**The words and phrases in this post that are in quotes are actually quotes and my too young to understand thoughts. Please excuse my misuse of some terms, such as “vagina” instead of “vulva.”
Nudity always has, and probably always will be, a sexual thing for me. My parents sheltered me very badly, teaching me to be very ashamed of nudity. The biggest thing I can remember that this comes from is once, when I was maybe two or three, I was in my parent’s room on a weekend morning. My dad kept telling me to go and let them have their “quiet time,” but I would not listen. I wanted to play.
My dad slept naked, so when he got out of bed I really noticed that “mommy and daddy looked very different.” I stared, and my dad got very upset. He started yelling, telling me to “quit looking at his peter.” He spanked me and sent me to my room. I went away crying, but with the idea that there was something very wrong with seeing other people’s “private parts.”
Fast forward a few years and my dad was in some jean cut offs. He had kind of a bulge, and I glanced at him for a few seconds too long. He flipped out and told me to “quit staring at his body,” and flipped on the TV and told me to stare at those bodies is I wanted to look.
Fast forward another few years. I was about eight or nine and I was experiencing my first crush. At this point in age, I had a fascination with the idea of seeing the male genitalia. I had no idea about sex or what it was. I thought you simply “showed your parts” to someone you like to prove it. I wanted to show my crush my “vagina.”
I told this wish to a girl my mom was babysitting. She ended telling my dad while I was in the bathroom. I got the spanking of my life, being yelled at, told that that is something for adults and I shouldn’t talk like that. I had no idea what I did wrong, or what I thought wrong. Like I said, I had no idea what this stuff was or what it meant.
Fast forward another 10 years and I had my first real boyfriend. The first time I saw him naked I felt guilty. I was 18 and completely terrified that I got to see his penis, let alone touch it. I felt sick to my stomach when he left for the night, worrying something would happen to him until he messaged me to say he was home.
To be honest, I still feel guilty when I see a partner’s penis and touch it. I hope that someday that feeling will go away. I still get a huge thrill when I think of someone’s penis being shown to me. I get wet and my pussy clenches in anticipation. I get even more excited as it is happening, watching “the big unveiling.” It is great that something gets me so excited, but is it really appropriate? It depends on the situation, I guess.