Kink of the Week – Halloween

As a kid I loved Halloween. I loved getting dressed up, and my favorite costume was always a witch. No idea why, it just was. I loved going trick-or-treating, and my favorite year was the one that my mom was out of town and my dad took me around town. That was rare, getting to spend time with my dad off of our mountain.

The last time I went trick-or-treating was with my high school friends my sophomore year. It was my last year because almost every house we went to commented about us being too old to do such a thing. We responded with the fact that at least we weren’t out partying or doing drugs/drinking alcohol.

As an adult, I quit caring about getting dressed up, especially after Halloween 2011. That was the day my world came crashing down, when the person I lived with, had been together almost 2 years decided we didn’t work together. I have long since moved past that, and I see it as him doing a favor now, because I realize how unhappy I was, but at the time it hurt a lot.

Costumes have gotten way too expensive, and I have never really been creative enough to make my own costume. This year at work they keep encouraging me to dress up, but I am just not into it. When I told them today that I had no interest, they actually seemed somewhat annoyed with me. I got annoyed at them. I shouldn’t have to dress up.

However, there is one costume I would love to have, and have wanted it for a very long time. I want a school girl outfit so badly! I am not sure what it is, but something about it is just so damn hot to me. I love the red plaid skirt, the stockings, and the button up white shirt. Someday I will own one, at least I hope. Every so often I look for them online, but always get discouraged at the price and sizes. My search usually ends pretty quickly. Someday though, it will happen.

Kink of the Week – Hand Spanking

To be completely honest, I am not too into hand spanking (or any kind of spanking). It just doesn’t really feel good to me, especially the harder swats. Now, that does not mean that I am completely against it, there is just a really fine line for me.

That said, I absolutely love the playful little spanks, both giving and receiving. I find it a huge shock (and compliment) when a partner suddenly grabs or lightly spanks my ass. It can also be hot hot or twice during sex if done lightly.

I can’t really think of a time when spanking was used a lot. Thinking back, I really only got a thrill out of it when it was used in a playful manner, and only even then when I was in the middle of sexless relationships and that was the only physical interaction I got. I learned to take what I could get and thrive off of that. It is kind of sad when you think about it.

I think it is great that others can get such a thrill out of it, and I do admire them when there are marks left over from their own spankings.

Laying it on Thick

I was texting with Aaron today (like we tend to do a lot at work, especially on break when there are others around) and I was laying it on thick. Complimenting, flirting, etc. He was doing the same and I didn’t stop smiling once.

When I got home I picked up the flirting even more, adding in extra “*blushes*” after compliments. I may have added one too many because he finally asked why I was blushing even more. I realized I kind of set a trap for myself and walked right into it.

I decided to come clean and told him that I liked him, but had been afraid of making things awkward if he didn’t feel the same. I didn’t realize that I was holding my breath until he texted back that he felt the same way. The weight that lifted off my shoulders was amazing.

We have plans to hang out on our days off, and we will see what happens. There is talk of going out on a date at some point, so I am nervous/excited for that. We are both looking forward to seeing where things go.

A Quick Question

I have a question for you dear and lovely readers.

Of my almost 9 years of material, what stuff do you enjoy reading the most? Particularly my erotica/fantasies, but anything counts I have everything between solo (masturbation stuff), partnered sex, threesomes, blowjobs, and girl on girl.

I am asking because I want to compile some of my best erotic pieces for someone to read that does not have access to this blog. I might share someday, and am quite tempted, but I am not ready to scare them off just yet.

The Good, the Conflict, and the Potential

I know that my updating has become quite sporadic, and I apologize. A combination of being busy (I have a social life now, believe it or not) and not much to say. I was paranoid about Andy finding my blog, though I don’t think he would have cared too much.

As of last night, Andy and I are no more. He is moving out of the area and neither of us wanted long distance. He doesn’t feel like it works, and I had been wanting to end things for a while anyways. For the most part I was happy, but the other part I was miserable.

Things became even more complicated when I started to develop feelings for one of my coworkers, now friend. I am pretty sure he likes me too, but we are both too shy to admit it. We are always complimenting each other, flirting, and dropping innuendos. Around him we can talk forever or sit in silence and we are both content enjoying each other’s company. With him, the hours feel like minutes and the minutes feel like seconds.

I find myself able to open up to Aaron (coworker crush) much more than I ever did with Andy. We also have loads more in common than I did with Andy. I am curious to see where we go. Will we friend zone each other, or are we on the path to a beautiful relationship? Only time will tell.

I have a lot of conflicting feelings about Andy, and I have for the last few months. On one hand I am excited to try for Aaron, but I am also sad to see Andy go. If things don’t work romantically with Aaron I am dreading having to go through the whole dating process over again. If things don’t work out, I am in no rush to meet someone new. I am just so sick of people I am close to moving away.

A Test of Sorts

The boyfriend is gone for nearly a month, and after this weekend he will be pretty much off the grid for almost 2 weeks. He is on his summer vacation, visiting family and friends down south. I miss him terribly, and it gets harder every day.

We still manage to at least say good morning, but after that he usually gets busy and either doesn’t talk again til late evening or the next morning. Some nights we were able to Skype and play video games, which is nice, but just not the same.

I have been kind of looking at his absence as a test for if/when he moves and whether or not we continue things as a long distance couple. At this point, I feel like I care more for him than he does for me, but that is probably my low self esteem talking. He has a hard time opening up, which also makes me wonder how he really feels about me.

Without knowing how he feels, or what he sees with me in the future, I don’t think I could do long distance. I really hate to say that, and I hate the idea of having to move on (again) and learn to know someone all over again (though sometimes that can be half the fun). I just don’t want anyone else.

Even with the lack of sex in our relationship that I am fairly unhappy about, I love everything else. I love him and really want to see where this goes. I have been trying to stay positive, but it gets harder each day that it gets closer to our possible doom.

Its two weeks into his month long absence and its killing me. I hate it. I miss his kiss, and our cuddles.

Meeting the Family

The week before last his graduation finally came up in conversation. I told him I fully intended to go, but I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to go. He said he would like me there. I asked if I would be able to meet his family coming up and all he said was maybe.

Two days before the graduation he made it sound like he didn’t care if I was there, and I probably wouldn’t meet the family. Then he said I could maybe meet his mom, just not the others. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt. For the most part I understood, but my low self confidence made it feel like it was me he didn’t want to introduce to them.

The day before on my way home from work I realized how heartbroken I really was in not being able to be involved in his graduation plans. I got the impression that even if I went to the ceremony I wouldn’t be able to see him at all. I was completely crushed at the idea of not being included on his big day. I admit that I started to get a little jealous of his family. I started to not feel that important to him, and eventually considered to not go at all. I knew if I didn’t go I would feel guilty . I also started crying at the idea of going and not being able to say hi. I felt like he was ashamed of me.

After a nearly sleepless night and sitting through my best friend’s graduation (there were several ceremonies that day) I texted him and asked if he wanted me there. He simply told me I could go. With lots of reservations, I made arrangements to get there. I picked a spot to enable myself to easily describe my location in a huge crown and texted him where I was. I started to cry, still under the assumption that I would not see him. I knew he was somewhere there, along with his family, and here I was alone trying to be supportive.

I had just wiped the last tears from my eyes, considering letting them start up again, when I realized someone was standing in front of me. With thoughts of annoyance at who was cutting in on what little privacy I had while I spilled my overreacting tears, I looked up to see him standing with a lady.

All thoughts of sadness escaped me as we hugged, kissed, and he introduced me to his mom. We shook hands and she asked me the obligatory questions any good mother would ask the chick her son is dating. Sadly it was a short visit since he had to go get ready with his graduating class. As she walked away, she told me how happy I made him.

From then on I felt much better about being there, and five minutes later I got a text thanking me for being there. After what seemed like ages, they finally called his name. About 20 minutes later I get the text I had been waiting forever for, asking if I wanted to join him and his family for dinner. He told me to meet him at his place and we would go from there.

I quickly got home and changed, making sure to put something on a little bit nicer. It was the moment I had been waiting for, and suddenly I was nervous. What if they didn’t like me?

It turned out that I had nothing to worry about. I met his mom, dad, stepmom, grandma, and several family friends. I fit in well. OUr dinner reservations were fairly late in the evening, so we ended up closing the restaurant. Eventually they started to plan breakfast and who was coming. His family was very insistent that I join.

I enjoyed getting to know them, and hope to see them again soon. I was glad that they seemed to like me.

Only Time Will Tell

As I said in several previous posts, the future of my current relationship is a complete waiting game. These least few weeks have been rough as school has kept him too busy for my liking. When we first met, one of the first things I asked him was if he planned to stay or leave after he graduated. He made it seem like he wanted to stay.

However, fairly early on in our relationship he made several comments about moving away. As we got closer to the end of school it has been something hanging over my head. We have started to talk about it several times, but both of us got too sad to really continue the conversation. I started to just assume he would leave right after.

The other night I started to get a different impression. He said he was going to do everything he could to stay, and would do so as long as possible. When discussing the dates he would be gone he mentioned cutting that time in half to stay in town with me.

I really hope he does stick around. I have been trying to stay positive whenever I started to dwell on the what ifs. Things are still in a huge waiting game, but at the moment they are starting to look more in my favor. Only time will Tell.

Masturbation Woes

My masturbation count has sky rocketed. A combination of a returned sex drive after a long bout of depression finally lifted and having new toys to play with thanks to product reviews, I have had a lot to come to. With May being Masturbation Month, I have been particularly inspired to try for an orgasm (or more) a day. The more I masturbate, the more I find my mood lifting, making me want to masturbate more, craving orgasms.

Each toy gives me a different type of orgasm. Yes, they are all clitoral, but they have different depths to them. Mimi gives me long orgasms that sometimes leave a little bit to be desired (perhaps a cock inside)? The Womanizer gives me hard and deep orgasms, getting stronger the longer I let them go on. The Touch takes a little longer, but the strong and steady orgasm makes it worth the wait. Every day I think about the orgasm I plan to have. I wonder what kind of orgasm  would feel best for that moment.

So far the post doesn’t sound very woeful, I know. Don’t worry, I am getting there. The stories I have  are quite funny now, but they weren’t in the moment. In the moment they were quite depressing; woeful in many ways.

The other night I was craving Mimi. She was feeling pretty good, and I thought she had a decent charge since her vibrations were still pretty strong. I finally found a porn that was getting me pretty excited, build up for a big orgasm. I crossed the point of no return and let myself come. Right when I let go and the orgasm took over Mimi stopped cold. My orgasm sputtered out like a dying engine in a car. I laid there in silence for a second, taking in what just happened. Mimi died from a low battery, as toys usually do.

This wasn’t my first dead battery, but it was my first dead battery mid orgasm. It felt pretty awful in all honesty, both physically and mentally. Mentally I was revved up and ready to go, physically because it actually hurt. All that build up in my cunt and no release. It was peeing only a little bit and having to hold the rest.

After I gathered myself I reached for the Womanizer. I was gonna have this orgasm, I had to. I got to work and it was feeling good, even on my still sensitive clit. I felt myself about to squirt so I turned it off to make myself hold back. I wasn’t in the mood to sleep in a wet spot. Once my body was calmed down I turned the Womanizer back on. I was feeling good, feeling really close.

At that moment My cat jumped on my bed and required my immediate attention. I turned off my toy so that I could give him the attention he deserves. He curled up in my arms and fell asleep. I waited for him to wake up and move down to my feet.

I apparently fell asleep too, because I woke up when it was daylight, glasses still on, tablet (for porn) asleep at my side, Womanizer on the sheets between my legs and the cat at my feet. I had a sense of de ja vu and then realized that is exactly how I woke up the week before. So two weeks in a row I fell asleep masturbating. At least I managed to turn the toy off both times, unlike my college days where I burned out many cheap bullets that way.

It’s Complicated

I never really understood the point in saying a relationship was complicated. I used to figure it either was a thing or it wasn’t; the feeling are or they aren’t. At least until I didn’t understand up until now.

Now I know it really can be complicated. It is not as easy as black and white. I am feeling like my relationship is drifting into complicated territory and I finally understand. I go from being really happy when I am with him, especially when we kiss, cuddle, and hold hands. However, when we are apart, I can’t help but feel slightly unhappy.

The unhappiness comes mostly from my lack of self confidence, but it also has to do with the lack of sexuality in our relationship. I have a very high sex drive and I am finding out that he does not. I used to think that his workload and stress was a huge factor, but now I can’t help but feel like it has to do with me. It wouldn’t be the first time.

I also can’t help but feel the inevitable approach. He will be graduating and potentially moving out of the area unless he miraculously gets a job in the area, Even then he might not stick around.

I fell in love with him, but I couldn’t get him to fall for me. Soon we are either going to have to step up our relationship prematurely or end it before it truly gets a chance to bloom. We have been talking for 7 months, and officially a couple for about 4. It feels too soon to have the talk about moving in with each other, but if he can’t get a job and does want to stay, one of us will have to move in. I have thought about it long and hard and am willing to support him financially if it comes down to it. I would love it if he stayed.

I don’t feel ready to move with him, if that is what he wants. I would be willing to go long distance, but if it ends before we get anywhere I feel like I might start resenting him. I would feel like I wasted a bunch of time twiddling my thumbs waiting for something to happen when it never does.

I have been trying really hard to think positively, but it is getting harder as what feels like the end comes near. Each day that passes my feelings get a little bit more complicated,