There a lot of times I just feel inferior. The adjective definition of “inferior” is “lower in rank, status, or quality.” I feel inferior when I am at my job (there is not a lot of respect going to the janitorial staff). I feel inferior when I see someone better looking than me (skinnier, longer hair, no glasses, etc) (though I know everyone has their own attractions).
In my sophomore year of high school I had a crush on this guy. At first this guy was really sweet and gave awesome hugs. Soon the guy turned out to be a real jerk though. He began playing mind games with me, leading me on, eventually standing me up. Not long after he came to school saying that he had a girlfriend. That night on MSN messenger he sent me a picture of this beautiful high school girl. In his message he said, “Now you see why I chose her over you,” and signed off.
That incident kind of broke me I feel. True, I have low self esteem anyways a lot of the time and I know I can’t blame all of my feelings of inferiority on this one incident. However, it still hurt and it has always stuck with me.
The last few people I have “dated” and/or been with always gave me some kind of reason on why they couldn’t be with me. Some said they were still getting over their ex, others just said that we were looking for different things, they just quit talking to me (and I immediately backed off and moved on), or a combination of the above.
Sunday night I was texting a guy. He started talking dirty, saying how horny he was. I told him that I was more than willing to help him with that. He texted back asking if I would suck him off, swallowing his hot, white load. I was more than willing to accept. He said he would check his schedule and get back to me. The next morning I get on Facebook for the first time in a few days and guess who was listed in a relationship. Yup, the one I was texting dirty with, making plans to hang out and do naughty things. So basically, this guy has not even been in a relationship a week and he was already planning on cheating on her with me.
Now, this is honestly something I expected. A few weeks ago after we hooked up he was tagged in some pictures with some gorgeous chick at the river. I was a little bummed, but I let it go, as I knew nothing romantic would ever come of us (for lots of different reasons).
Him being now in a relationship with this girl irritated the hell out of me. Not only the fact that he was planning on cheating on her with me, but the fact that he kind of lied I feel. He lost touch for several months, but before he disappeared he was having trouble getting over his ex and was super busy.
Even though I never saw us in a relationship, it still makes me feel a bit inferior because this pattern of lies and bullshit from guys is getting really old. Seriously, if you don’t want to date me, just tell me. If you don’t find me attractive, don’t lead me on. If you only want sex, don’t fucking lie to me about it. The fact that this pattern of bad dates and deceit just makes me feel so defective.
Overall, the only two things I find unattractive about myself are my weight and my buzzed off hair. However, the fact that I keep getting lied to makes me feel like there is something wrong with my personality. I really have no idea what is wrong with me, besides the weight and the hair (my parents ingrained it into my head that no guy will love me when I am fat, Will and his mom did not help with that) and my “friends” tell me that having super short hair turns people off from me and that that is why I have no other friends or boyfriends. Some friends, huh?