The Ex List (Ex #1)

I have only had four boyfriends. Three I dated in person, the fourth was online. I think the one I learned the most from was my online relationship. The longest relationship however was the one I just got out of. I decided I should write about them, and since there is so much to each one, I will make one post per ex. How does that sound?

My first boyfriend I met through a friend in Study Hall my sophomore year. I was asking pretty much everyone I knew to go to the Homecoming dance with me, and they all had said no. When I asked my friend in Study Hall, he said no as well, but said he had  a friend who had got turned down as many times as I had. I gave him my number, and that night the said friend called me.

We talked for four hours, until I had to go to bed. For the first bit of our conversation we just made small talk, asking about each other. Soon after though, he asked me to the dance. Of course I said yes. Then he asked me if I wanted to go as friends or a date. I was so desperate for someone that I chose to be his date. As soon as I said that, he asked if I would be his girlfriend. Wow, fast mover, but I didn’t think anything of it because of my desperateness.

We agreed to meet the next day in front of my class after the Homecoming assembly got out. I arrived to the designated meeting spot first, and soon after he joined me. He was tall, at least a foot taller than me. I was only 5’2” (as I have been since I was 10), and he was 6’3.” We made awkward conversation for a little bit, but we had to get to class in a minute. So we hugged goodbye and agreed to meet by his class at the end of the day.

I got out of my last class of the day and rushed to his classroom to meet him. When he came out we hugged and started walking side by side, and he held my hand. My heart skipped, as I had never had a guy hold my hand before. We walked together down the hall, our friends waving at us, saying we were cute together. We went to the front of the main entrance hall and sat on a bench, still holding hands.

I was feeling pretty nervous, my feet twitching from inside my shoes, my legs shaking. He took his free hand and set it on my knee, smiling at me and telling me I didn’t have to be scared. We sat looking into each other’s eyes, smiling. Before I knew it, he started to lean in. Instinctively, I leaned back, but just as quick, I moved forward. Our noses bumped, we each tilted our heads slightly, and our lips touched for a fraction of a second. That was my first kiss.

His dad picked us up and dropped me off at home. When I got back into my room I felt so twitterpated. I mean, a boy just kissed me. I had imagined that day for so many years and it finally happened. That guy was my first boyfriend. I didn’t tell my mom, and for all she knew, we were just friends going to a dance together. I don’t know why I never told my mom. I guess I was just worried I would have less freedom, or I wouldn’t look as innocent anymore. Who knows what my fifteen year old mind was thinking.

The next day was Friday. That night him and his dad picked me up and dropped us off at the movies. We both were dying to see School of Rock. We get into the theater, and first thing he does is try and stick his tongue down my throat. I swear, that was the biggest turn off ever. I said no quietly, without much authority and he asked me if I didn’t like him. Well, because I was so afraid of losing the boyfriend I just got, I said yes I liked him, and he continued sucking my face. Honestly, I think this is why I am not much of a fan of heavy make out sessions. Just because I had such a bad, sloppy, and bad tasting experience. After the movie, his dad picked us up and dropped me off.

The next day was Homecoming. My neighbor did my make up, and I wore my graduation dress from 8th grade. Once again, he and his dad picked me up, and dropped us off at the high school. I swear, that boy could not keep his hands off of me. I wanted to tell him he was going too fast for me, but I didn’t want to upset him.

We danced some dirty dances, made out (and had the chaperones come up and tell us to knock it off a few times), and then he took me to a secluded area and proceeded to feel me up. I let him do it of course, telling him once to stop, but he never listened.

The next day we talked on the phone all morning, and then he had his dad pick me up to go to his house. Surprisingly, my mom let me go. We got to his house, I got the grand tour, and first thing he went for was my mouth, again. We made out in the basement a bunch, and every time we would hug he would hint that he had a boner. I backed off every time.
Finally, it was time to go. I don’t think I ever wanted out of a house so bad in my life. His dad took us to dinner, and then dropped me off afterwards. I got home, did laundry, and we talked on the phone for a while.

The next morning I felt like something was wrong. When I got to school, he came over to greet me with a hug, but only a peck of a kiss. After school, he walked me to the bus, we hugged and kissed goodbye. When I got home I waited for him to call, but he never did. Finally I called him, and said that I had a math test so we would have the same lunch period. All he said was “oh.” I asked him if he wanted to sit with me, but “he wasn’t sure.” Then came the dreaded words anyone hates to ask: “Are you breaking up with me?” His answer: “Yeah, I think its best.”

What a prick. Oh well. I was heartbroken at the time. However, now I am kind of glad he did because it definitely wasn’t meant to be. I heard a lot of excuses over the next few weeks on why he broke up with me. My favorite one was where “someone said I made a hit list and threatened a bunch of people and that I was stalking him.” That’s the biggest crock of shit I ever heard.

We still talk every now and then. He normally only wants to talk when he’s horny and wants to cyber. He also gets very interested in me whenever he hears that I am single again. I am not very fond of talking to him anymore. Every time we do talk he gets all depressing and makes himself sound suicidal, and that his life is ruined and a waste. Every time I try to say something encouraging, he shuts me down. I gave up.

Friends

Growing up I made and lost a lot of friends. Some I lost because of school changes, some because we just drifted apart, or others for reasons I don’t know. Over this time, I noticed a pattern of getting very close to these people, becoming the best of friends, and then somehow the friendship dies.

In first grade, we had a new girl in class. We became automatic best friends. We were inseparable, where one of us was, so was the other. We had sleepovers every weekend, and during one spring vacation week off she stayed over the whole time. We did get sick of each other by the end of break, but when the next Monday rolled around, we were back to being best of buds.

In fourth grade I switched schools, and we lost contact. Her phone got disconnected and I never had a way to reach her, and neither of us had emails. Ironically, when I went back to my old school that she was at, she had transferred to the school I left.

I didn’t really make any other close friends until 7th grade. She would always come over and we would get ready for school dances together, make fun of the girl in class with the hugest tits by stuffing socks into our bras. When we had sleepovers we had this game we played when we went to bed where we would take turns playing each other’s crushes, making up scenarios on how we “managed to be able to stay at our crushes house.” I think her and I had the best connection when it came to talking about stuff outside of the norm.

In 9th grade, I moved half way across the country. We called each other about once a week, but by the second year of me being away, ironically right before I moved back to my hometown, we lost touch. She had newer friends, with more in common. However, while I was living half way across the country, I got into contact with a boy from my elementary school.

Growing up we never really talked or hung out. We were both the outsiders, and would get bullied by this one kid in our class, so we thought we could minimize getting picked on by not talking. We really started to talk when I called him on his birthday one year. After that we called each other at least once every week or two. One day we exchanged one of those surveys over email, and one of the questions asked was he would ever go out with me. He answered yes, and that’s when I thought I really had a crush on him.

When I moved back to my hometown, we became the best of friends. We had tons in common, went everywhere together, and our parents (whom were both very strict), let us do whatever we wanted, no curfew because we were trusted so much. We never did anything, only hugged a few times. I had the biggest crush on him by this time. I always wanted to tell him, but never found the right time, place or words. I think that was for the best.

In October of my senior year, I got an email from him. It said that he didn’t want to be friends anymore and to never talk to him again. I was crushed, but my other friends (not as close at the time), really helped pull me through. That is when I became very close to a girl that was a grade below me. We had a sleepover one night, and we confessed all our secrets to each other. It was an instant connection. There were others in our group, and while we were all still in high school, where one of us was, so was the rest.

After I graduated, we all seemed to slowly drift apart. After the rest of them graduated, we really started to drift. Some of us started college, some went to work, some enlisted into the military, and others got into some trouble.

I think that because I have had such a bad track record in keeping friends, I have the hardest time letting go to the people I have in my life. I always had the pattern of making a really close friend, and then one day I come to realize that we drifted apart, went our own ways, or just plain broke each other’s hearts. This is why I think I have such horrible attachment issues. I want to hold on, never let them go, but spend as much time with them as I can before they someday leave my life.

Booty Call (Fantasy)

I am so horny right now, and I feel like it’s his fault. He said he would pleasure me when I was ready, since I didn’t feel just right the night I blew him. Well, right now I am seriously thinking about making that booty call. One reason I haven’t though is because I know he’s busy, getting ready to leave and all.

You see, I have been masturbating like crazy, trying to get it out of my system, but it’s just not working. Yeah, I cum at the end, but only after taking forever in rubbing my clit, thrusting my dildo in and out of my dripping wet pussy.

I keep having this fantasy of him coming over, and telling me he wanted to see me use my toys. I strip, and get on the bed. I take my vibrator and run it all over my clit. I then take my other hand and hand him my favorite glass wand. I ask him to fuck me with it. He does, hard and fast.

I never thought I could want him this bad. I mean, our friendship was never anything sexual, though we did talk a lot about sex. The last time I can see him before he goes is Thursday, where he tells me goodbye. Hopefully it will be more than just a few minutes of goodbyes. My mom said he could stay over, so I think I will ask him to when he comes back over.

If he does, I will ask him to fuck me with my dildo, while I rub my clit. Hell, I kind of want him to rub my clit too. I want to have him try it without toys first, using only his hands.  Before he sticks the dildo in I want him to put a finger inside my dripping wet pussy, maybe even two fingers. I want him to take my pussy juices and rub them over my clit, making my vulva nice and wet all over.

Finally, I want him to stick that dildo in, and slowly thrust it in and out, getting faster and harder until I can’t take it anymore. He will rub my clit fast, up and down, and in circles. I am so close to cumming and I tell him. He stops, and takes my vibrator, and turns it on. He places it on my clit, rubbing it all around.

This will send me over the edge, making me cum harder and faster than I ever have in my whole life. Because he did such a good job, and I feel so much satisfied, I will reward him with a nice cock sucking.

I will do everything I did last time, but adding in a few more techniques. Before I go down on him, I will tickle and tease his nipples with my tongue. I will slowly kiss his chest all over, slowly moving my way up to have our lips meet. His kiss will be as passionate as I imagined. He will take his arms and wrap them around me, moving his hand up my shirt to cup my left breast. He will squeeze and rub my nipple, making it hard. Then he will switch to my other breast and nipple. I will slowly move my hands down his back, running my nails down, giving him chills.

I move my hand farther down, and rest my hand firmly on his throbbing jeans. He undoes his belt buckle and wiggles out of his pants, letting his cock spring free into my waiting hand. I gently squeeze and loosen my grip, moving my hand up and down in the motions of jerking his hard, throbbing penis. I will take my free hand and cup his balls, softly massaging them in my hand. He runs his fingers through my hair, down my back. I tell him he is the only one that can do that without tickling me. He smiles, and I smile back. We kiss, sweetly, softly, passionately. He takes a free hand and cups my cheek.

Slowly, I go down. I lick his balls, and then slowly start to suck on each side, tickling them with my tongue. Next, I move my tongue up his balls, and up his shaft, swirling it like a lollipop. I put my mouth over the head of his cock and suck, running my tongue around the tip. I put his cock further in my mouth and start to suck.
I bob my head up and down, massaging his balls with one hand, jacking his lower cock with the other, while my mouth and tongue stimulates the head. He tells me not to stop, to keep going. I work faster, moving my tongue all over, using it to explore his erect cock.

Finally, after being so worked up from fucking me with my dildo, he will cum in my mouth again. I will swallow. He is the only guy I never hesitated on swallowing. I mean, I swallowed for the first guy I ever sucked off, but only because I thought I had to. The next guy had the worst tasting cum, and I had to spit it out. This guy however seems just right. Swallowing for me definitely depends on taste, and consistency as well, but certainly not as much as taste.

We fall asleep in each other’s arms, as we say goodbye one last time before he leaves. I am going to miss him. I wish him good luck for what he is about to do.

Nipples

I am jealous of anyone who has any fair amount of sensitivity in their nipples. Because, for me, I have little to no feeling at all in them. Someone has to suck as hard as one can suck to make me feel the slightest hint of sensation. And biting does nothing for me. Its horrible. Someone will do something with my nipple, and they show me what they did using my arm and it hurt. So why can’t I feel my nipples?

This is why I have been thinking lately about getting them pierced. One of two things could happen if I do this. Piercings could totally reverse my problem, making them super sensitive, or I could lose any feeling at all, in that case it won’t really matter.

I talked to someone close to me who has had them pierced a few times, and she said that basically they are cute but a pain in the ass. That is kind of discouraging, because seriously, who do I have to show off to? I mean, I don’t want them to be visible and completely obvious to the unknowing eye.

However, just because I am really not sensitive on my nipples, doesn’t mean I don’t like stimulation attempted. I will catch myself playing with them unknowingly. Pinching them, pulling on them, rolling them. It does nothing for me, but I still do it. I like to have someone suck on them, feel them all over, like they are trying to tune into a really good radio station with a bad connection.

I like to play with other people’s nipples. I like to suck on them, gently bite them, run my tongue all around them. I like this done to me, but it just has to be a bit rougher. Surprisingly, putting a vibrator to them doesn’t do anything for me. However, just possibly, that does not mean someone else putting a vibrator to them wouldn’t do anything. I have never really had anyone try.

So anyways, I would love for anyone’s advice on nipple piercing. Is it normal to have such insensitive nipples? Could piercing turn everything around?

Afterwards

After he came, and when I laid back down, he told me how awesome I was. He said that my blow job was “honestly the best one” he had ever had. He said he didn’t know if I did it on purpose or not, but he loved that I kept him from cumming multiple times just by changing one little thing, making it last longer.

I keep on thinking to myself “wow, I sucked him off. Really? Wow.” I was feeling pretty good. At least I was until I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to run my fingers down his bare back, suck on his ear lobe, suck on his neck, bite it a little. I wanted to feel his arms wrapped around me, holding me all night, kissing my back.

This is what I mean by attachment issues. I get clingy after I get intimate with a guy. I get all sentimental and emotional. I kept thinking how much it sucks that he is leaving soon. I kept on thinking how he was the first guy that was able to run his hands all over without me breaking out into a fit of giggles. The only one that can give me chills instead of those damn giggles.

But you know, without my emotional issues, I was glad I did it. I was kinda craving cock, and wanted something to do with someone I trust. I trust this guy so much, since we know each other so well, that I would probably be able to let him be my first, if it ever came down to it.

In the morning, half asleep, he accidentally took my cell and his when he left. Later that evening he came by to bring my phone back. I was like awesome, I can hang out and talk to him some more. I really needed to. But, knowing my luck, he was in a hurry and had to go see his other best friend before he takes off. I felt really bummed.

Oh well, we talked about how it was possible that this would happen. Or maybe I am just being paranoid. When he sees me now he hugs me tighter than he ever has. And he said he would probably want me to blow him at least once before he leaves. It would be my pleasure. Maybe I will even let him take care of me.

Speaking of taking care of my needs, when I got home that afternoon, no one was home, and I was hornier than hell. In no time I had my bullet ready and glass wand at hand, pants off. I quickly got to work, and oh, it felt so damn good. But damn it to hell, there was something missing I felt. I finally felt so out of it that I turned my vibe off to think about what was wrong.

Then it hit me. For once I wanted to let someone please me, not just me please myself. I kept thinking how he owes me a booty call for taking care of him the night before, and then I was turned on again. Of course, within a few seconds of thinking of him doing things to me, to my body, I came hard and fast. And for the first time in a long time, I came twice. It had been a long time since I had a multiple orgasm.

A couple days after I wrote those words above, it all only feels half true. I write this now, two nights after it all happened, and I feel paranoid as hell. I called him today, knowing I needed to talk to him, but of course he was tired and was going straight home after work to sleep and wasn’t planning on going out. That’s when I think I started to panic. I almost felt like a used cheap whore.

I mean, I told him I had attachment issues, but he totally coaxed me into doing it. I felt like since he knew all my weaknesses, being one of my best friends and knowing everything about me, he used them against me. I feel so confused. One minute I was proud that I was good and he said it, and the next I feel used. Before I was on a total power trip, completely in control of everything, and now I feel like the lowest, smallest, and weakest person on earth.

Still, I keep trying to remind myself that I liked doing it, that if I hadn’t I would be typing about the “what ifs” instead of the “confusion” of it all. There are so many things that could be making me feel as confused as I am, as paranoid as I feel.
Number one, I have attachment issues. I told him that, and I don’t think I will feel better until I talk to him, if I get to talk to him. Number two reason could be that in our whole talk before the crazy events was that he said he couldn’t date me now, since he was leaving, but there was always the possibility of after, when we have both matured more. Him saying that planted that little seed of hope. Us doing what we did watered that seed, making it grow into what I think is the beginning of attachment.

That scares me. I don’t need this. This is why even though I always wanted a friend with benefits, I never thought I could have one, because I would be afraid of getting attached. I am a lot calmer than I was earlier this afternoon. Forbidden Fruit Guy kept asking what was wrong. I couldn’t tell him. He would know who it was. I wanted someone to talk to though. I needed to talk, but I had no one to turn to, and the guy this is about was unavailable. That figures. I don’t think he understood how much I needed to talk.

I know we had both decided that we wouldn’t tell anyone that it happened, but I was going crazy in my mind. I decided to message one of my friends that I know very well, they know me very well, and the guy I blew and  the person I decided to talk to have never heard of each other. They really helped. I won’t say what we talked about, but they really knocked some sense into me.

Oh, and I have the perfect song for my situation, that I definitely dedicate to my friend that I blew. “Head Over Heels” by Alanis Morrissette. I never really cared for her music much when I was younger, but I now have a few songs I love. This is one. I can’t seem to stop listening to it.

Oh well. I am moving on for now. Things are not sitting as heavily on my mind as heavily as they used to, and I have stopped trying to over think things. I feel so much better, so much calmer, more relaxed. I am ready to let things happen as they happen. But through all my tormenting drama, no regrets, and possibly second chances. If not, this is all a learning experience.

Unexpected Irony Pt. 2

Slowly I bent my head down, my left hand holding his shaft. My tongue circled and teased his tip, flicking and licking. I slid my mouth down a bit further, only letting the head be inside my mouth. I sucked.

He then suggested I use the flavored lube I was earlier complaining about having, but no one to use it on. I chose the cherry vanilla, my favorite. It was pretty dark, so I got a little in my hand (normally I like to make guys squirm by slowly dripping the lube onto their cock) and rubbed the lube all over his hard cock.

Again, I lowered my mouth onto his cock, licking his shaft, using my tongue to tickle and tease. I took the lower part of his shaft and slapped the upper part against my tongue a few times. Then I got to work, bobbing my mouth up and down his long shaft.

I kept this up for a while. He would tell me he’s close, but my rhythm would change accidentally, but apparently he ended up liking that a lot. As I worked my mouth and tongue all over his cock. I got really hot, hotter than I was when he asked me to suck him off, when he wrapped his muscular arm around my waist and grabbed onto my ass.

I continued to suck, and eventually he started playing with his balls. Finally, I hit the sweet spot. Within seconds he was shooting his hot liquid into my mouth. I swallowed for him. Easy clean up and it didn’t taste too bad.

I really got turned on by this, but I was too shy to let him pleasure me. At least not that night, since I wasn’t able to take my shower. There is just something so thrilling about sucking your best friend off, someone whom you never pictured that happening with, especially from the talk we had not even three hours before. I have e only given blowjobs to three guys, him being the third. Honestly, I was more into giving him one than the other guys I did it for.

Maybe it was my curiosity, maybe it’s the fact that he’s one of my best friends and I can trust him with anything and we know each other inside out. It could also be that the idea of being caught, or knowing I had control and I could do anything I wanted to him, and him to me. I don’t know why giving him a blowjob was so much better than anyone else I have ever had oral with, but whatever it was hot, and I honestly hope I can do it again for him before he leaves.

Unexpected Irony Pt. 1

The other day I went to the mall with forbidden fruit guy. We went to Borders, walked around, then went to Spencer’s to check out their sex section in the back. We found a book that had a sexual position for each day of the year. We thought it would be funny to take some pictures of a few unique positions and send them to a friend of mine.

Later we called that friend, but they were driving, and would love to hang out after a shower and would call me back. I warned them that they needed to call me before 6:30 P.M. because if they didn’t I would have to get on the bus. They repeated that they would call me back, so I assumed that meant I should take the bus because they “never” call back.

Ironically, after I paid the $1.50 fare, found a seat, the bus pulled away from the mall. After about 5 minutes of being on this bus, my phone rings. It’s the friend that I figured wouldn’t be calling back. They said they definitely wanted to hang out, and would pick me up at the next stop.

I got off the bus and after a few minutes, they pulled up. The bus stop happened to be at the movies, so we decided to go see what was playing. We decided to go see “Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist” that was starting in a half hour. In the mean time we went and grabbed a bite to eat. The movie was cute, funny, and stupid all at the same time. We loved it.
Afterwards he drove me home, and on the way we had our usual conversations of how we always joke around, masturbation, sex, everything. I can tell this guy anything, go to him for advice on anything, and him for me.

We got to my house, it was after 9, but we hadn’t finished our conversation. By this time we were talking about why we couldn’t do anything sexual with each other, date, etc. We decided we are too good of friends, he respects me too much to go for me just for sexual favors, and the fact that he is about to leave for five years for the marines. I totally understood and agreed.

We got inside, went back to my room, and we talked more. I don’t think we have ever talked this much. I mean, we have had deep discussions like this before, but never this long, and never about the possibility about us possibly doing stuff in the future as a couple, fuck buddy, or whatever happens. I showed him a few of my new toys and a few of the blogs I thought he should read. Before we knew it, it was after 11:30 and we both had to get up early.

Honestly, I didn’t want him to leave. I enjoy talking with him, and he is the only guy my mom will probably allow to stay the night, sleep in my bed with me, and have the door shut all at the same time. So, I asked him if he wanted to just stay over. He hesitated for a second, but then said “Yeah, sure, why not?” Awesome. My mom was just going to bed and so before she went to sleep I told her he was gonna stay. She said she didn’t care.

So, by this time, he’s already in bed, ready to go to sleep, but I have to go get into my pajamas and brush my teeth. When I got back he asked me to please shut the door. That’s fine, whatever, I just thought that the night light in the kitchen was bothering him. Apparently, that was not the case.

Him: You know, I was totally ready to fall asleep, but as soon as I got into your bed I got really horny.

Me: (Nervous giggle) Really now?

Him: Yes. It seems that every time I close my eyes I picture you blowing me. And I am like, what the hell?

Me: (Nervous giggle) What do you think caused this reaction? I mean, we talked about this tonight ironically. We agreed that we shouldn’t do anything sexual.

Him: I know, that’s why I keep asking myself ‘what the hell?’ I mean, I would love it if you would blow me right now.

Me: (silence, followed by another nervous giggle).

Him: No, seriously, I am asking you to blow me. I mean, if you are ok with it. I know I won’t regret it, and you can start, but if you feel uncomfortable you can tell me and stop. Plus, I know that after a little time has passed, I will be horny again and I can take care of your needs.

Me: Yeah that would be nice, but you know I have never gotten off without a vibe. Ha, you know, before we decided you would stay the night, I had 100% intentions of taking my shower and getting into bed and masturbating. Now I feel even more frustrated.

So, this goes on for a little bit, he sounds like he’s half begging me, half coaxing me. Of course the only thing stopping me at this point is that my mom is in the other room and I have never done anything with her in the house. I keep cursing this situation, muttering under my breath. I mean, I can make innuendos all day long with only  a hint of seriousness, I can write what I want to do to a guy and make him read it, I can show him my toys, I can screw around online all the time, but I am the worst at making on the spot decisions.

Of course he has to remind me of my most recent post about how I would look back at things and wish I had done more. He asked me what I wanted to do. Damn it! He was right, and totally playing one my weaknesses. I ended up giving him all the reasons why I wanted to suck his cock and why I was hesitant. I definitely didn’t want to say no, but I was afraid to say yes. I knew I wanted to, and he knew it too. He started running his hand up and down my arm, with a little bit of finger nails. He is the first guy to have done that and I only get chills, not tickled. That really turned me on even more.

He took my hand, and started rubbing it. Next he put my hand on his cock. That sent me over the edge. He took off his pants, and I started jacking it a little. Finally, I went down on him.

To be continued…

Accomplished

Yesterday afternoon I was feeling exceptionally frisky. I was thinking about how much I wanted to be able to use my rabbit vibrator, but it was always too big. I know that over the past few months I have been using glass wands inside me, each one about ¼ of an inch bigger than the one before. So I was thinking that my rabbit is only ½ of an inch bigger than my biggest glass one.

The more I thought about it, the more I wanted it. I knew no one would be home for at least another three hours, so that made me want it anymore. The people I was talking to online ran out of things to talk about with me, so they quit talking. It was the perfect opportunity, and I went for it.

I got up from my chair and pulled out my rabbit and its batteries and put them in. Just in case I took out my glass wand and bullet and put the batteries in that as well.

I quickly got out of my pants and got into bed. I lubed up the rabbit and put it in. No pain what so ever. It was awesome and very encouraging. I turned it on with very high hopes of getting off with it.

Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. Although the rabbit part of the vibrator felt amazing pressed against my clit, It just wasn’t enough. Plus the shaft of the insertable vibe felt kind of awkward as it went around, making thrusting it in and out a little uncomfortable. However, the popping beads inside felt pretty damn good inside.

After about five minutes I felt like I was getting nowhere, except getting even more horny and frustrated. Time to get the glass and bullet out. And thankfully they were laying beside me, ready for a time like this.

I took out the rabbit and turned it off, just to replace it with the bullet and the glass wand. Within three minutes I was close to cumming. I had been thinking about how it would feel like to have my finger inside while I came, as heard it felt kinda cool. So, in the mood for new stuff, I got closer to orgasm and took out the glass to replace it with my finger. After a few seconds I felt my pussy get really hot and even wetter, clamping down on my finger and contracting. It felt pretty damn awesome, but I wish my finger was longer, as I could only get it in about an inch. I am a pretty short person, only about 5’2,” and so the position I was in was a little awkward to get my short fingers in too far.

Oh well, I don’t care. It still felt awesome. I feel pretty happy, to know that I can use something thicker. I feel more full inside when its inside. Also feeling my pussy clamp and contract onto my finger like that made me even more excited, which made me cum even harder. Anyone know any positions I could try to get more finger in without feeling too awkward or being too flexible?

One Chance (One More Time)

There have been many times in my life where I had only one chance to do something, and if I could, many of those opportunities I wish I could redo, or have more time with that one chance. But with all of those, I certainly do not wish to take anything back. If anything, I would wish it had happened today, where I had more experience, and was ready for whatever the outcome would be. I hope that makes sense.

For example, if I could go back in time, wish I could redo the weekend where I had the chance to make out with this guy I liked. Yes, we did make out, but I wish it had happened when I had more experience, or when I didn’t feel so shy. I probably could have learned a lot. The only thing I really learned from him was that not all guys suck at kissing, but guys can be real dicks too. That was an interesting experience, and I think I plan on sharing that for a later entry.

As another example, I wish I had one more chance with my bi friend. If I hadn’t been so self conscious, I would have been able to explore my sexuality more. I already said in the entry Experimentation what I would have done differently. Like I said at the beginning of this post, if only I had one more chance, one last time.

However, I think the biggest thing that is eating at me right now is the fact that I wish I had more time with the guy I “experimented” with a couple of weeks ago. Don’t get me wrong, we did nothing too serious, but I still wish I had done some things differently at the time I had the chance with him.

Pretty much what happened is this: we were standing alone outside, away from everyone, and he asked me if I wanted to touch his cock. Now this wasn’t as random as it sounds. A few nights before we were cybering on instant messenger, and the night after that we actually cybered while masturbating together on webcams. He knew I wanted to do stuff in person, and this was his way of testing me to see how far I would go.

I think if I had known that it would most likely be my only chance to fool around with him in person, I would have been more open. Yeah, I did put my hand on his dick, but only after ten minutes of him coaxing me to do so, and then him finally just taking my hand and putting it on his hard cock. My hand rested on it for about a second until I jerked it away. This went on for about another five minutes, and eventually I was placing my hand on and off his cock, reaching inside his pants, feeling his precum drip, and jerking him off between feels. Unfortunately I had to leave or miss my ride home, so he walked me to my friend’s car.

A lot of guilt had been going through me that day. I was feeling vulnerable, scared, emotional. It was just recently that I had broken up with my boyfriend of almost seven months. I kind of think he was feeding off of my emotions now, that he was using me. Oh well, like I said, guys can be dicks.

Anyways, the point is, I was scared at the time this was happening, I was confused. If my one chance had been today, or I had more time to fool around or think about it, I probably would have been less shy. Every time I am around him I get so incredibly horny. In the few days that I knew him I learned to associate him with everything sexual, by how we started talking, messing around on webcams, and that one day that I wouldn’t take back, but I would certainly redo it. Hell, if I knew that would be my only chance to mess around, I probably would have missed my ride home and taken the bus. It could have been worth it.

(Un)Coordinated

I am pretty uncoordinated especially when it comes to multitasking. When attempting to multitask, I always get distracted doing one thing, and end up not doing enough of the other. I cannot talk on the phone and messenger at the same time, I can’t do homework and talk. One or the other always ends up getting the majority of my attention. This is especially true when I masturbate using both a bullet with one hand and pushing my wand in and out of my pussy with the other.

This can get very frustrating when I come close to having an orgasm. I will eother stop rubbing my clit as much or stop pushing my wand in and out. This makes me wonder, how I would do at 69?

I have always wanted to try that, but how coordinated could I be? My ex let me try it with him once, but it only lasted for about five minutes because we could not get positioned right. Oh well, maybe another man that comes along would let me try it again.

My point is, I know my orgasm would come much stronger if I was able to stimulate both my pussy and my clit at the same time, rather than just most clit stimulation and the rest pussy, or most pussy stimulation and the rest clit stimulation.

During my first couple of years of learning how to please myself, I always got off pretty well with just clitoris stimulation. However, I always felt I wanted something more. I wanted to feel something inside of me. I remember that when I was little I had this curiosity of sticking a finger inside of my pussy, but never felt anything. Yet, when I did grow up and discovered my clit and had my first orgasms, I always felt my vaginal muscles contract. The feeling was empty, like there was something missing, and it would feel wonderful if I had a finger inside me, a dildo, or even a penis.

One night as my boyfriend (ex now) were masturbating together (I was playing with my clit, and him his cock), I asked him to put his finger inside me when I was about to come so that I could see how it felt. A few minutes later, he finished, cleaned up, washed his hands, and came back to bed.

When I felt close to coming, I told him I was ready. He leaned down and stuck his finger in. That was pretty much an instant orgasm for me as soon as he started sliding his finger in and out of my pussy. When I came, it felt amazing. I never made sounds before when I came, but this time it was different. I made lots of sound. Hearing those sounds was different, and my moans got louder. That answered the question I suppose, of whether I am a moaner or a screamer. I am definitely a moaner, with the potential of screaming.

Every so often when I would masturbate with him at his house, I would ask him for his finger. With the feeling of something inside me, I cum harder than I do with clit stimulation by itself. With someone working my pussy, and me working my clit, coordination for me is no problem. However, now that I am single again and left to please my self by myself, it is hard to do these two simple things at once.

I think what I need to get myself is a rabbit vibrator. I mean, I have one, its just that the shaft is too big for me to use at the moment, since it hurts a little when inserted. So far, the biggest thing I have been able to insert has a one inch diameter, and ¾ inch diameter for my second favorite toy. If anyone know a good rabbit vibrator that is about 1 inch or ¾ of an inch in diameter, please feel free to let me know. I would be happy to find something that satisfies both my clit and pussy at the same time.