Ever since I was a toddler, I have struggled with weight. I remember when I was three or four my mom had my lie down on my back so that we could button some pants I had.

I got made fun of in school, some bullies called me “rolls.” When we had earthquakes, the next day in class the kids would ask if I fell out of bed, etc. I was asthmatic, so running never went well for me. When I tried, he kids walked faster than I ran and made sure to taunt me about it.

My parents always made it known that I was “fat,” though they were ones to talk. They commented on watching my portions, not eating “fat food,” etc. however, they never gave me the tools I needed to do something about it. I ate what they cooked, then got ridiculed for wanting more.

My second year in high school I lost a lot of weight. It was probably a combination of being starved (mom had no job, we had no food, and even had cake mix for dinner one night) and the fact that I took swimming for PE. When I moved back in with my dad and stepmom I kept losing weight. I had to walk a mile up and down a steep hill to the bus stop in the boonies.

Senior year I had one of my biggest heart breaks as a young one. My best friend wrote me an email telling me that he didn’t want to be my friend anymore, we had nothing in common, and to never speak to him again. I was crushed. I soon moved back in with my mom and started gaining my weight back.

Currently I am at my heaviest weight ever, and I am ashamed. I hate how I look, how I feel. I hate that I have trouble sitting at restaurants now, as the tables so damn squished. I hate that I can’t find clothes that fit. I am starting to have breathing problems and hygiene issues.

I have tried diets and exercise. With diets, the healthy food is so fucking expensive. Every time I find myself In a financially safe spot to buy “the good stuff,” something happens to negate that. Before the accident I had massive foot pain that made it near impossible to walk at the end of the day. The doctors had no answers. They kept prescribing me anti inflammatory drugs and pain killers, that did nothing. I still can’t be on my feet long periods of time. Now with the neck injury, I have to be careful. I can’t lift weights or swim because it makes my neck pop and my back starts tingling then spasming.

Last week I went to the doctor to talk about my options. I want to get the stomach surgery, as I feel I am a good candidate. The doctor agrees with me. Next week I have an appointment with a nutritionist to try and get me on an affordable, healthy eating plan. I would like to avoid surgery if I can, but if I can’t, I am prepared to take the risk.

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