The Good, the Conflict, and the Potential

I know that my updating has become quite sporadic, and I apologize. A combination of being busy (I have a social life now, believe it or not) and not much to say. I was paranoid about Andy finding my blog, though I don’t think he would have cared too much.

As of last night, Andy and I are no more. He is moving out of the area and neither of us wanted long distance. He doesn’t feel like it works, and I had been wanting to end things for a while anyways. For the most part I was happy, but the other part I was miserable.

Things became even more complicated when I started to develop feelings for one of my coworkers, now friend. I am pretty sure he likes me too, but we are both too shy to admit it. We are always complimenting each other, flirting, and dropping innuendos. Around him we can talk forever or sit in silence and we are both content enjoying each other’s company. With him, the hours feel like minutes and the minutes feel like seconds.

I find myself able to open up to Aaron (coworker crush) much more than I ever did with Andy. We also have loads more in common than I did with Andy. I am curious to see where we go. Will we friend zone each other, or are we on the path to a beautiful relationship? Only time will tell.

I have a lot of conflicting feelings about Andy, and I have for the last few months. On one hand I am excited to try for Aaron, but I am also sad to see Andy go. If things don’t work romantically with Aaron I am dreading having to go through the whole dating process over again. If things don’t work out, I am in no rush to meet someone new. I am just so sick of people I am close to moving away.

The Guys (Part 2) – Rollercoaster

As I have said on Twitter and in my last post, things have been kind of an emotional rollercoaster for me. I have met more guys than I can count (both online and some eventually offline). Most of them aren’t worth giving a nickname on here, but the ones that lasted longer than others might be mentioned again later. Here I will attempt to give a breakdown on the ones that had the biggest impact on me.

Guy #1 – About early/mid July I responded to this guy’s CL post. He was the only post that I saw that I had stuff in common with and who didn’t seem completely shallow. He responded to my email within a few minutes, and we chatted all week. When we weren’t talking we were either sleeping of at work, and we worked the same hours. We stayed up way past our bedtimes talking each night, getting only a few hours of sleep before work in the end. I finally felt comfortable with him to exchange pictures. I didn’t hear from him ever again. That was the biggest blow ever to the self esteem.

Guy #2 – The weekend after guy #1 quit talking to me I made my own CL ad. I was sent a bunch of dick pics, but two responses stood out. One was an old classmate from my graduating class who hung out with the same group as I. We went on several dates and walks, but I got friend zoned pretty fast. I did write about him when i first happened and I felt like there was a lot of potential. We have plans to hang out again soon, but I see it as being strictly platonic from here unfortunately.

Guy #3 – This guy was the other response that stood out when I made my CL ad. I didn’t respond to him until late August/early September, since I wanted to focus on the old friend from high school. Luckily, he was still interested in talking and we talked up a storm. I started to fall for him pretty hard, as there were a lot of things I found sexy about him. First off being his southern accent (he had recently moved up here from the south), he was currently working as a ranch hand, and he knew exactly what to say to make me melt.

I will call him the Southern Boy, SB for short, and give him his own post in part 3. To be continued…

Update! Again. Ugh.

Ugh! I hate that I stopped writing, and have been feeling pretty miserable without doing it. I want to, I just haven’t had a lot to say, at least nothing sexy and fun.

-In September my blog turned 7 years old, I started in September 2008.

-I have went on several dates, with several different guys. One seemed really promising, but he decided to stop talking to me (as they all do). I promise to give the details on this one, as he was kind of an important factor in me starting to write again. To feel again even.

-J came back in early August. At first I was excited, then I couldn’t wait for him to go silent again. We hung out a couple times, and each time he would try and put some moves on me, but I would turn into a block of ice and ask him to stop. He did stop, but he made it awkward. I finally deleted him off Skype and have pretty much forgotten him. I plan to write a little bit more on this, I promise.

-I am still talking to a different guy. He is pretty sweet, but there is a bit of distance. We have met twice though when he came to tow to visit his brother. There *might* be potential.

I have went back into dark days again. I have been pretty ashamed of my body. My sex drive went completely MIA for several months. I believe its coming back though, because I have went from masturbating once every two or three weeks to three or four times a week.

I haven’t had sex since January, and I am actually pretty ok with that. I miss intimacy, but I can’t imagine anyone being attracted to this *points at self.* Yeah, my self esteem has been pretty shot.

On a happier note, I went from temporary in the office at work to permanent, and the atmosphere is a lot better.

In a nutshell, life has been a roller coaster and I have used video games to escape it. I am going to work on playing less games and doing more writing. I want to get back into my old habits of having a post up every day, if not at least once every few days.

 

Reconnecting

Its dark days when I post on Craigslist, which is exactly what I did this last weekend. I was fed up and lonely, so I decided to take a shot, mostly to renew my happy feelings of not dating and worrying about it. All I got were creeps responding, some even sending a few dick pics. I felt like no one was reading my post.

As I was considering taking it down, I get an email notification on my phone flashing the name of a guy I went to high school with. He was the most awkward and closed off guy in my graduating class. I had always had a crush on him just because he was mysterious, quiet, and shy. I wanted what I (or anyone else for that matter) could have.

I was in shock as I opened the email, scrolling between picture and text. It was defintiely him, and he seemed a lot different. I emailed him back, though sort of hesitant because I wasn’t sure how he felt about me in high school. I was pleasantly surprised to see that he was happy to get back in touch.

We immediately added each other to Skype and caught up on everything that has happened in the last 9 years. We made plans to meet the next day (as I was going to be in his area of town anyways, which is about 30-45 minutes depending on traffic).

I was excited and nervous. I felt more confident than the usual first dates, since we already knew each other, but at the same time I was worried since I had gained a lot of weight since high school.

I messaged him when I was heading to Starbucks (our chosen meeting spot). I wasn’t waiting long before he showed up and we recognized each other easily. He sat at my table and took out our senior year book. As I flipped through it we pointed out people we remembered, both friends and bullies. I caught him up on the people we hung out with back then, since I still hang out with half of them weekly.

We sat there chatting for an hour or so, then got in my car and I drove us to the river walk area. We got out and started walking the main road before he saw a trail and wanted to explore. It was a great workout, but it sure was rough on my feet (foot issues are part of the reason I had to take a desk job). After coming back from the trail, we sat on the benches that overlooked the setting sun over the river and just talked.

Sadly it ended all too soon (and I was too chicken shit to get a hug). I drove him home, then went home myself. It was really nice to reconnect, especially with a whole new person. There is definitely a potential there for more, but neither of us are looking for it. Ha, I certainly wouldn’t mind though. 😉

For the record though, my CL ad went down today. I think I found what I am looking for, at least this time around.

Just Can’t Shake The Paranoia

Saturday night I was feeling kind of lonely. I just wanted to make a friend, so I did what I usually do. I went to Craigslist, MfW pages. I found an ad that appealed to me. It sounded like we had tons in common and he didn’t have an specifications on what he was looking for.

I messaged him, and he have been talking ever since. We really did have tons in common and more. The only time we stopped emailing, texting, and chatting was during work and sleep hours, which were the same for both of us.

Last night we had our first phone conversation. We chatted for 3 hours and 42 minutes. I felt comfortable with him. Comfortable enough to where I sent a face pic. He sent one back.

We said our goodnights and I texted him on break. He had done a complete 180. He is not as chatty, doesn’t send emotes like he used to etc. Coincidentally, I felt an impending sense of doom before I even talked to him.

Now, I would like to think that the reason he is not as chatty is because we are both exhausted from only getting a few hours of sleep. Honestly, I am not that chatty either, but more because I have a huge sense of dread that the fun is over before I even meet the guy.

I just can’t help but feel paranoid that he was over it when he saw my picture.

I Love Your Feedback!

Seriously readers. If you like what I write, I would love to hear about it. Whether you comment, or send me an email. If you want to give me suggestions on things to write, or want to know something, anything, just ask. I will probably answer.

I write for both of us, you and me. I write for me so that I have something to look back on, but I am even more motivated to write when I know you are reading. I want to give you something for entertainment, advice, someone to relate to, etc.

I have made some really good friends through this place, and I would love to be your friend too.

So, lurkers, come out, if you will. I would love to hear from you. I won’t bite (unless you want me to. 😉

Life Got in the Way

I was doing so good about having an update every day from the time I came back to blogging in early January til the other day. Now that my streak has broken, I feel less motivated to find something, anything, to write about. I am actually considering changing the days I post from every day to maybe three or four times a week. I was considering Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday, possibly even a day in between. Sunday and Tuesday are meant for meme days, and the other days can be an actual post. If I don’t stay regular I won’t keep writing. 

I texted Ginger Tuesday telling him what days I have off now, but never heard anything back. A couple days later I saw him online and asked if he got my text. He did, and invited me over for this Saturday. I have no idea what we will do. It could lead to dinner, it might not.

So, another reason my regular posting is having a small hiccuping fit is because I started waking up at 4:30 in the morning to go with a friend to the gym at 5. After the gym I go to work and by the time I get home I just have no energy to do anything but crawl in bed and crash. This was the first week, but I am finding myself having a tiny bit more energy than before. Hopefully I will pick back up to posting every day. 

Anyways, I have a few post it dead on n mind, so hopefully I will have the time and right frame of mind to write them. One of them is kind of hard to write, as it stirs up a lot of old memories and feelings. Obviously, I will also write about my visit with Ginger tomorrow. Goodnight. I am off to mastubate. 

Looking Back

One thing I have enjoyed about having my own domain are the WordPress plugins. I have not yet been able to find all that I am looking for, but one of my favorites is the one that picks a random post (with customizable settings) and links it one Twitter every four hours (at my chosen time).

I have really enjoyed looking back, remembering old experiences, past crushes and loves, and sometimes even funny stories. I liked seeing how my writing style has evolved over the 6 plus years off and on this blog has been up.

I am planning on elaborating on how my writing has changed, but for now I wanted to give a quick update before I pass out and encourage you to check out my Twitter for some random reads. My Twitter link is in the sidebar.

Ramblings

Just a quick post, mostly to put the basis of my thoughts down for when I have time to write something more detailed and profound. Also to keep up with my steady posting streak.

I couldn’t sleep the other night. I got maybe 3 hours. I tossed and turned, staring at the clock, feeling more and more angry as time slipped by that I was still awake. My mind just wouldn’t stop. It was also probably due to the fact that it was my first night off the NyQuil in a week because I remembered it to late.

I thought about what I could be writing, which unfortunately those thoughts are long slipped away. I mostly started feeling lonely though. I was wishing at that moment that I had someone to share my day with, someone to lean on while being sick.

I think these thoughts mostly came was because the last time I laid awake all night it was with a guy I was dating. We stayed up all night talking because he couldn’t sleep in my bed.

I saw D on Sunday. We chatted after he brought over a mix cd he made for me. It was nice to see him and chat. He didn’t stay long because I was sick, and obviously we didn’t have sex. I still have mixed feelings on that. He hasn’t heard from her and doesn’t expect to. When I was at the doctors last week for a breathing treatment I had them do an STD testing panel. Everything looked clean they said. I knew it was, but it was nice to get that reassurance.

I am thinking of making a day trip this weekend and meeting that guy I mentioned a few weeks ago. I would like to get out of town and I need a new swimsuit and can’t find any in my size here. I also might look for some jeans, as i only have sweats and work pants that fit, and work pants are too expensive to wear outside of work. We shall see what the weather and finances say.

Hopefully I will have something less random tomorrow night.