There have been many times in my life where I had only one chance to do something, and if I could, many of those opportunities I wish I could redo, or have more time with that one chance. But with all of those, I certainly do not wish to take anything back. If anything, I would wish it had happened today, where I had more experience, and was ready for whatever the outcome would be. I hope that makes sense.
For example, if I could go back in time, wish I could redo the weekend where I had the chance to make out with this guy I liked. Yes, we did make out, but I wish it had happened when I had more experience, or when I didn’t feel so shy. I probably could have learned a lot. The only thing I really learned from him was that not all guys suck at kissing, but guys can be real dicks too. That was an interesting experience, and I think I plan on sharing that for a later entry.
As another example, I wish I had one more chance with my bi friend. If I hadn’t been so self conscious, I would have been able to explore my sexuality more. I already said in the entry Experimentation what I would have done differently. Like I said at the beginning of this post, if only I had one more chance, one last time.
However, I think the biggest thing that is eating at me right now is the fact that I wish I had more time with the guy I “experimented” with a couple of weeks ago. Don’t get me wrong, we did nothing too serious, but I still wish I had done some things differently at the time I had the chance with him.
Pretty much what happened is this: we were standing alone outside, away from everyone, and he asked me if I wanted to touch his cock. Now this wasn’t as random as it sounds. A few nights before we were cybering on instant messenger, and the night after that we actually cybered while masturbating together on webcams. He knew I wanted to do stuff in person, and this was his way of testing me to see how far I would go.
I think if I had known that it would most likely be my only chance to fool around with him in person, I would have been more open. Yeah, I did put my hand on his dick, but only after ten minutes of him coaxing me to do so, and then him finally just taking my hand and putting it on his hard cock. My hand rested on it for about a second until I jerked it away. This went on for about another five minutes, and eventually I was placing my hand on and off his cock, reaching inside his pants, feeling his precum drip, and jerking him off between feels. Unfortunately I had to leave or miss my ride home, so he walked me to my friend’s car.
A lot of guilt had been going through me that day. I was feeling vulnerable, scared, emotional. It was just recently that I had broken up with my boyfriend of almost seven months. I kind of think he was feeding off of my emotions now, that he was using me. Oh well, like I said, guys can be dicks.
Anyways, the point is, I was scared at the time this was happening, I was confused. If my one chance had been today, or I had more time to fool around or think about it, I probably would have been less shy. Every time I am around him I get so incredibly horny. In the few days that I knew him I learned to associate him with everything sexual, by how we started talking, messing around on webcams, and that one day that I wouldn’t take back, but I would certainly redo it. Hell, if I knew that would be my only chance to mess around, I probably would have missed my ride home and taken the bus. It could have been worth it.