I have done a lot of thinking ever since my last post about Toby. I know in my heart that I don’t want to do anything with him next week. It just isn’t worth how I end up feeling afterwards.
I have been trying to figure out how to break it to him, but I just can’t find the right words. Everything I think of makes me sound crazy and held down by lots of emotional baggage. I know I need to just forget him and move on, which is what I was doing a damn good job of until he texted me the other night.
“Experimenting” with him is just not a good idea. I know what I want, and what I want is something that I doubt he can give me. I want more than just a good time. I want stability, I want certainty. With him, the only certain thing about him is how I will feel like crap afterwards, especially if he doesn’t talk to me for several months again. I don’t think I could handle it.
Tonight I freaked out. I got called into work, and right before he started his shift, before he even got there, I freaked. That is when I realized how stupid it would be to get with him. I was listening to my iPod as I cleaned my bathroom and on my break, and ironically every song steered me away from him.
I have been trying to not to think about him, avoiding everything that reminds me of him like the plague. For example, when he picked me up and dropped me off that one night, he was playing the new Nickelback cd. Now, I love Nickelback, but ever since that night, I have had a hard time listening to it. It reminds me too much of him and the night we spent together.
Another example is when I walk across the parking lot on the way to work in the morning, I feel a surge of anger and resentment when I see his car. I don’t know what the hell my problem is. I think I am crazy. I am obsessive. I am confused.
I don’t think I have ever felt so confused and so certain about what I want. I am confused because it shouldn’t be a big deal to me, I should just make a decision. I know now that I don’t want anything to do with him, but at the same time I am afraid to cut ties with him in worries that there will be no one else, at least for a very long time.
I need to call Brent. Right now, he is what I want, what I need. My friends have been encouraging me to do so, but I have been too chicken shit to do so. I don’t want to seem like I am throwing myself at him, like I am too pushy. I feel like I did my part, I texted him, and he said he got the text when I saw him. I feel, like it is his turn to contact me. However, I have heard no word from him. I made the excuse for him that his phone may have possibly automatically cleared his texts before he was able to save my number.
I keep telling myself I will do it tomorrow, I will call him, but we will see. Wish me luck.