A Royal Fuck Up

Well, I fucked up royally. It started with my mother not wanting to take me to work. She told me to ask Toby for a ride, since she is under the impression that we are such great friends. I told her I didn’t want to, that I like him more than a friend and he does not. Basically, I came up with every G-Rated excuse. She wasn’t having it, and said she would really appreciate it if I asked.

So, I did, very reluctantly. Stupidly though, I felt the need to bargain for a ride. I sent this: “I know it’s out of your way, but do you think I could get a ride with you to work? My mom doesn’t want to drive me. I can make it up to you if you want.” Stupid, right? Well, thank fuck he said he couldn’t (he had some excuse, like always).

Well, I didn’t hear anything from him again until this afternoon when he texted me. He asked me what I wanted, because he was under the impression that I wanted to stop the “experimenting” (as he calls it). I told him that honestly I didn’t know what I wanted anymore and had mixed feelings about everything.

He told me that he hoped I figured it out soon. I asked him what that meant, since I thought he didn’t care which way I chose to go (whether to stop or continue things with him). He texts back that everything was “way fun,” but he was ok either way.

Yeah. This whole thing doesn’t help that I have been horny for a while, wishing I had something to do. It doesn’t help that I keep thinking that no one has ever kissed me like he did that last time. It doesn’t help that I can only remember the good feelings I get, and never the bad.

It really didn’t help when he played the understanding card, and said: “Plus I know it sucks when you have mixed feelings and you can’t figure out what you want or what you want to do.” That’s exactly how I felt, how I feel right now. I agreed with him.

He then tells me this: “See? Sucks to be you right now. I’m sorry. Hope you figure it out.” What the fuck does that mean? It sucks to be me right now? Really?

I haven’t replied to that last text. I just don’t know what to think anymore. I mean, this morning when he saw me he did not look too happy (but I think that’s because he was confused by me). A part of me wants to continue, to help ease my curiosity of how much I can push my attachment issues, to help ease my horniness. The other part of me keeps reminding myself that I always feel used afterwards.

Why didn’t I just lie to my mom and tell her he wasn’t working that night, or pretended to text him and just say he couldn’t anyways. I am afraid if I get with him again, it will be even harder to stop than last time.

I want to be honest with him, and tell him I feel used afterwards, aside from it being hot at first, try and see how he feels about me, but I know that would scare him off? Why does the idea of him not talking to me or not being friends with him anymore bother me so much? Why can’t I just say no? I have a strong feeling about where I may decide to go with this, and the way I want is not the best way for me.

(By the way, this would be SO much easier if I could hear back from Brent. We had an awesome time when we went out last week, and he ended up inviting me to a barbecue that weekend. However, I haven’t heard from him since he dropped me off after that barbecue. He will be gone the rest of the summer, so I am 95% sure I won’t see him until school starts).

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