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Just the Way I Am

I have noticed a new defense mechanism my self conscious does. The last few “possibilities” I intentionally tried to scare away (and it worked). I guess my reasoning is that if they can’t handle the real me now, we might have problems later (if there ever was a chance for later). I talked in my last post how insecure I am while trying to date. This is the result.

I can come off as strong. Too strong sometimes I think. I have always felt the need to give my all in relationships. I will jump through hoops for a guy, even when I just met him. I think I learned that from my mom, as she did everything she could to make a guy happy.

I am incredibly loyal. Even in friendships I have felt the need to come last. Ha, I guess that’s why I am ok with making myself orgasm after the guy has had his. Anyways… I am the type of person that loves to spend every free moment I can with a special someone. Will hated it in the beginning and would only see me once a week, if that. Finally when he fell in love (supposedly) he would make more excuses to see me.

I am a lot more honest and open to guys I have been talking to, though Salien is the only one that learned about my blog within a few days of texting. In fact, he’s the only guy I have been talking to that learmed about it at all. Will didn’t learn the true extent of the blog until well into over a year in our relationship.

Right before meeting Salien I realized that I wanted a relationship and not a friend with benefits like I thought. At first, to be honest, I did want to scare him away. We had so much in common and felt the same way about things it terrified us. That’s when I kind of reigned in my “scare away” tactic. I realized that by scaring them away early, I could prevent myself from getting hurt before I got too attached.

Attachment is a huge issue for me. I get attached too easily. Having friends with benefits kind of toughened me up a bit, but not much. It made it easier not to care if I was used. it was a close call with D. I knew he had some baggage, but I let myself get semi attached in my mind to get over Will. I haven’t talked to D in months and I am over both him and Will. A win win for all, I think.

I have always tried to think ahead. Sometimes I think too far ahead or overthink things. I like to plan things out. When I meet someone, the first thing I find myself asking myself if I see “us” together. I am always afraid of scaring someone away by trying to plan too far in advance.

1 thought on “Just the Way I Am”

  1. There’s nothing wrong with trying to minimize damage when you realize it’s inevitably coming. Sometimes, though, what terrifies us is not how well we mesh and gel with somebody but instead the potential pain we may face if the wonderful similarities aren’t enough to help sustain the relationship. We literally freak out over the future ending before things really begin. Accepting that things are awesome now, riding that wave, and putting in the effort to maintain that ride is difficult to learn but absolutely worth it. You’ll find your balance, though; from the sound of it, Salien may even be able to help. 😉

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