For the past few years, off and on, I have felt like I have wanted a friend with benefits. I just wanted someone to fool around with, experiment with, and discover myself. This feeling has been much stronger for the last few months though.I just know however, that I could not handle it emotionally.
Pretty much my whole life I never really had the best self esteem. Although my self esteem has improved greatly over the past two years, I still don’t think I could handle it. This is irritating to me. It’s irritating because I don’t want a commitment right now, but I really want someone to help me discover myself. I try to masturbate to get it out of my system, the horniness, but it doesn’t help. Yeah, I can have an orgasm, but in the end I feel even hornier afterwards, wishing someone was there to help me do what I do.
I also think it’s an attachment issue. My whole life I have always tended to get really attached, especially to people I do stuff with. I can certainly name a few examples, the guy in the basement being one attachment. Luckily we didn’t do anything except kiss (though kissing was a big deal to me then, not so much now). Over the years, I had smaller attachments. I would think that any guy that talked to me or was nice to me automatically making me feel an attachment, a crush of sorts.
Though, I think the biggest attachment has been made within the past few weeks, though thankfully it has pretty much went away since he left. This attachment was with my so called best friend, the one who asked me to give him a blow job. I warned him I had attachment issues, and I was right. I did develop a slight attachment to him, though every time I tried to talk to him about it he blew me off.
Since he is gone, I have begun to think more clearly. He knew I trusted him, and that’s how he knew I was able to say yes, that I would think I could talk to him afterwards. Before this incident, I really wanted a friend with benefits. Now, I am not so sure.
A part of me is terrified of the idea of having one, because of the pain emotional pain I put myself through. The other part of me really wants a friend with benefits. I don’t want one just for the sexual stuff, I want one to help me learn to distance myself.
I am sure this post is a mixture of repetitiveness and ramblings, but maybe I could get some advice? Have you had a friend with benefits? How did you handle it? Did it ever become a problem for you?