Day 9, post 9
Content Warning: Anxiety, work stress, depression
It was only recently that I realized my depression has always been accompanied by anxiety. I didn’t really put two and two together that what I was feeling about things I dreaded was anxious. My anxiety has been even more prelevant lately. It was when I started reading about other people’s issues with anxiety that I began to relate and say to myself “yup, that’s me too.”
I have it mostly Sunday night and Monday mornings on my way to work. I start stressing Monday night about having to go back. Any relaxation I felt Friday and/or Saturday disappear. I worry about how much work I have left, or wonder “what if I have to ask my supervisor a question?”
I never really had problems with my supervisor, or so I thought, until recently. The last few weeks though, she started pulling me aside and dropping these little hints that made me feel two inches tall. Sometimes stooping so low as to hang a promotion over my head that made me feel like she does not want me to have. Every time I ask her a question lately, she twists my words against me, making me feel like I used the wrong vocabulary completely. When I start to panic, she tells me to be confident. She tells me if I want the promotion I need to be great, and right now I am just ok. I don’t know what else to do to please her. It seems like everything she tells me is a contradiction to something she said earlier.
I know a lot of the above paragraph is anxiety and depression. The inner voice agrees that I am not good enough. I never will be. I tell myself that she is still my favorite supervisor, because I have been bullied by others. I don’t think she is bullying me, I truly believe that she is trying to help my anxiety and issues from past bosses, but I feel like it is the wrong approach with me.
The best way to build my confidence is to compliment me, let me know I am doing a good job. I haven’t heard those compliments since I started a year ago. It was a real slap in the face when during our compliment go round at the meeting this week she complimented everyone except Aaron and I. The inner voice had a lot to say about that.
Sorry about the rambly post. I had this worded much better in my head, but I had to get something out. I keep telling myself I have had worse bosses.