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Six Years Ago

Six years ago today I lost my “technical” virginity. I say technical because i had done pretty much everything except have a penis inside my vagina. Before it happened, I wanted it to be with someone special, especially if it could be on my wedding night.

During the 30 seconds of humiliation, I was confused, angry, and curious. I was confused because I wasn’t expecting it. I had told him PIV was against my rules for us playing together. I was angry because all he said was “My bad,” and kept going. I was curious because I had always wondered what it would be like.

Looking back on that day, I have changed a lot. I am a lot more carefree about sex. As much as I hate how he did that against my wishes, I don’t regret it. It opened so many doors and experiences that I would have no clue about if I had stayed a virgin. As much as I hate that it was him, I am also kind of glad it wasn’t someone special. If it was someone special, there would have been attachment.

I did the rape debate. Some days I felt like it was rape, because he knew that wasn’t what I wanted, and even though I didn’t tell him to stop, the meaning was there when I told him “wrong hole.” Other days, I didn’t feel like it could be rape. I didn’t say no. I didn’t try and stop him. I let him do his thing because I was curious.

When it all comes down to it, I am glad it happened. I wasn’t glad at the time, but I try and not live in regrets. It opened my eyes. Nothing bad happened from having sex. It opened so many fun opportunities and fun experiences.

I have changed a lot in six years. I grew, and learned some very important lessons. It also feels like it has been more than six years since my life changed forever.

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