I didn’t really think I had an answer to this prompt, mainly because I have learned not to have regrets, that everything that happens in my life is a learning experience. However, after thinking on it for a while, there is one thing that I feel very guilty for, something I did that is against everything I normally would do.
Back in my sophomore year of high school in Kansas, a few weeks after i got dumped after 5 days of being “together,” I met a boy that rode my bus in the grade below me. He was a sweet boy and we became fast friends. We became kind of cuddle buddies, holding hands in the hallways at school, cuddling and holding hands under the stairs in the school, and cuddling on the bus until it was his turn to get off.
He was always super sweet, several occasions I remember. One day I was feeling particularly sorry for myself, and called myself “fat.” He immediately said, “you’re not fat, your fluffy.” That made me feel a little bit better, and we hugged and held hands. Another time, “my ex” and I got our pictures back from the homecoming dance we went to together. Someone in the ex’s class drew and wrote nasty things all over one of his pictures about me. When my friend saw these, he tore them up and said some really sweet and nice things to make me feel better.
This guy was great, but I never saw him as more than a friend. One day, while sitting under the stairs holding hands and cuddling, this exchange happened:
Him: I need some advice.
Me: What’s up? Maybe I can help.
Him: I like this girl, and I think she likes me. Should I tell her?
Me: Oh, definitely.
Him: I just did.
At that moment the bell rang and I felt I could not leave fast enough. I just didn’t know how to tell this guy that I just wasn’t interested that way. I felt bad for encouraging him to “tell me,” even though there was no way to have expected that. Well, looking back it was obvious that the signs of his crush were there.
I feel so ashamed at how I acted. I stopped talking to him, completely avoiding him. Eventually he stopped trying. A few months later I moved back to my hometown in California. If there is one thing in my life that I wish I could redo, it was how things ended with this really sweet guy. Thinking back on it, I feel sick. I need to forgive myself for this, as I was young and dumb.