Day 18, post 18 – A kind of rambly, but I needed to get thoughts down. I am also running out of ideas, so I needed to keep up the writing habit. If I slow down I will fall back. If I fall back, I will probably disappear again.
I have not had a sex drive in over a year. I think I have mentioned this in a previous post (or two or three or…). I am pretty sure it’s the birth control. I have also been feeling completely disgusted with my body. Perhaps that is another part. I still have sex though, about once a week I will feel a small window of horniness. I rarely even masturbate though.
I want to rediscover myself, but I don’t know how. I haven’t watched porn in over two years. It’s never been something that interested me when I was in a relationship. Maybe I need to try to watch it again? I don’t know what turns me on any more.
I don’t know what works for me anymore. Places on my body that were once highly erogenous are now numb (not physically, I just don’t get that feeling that I used to when touched there). At times I don’t even want to be touched, making it harder to relearn myself.
I feel like such a mess, I don’t know where to start picking up the pieces and starting over with my sexuality. I know it’s not normal to feel this way, but what if it is more common than I think?
Aaron wants to help me rediscover myself. We have ordered several different candles and massage oils to try. We are going to start with simple touch and massages, to try and grow from there.
Has anyone else went through this (I don’t know what to call it, but funk)? How did you handle it, or help it?