gets harder each day that it gets closer to our possible doom.

Its two weeks into his month long absence and its killing me. I hate it. I miss his kiss, and our cuddles.

It’s Complicated

I never really understood the point in saying a relationship was complicated. I used to figure it either was a thing or it wasn’t; the feeling are or they aren’t. At least until I didn’t understand up until now.

Now I know it really can be complicated. It is not as easy as black and white. I am feeling like my relationship is drifting into complicated territory and I finally understand. I go from being really happy when I am with him, especially when we kiss, cuddle, and hold hands. However, when we are apart, I can’t help but feel slightly unhappy.

The unhappiness comes mostly from my lack of self confidence, but it also has to do with the lack of sexuality in our relationship. I have a very high sex drive and I am finding out that he does not. I used to think that his workload and stress was a huge factor, but now I can’t help but feel like it has to do with me. It wouldn’t be the first time.

I also can’t help but feel the inevitable approach. He will be graduating and potentially moving out of the area unless he miraculously gets a job in the area, Even then he might not stick around.

I fell in love with him, but I couldn’t get him to fall for me. Soon we are either going to have to step up our relationship prematurely or end it before it truly gets a chance to bloom. We have been talking for 7 months, and officially a couple for about 4. It feels too soon to have the talk about moving in with each other, but if he can’t get a job and does want to stay, one of us will have to move in. I have thought about it long and hard and am willing to support him financially if it comes down to it. I would love it if he stayed.

I don’t feel ready to move with him, if that is what he wants. I would be willing to go long distance, but if it ends before we get anywhere I feel like I might start resenting him. I would feel like I wasted a bunch of time twiddling my thumbs waiting for something to happen when it never does.

I have been trying really hard to think positively, but it is getting harder as what feels like the end comes near. Each day that passes my feelings get a little bit more complicated,

Tool

I have a tool of a supervisor. I have no idea what to do, as I am in between a rock and a hard place. Our department has no manager. This is the casino’s solution to saving money. We have a supervisor with no training, no tact, and can be very unprofessional. Sometimes I feel bad for the guy because he gets everything dumped on him with no idea what to to. Today however, I had no sympathy for the asshole.

He came in on his day off today, which was reason number one for him being in a bad mood. He asked me to do something, and I took a shortcut to get the information he wanted without leaving the office. Before I was even to tall him what he supposedly wanted to hear, he snapped at me to leave the office because he needed to “do something confidential.”

I left, pissed off. I had thirty minutes left in my shift, wanted to leave early all day, but no one would give permission, and he sends me out. Yet I wasn’t able to leave completely. I stormed out and went to the break room to cool off.

He has a bad problem of giggling when giving orders, making us not take him seriously when asked to do something. He then giggles when he is upset for said thing not being done. His delivery really sucks.

He has taken food without permission. In the break room he will help himself to food on the tables that is not his; a bite off this plate here, a bite off another one over there, etc. One day he even took my chips out of my bag in the office and ate the whole thing. He did the same thing with my cookies once.

One time he actually grabbed me. He handed me something to put in the office as he was leaving. As I was turning to put it in said office, he reached out and grabbed my arm so he could grab a piece off of whatever he handed me. It kind of hurt, but he was giggling.

His attitude sucks. He is trying to make everyone happy, but is making enemies instead by not handling the situation appropriately. A few problem coworkers have tried going to HR to throw him under the bus and failed miserably. I have considered HR myself, but I feel like if I bring up my problems with him I will get my own investigation.

I admit, I am not the most star employee. I have been on thin ice since being on light duty. I have no filter; I say “fuck” a lot and make inappropriate sexual innuendos all the time. I just don’t want things to bite me in the ass if I do complain to someone about this guy. I am just at a loss at what to do about this tool.

Slap in the Face

D was texting me the other night, saying that something interesting happened to him at work. He said it was a lot to text and would rather talk on Skype/phone or in person. A few days later he texted saying that really cute twins came into the store he worked at and flirted heavily. I rolled my eyes, thinking not much of it, though still a tad jealous.

Later tonight he called me and told me all about it. They came in for beer and started telling him how hot he was. Eventually one of them practically begging for a kiss. He gave in and she climbed over the counter, sat down and started making out with him.

Eventually they left and the one he kissed came back. They kissed more and after he closed up, she talked him into having sex in the store. He did. He sounded pretty excited about it, but the whole time he talked I started feeling shitty, more shitty as he mentioned each thing they did.

I told him I had no right to be jealous, I was glad he enjoyed the experience. He heard the cold tone in my voice and asked how I felt. I gave him pure honesty, telling him that it was pretty dumb, since he had no idea who she was, what she had, etc. getting a little paranoid, I asked what if she had mouth herpes, or warts that can spread even with a condom.

He said I had a good point, and if it would make me feel better, he would get tested. I reminded him that he’s told me that before (the reason I don’t give him oral anymore) and he said he would make an active effort to do so.

We talked a bit more, the whole time I felt resentful of the random chick he just met. First off, we have always joked about doing it in the store, but I have always been too chicken shit. It was still something I kind of had in mind for places to do it, just for fun. That appeal is pretty much gone, being as someone has beat me to it.

I also felt bad. He was excited and wanted to share it with me. I was far from excited. I hated being so monogamous at that moment. I hate that he’s the only one I have had sex with since J in October. He feels even more tainted than before.

I hate these conflicting feelings I have. I have no room to talk about sex with random strangers, since him and I got acquainted in the woods behind our college when I forgot his name, only knowing he was a friend of several friends. I also know that he is polyamorous, and though I hate sharing, it is just the way it is.

The whole thing just felt like a total slap in the face though, since he’s claimed to be sick since he got back from vacation. Him being sick has prevented me from getting laid (his excuse, though I am glad he kept the cold away from me). Yet he would fuck a total stranger when he’s sick? And she must be sick too, to fuck a random guy in a store, who knows what the fuck she has, if it’s more than mental disorders.