Food for Thoguht – Privacy, An Evolution of Sorts

Day 16, Post 16 – I am a little late to the Food for Thought party, but I really liked the topic, so I wanted to add my piece.

When I first started this blog back in September 2008, I was very open about this blog. I was going to college at the time and just learning about being sexual. I told pretty much everyone I knew that I had a sex blog (except family). It because a diary of sorts, and a way for my friends to live vicariously through my adventures. I was careful though, to hide my real identity to strangers. It also because a place to be able to look back at said adventures. This blog is the reason I write the way I do: So descriptive that you can feel like you were there. I wanted to be able to relive those moments of lust and fun.

Once the people I was starting to play around with learned about my blog, I learned to keep it a little more private. They wanted me to write about them. In turn, I became self conscious about what I wrote. I didn’t want to hurt feelings by writing something they didn’t like. I was also afraid of making them jealous.

When I moved in with Will, I kind of stopped writing all together. It was a sex blog and we weren’t having sex. I didn’t see the point in my blog anymore. I started writing again after I found something he had been lying about. It wasn’t a way to get back at him, but it was in a way I guess. After we broke up, I started playing around again and writing about it. I was a lot more quiet about it in “real life.” Online was fair game.

There was one time that I showed my face, and almost came out with my name. I haven’t had the courage since.

One day I got an email that scared me. Somewhere I had been too open about something and got an email. It was somebody I didn’t know asking to meet up and they mentioned someplace local. I was creeped out. I went quiet for a while. I missed writing, so I came back under a different pen name. I told a few online friends my new name to be and wiped my old name as best I could.

I went through writing and quiet phases. Quiet phases were no sex drive phases, no dating. Writing became an escape. When I dated Andy, sex was rare. In the seven months we dated, we only had sex 6 times, half of those times in the first month. I became paranoid of him finding my blog. It was a place I vented about him, so I didn’t want him to see it. It was also a place to relive those few precious then times. He didn’t give me the attention I wanted, so I used my blog for it. The dirty pics I sent to him and got half of a response, I got a ton more from the readers on my blog.

When Aaron and I dated, I felt awkward writing. He’s a very private person, so I felt awkward writing about our sexy times. I opened up about my blog to him. He still reads and I still write. We have talked more about it, and he is more comfortable with the idea of me writing about our sexy adventures. When my sex drive comes back, I will try writing about it and he will see how he likes it. We shall see, but overall my privacy has seen an erratic evolution.

F4Thought

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