Growing up I made and lost a lot of friends. Some I lost because of school changes, some because we just drifted apart, or others for reasons I don’t know. Over this time, I noticed a pattern of getting very close to these people, becoming the best of friends, and then somehow the friendship dies.

In first grade, we had a new girl in class. We became automatic best friends. We were inseparable, where one of us was, so was the other. We had sleepovers every weekend, and during one spring vacation week off she stayed over the whole time. We did get sick of each other by the end of break, but when the next Monday rolled around, we were back to being best of buds.

In fourth grade I switched schools, and we lost contact. Her phone got disconnected and I never had a way to reach her, and neither of us had emails. Ironically, when I went back to my old school that she was at, she had transferred to the school I left.

I didn’t really make any other close friends until 7th grade. She would always come over and we would get ready for school dances together, make fun of the girl in class with the hugest tits by stuffing socks into our bras. When we had sleepovers we had this game we played when we went to bed where we would take turns playing each other’s crushes, making up scenarios on how we “managed to be able to stay at our crushes house.” I think her and I had the best connection when it came to talking about stuff outside of the norm.

In 9th grade, I moved half way across the country. We called each other about once a week, but by the second year of me being away, ironically right before I moved back to my hometown, we lost touch. She had newer friends, with more in common. However, while I was living half way across the country, I got into contact with a boy from my elementary school.

Growing up we never really talked or hung out. We were both the outsiders, and would get bullied by this one kid in our class, so we thought we could minimize getting picked on by not talking. We really started to talk when I called him on his birthday one year. After that we called each other at least once every week or two. One day we exchanged one of those surveys over email, and one of the questions asked was he would ever go out with me. He answered yes, and that’s when I thought I really had a crush on him.

When I moved back to my hometown, we became the best of friends. We had tons in common, went everywhere together, and our parents (whom were both very strict), let us do whatever we wanted, no curfew because we were trusted so much. We never did anything, only hugged a few times. I had the biggest crush on him by this time. I always wanted to tell him, but never found the right time, place or words. I think that was for the best.

In October of my senior year, I got an email from him. It said that he didn’t want to be friends anymore and to never talk to him again. I was crushed, but my other friends (not as close at the time), really helped pull me through. That is when I became very close to a girl that was a grade below me. We had a sleepover one night, and we confessed all our secrets to each other. It was an instant connection. There were others in our group, and while we were all still in high school, where one of us was, so was the rest.

After I graduated, we all seemed to slowly drift apart. After the rest of them graduated, we really started to drift. Some of us started college, some went to work, some enlisted into the military, and others got into some trouble.

I think that because I have had such a bad track record in keeping friends, I have the hardest time letting go to the people I have in my life. I always had the pattern of making a really close friend, and then one day I come to realize that we drifted apart, went our own ways, or just plain broke each other’s hearts. This is why I think I have such horrible attachment issues. I want to hold on, never let them go, but spend as much time with them as I can before they someday leave my life.

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