Day 31, post 30 – Well, I made it through all 30 (plus 1) days, and all 30 posts. This post will combine this week’s and last weeks SB4MH, since time escaped me and I missed the link up.
I personally do not get angry too often, though I sometimes get a little roadragey/venty when I am driving home. By that point in the day I just want to be away from work and at home. It does not help that I hate driving and do not trust the other drivers. My boyfriend is always trying to keep me calm, but sometimes I just want to let off some steam. I don’t see it as anger.
Thinking back, there is nothing that has ever really truly angered me, though it might irritate me. I was the same as a kid, though I remember one of my only tantrums. My parents always made me go to bed at a stupid early time, but I have always been a bit of a night owl. It was the night that one of my favorite shows to watch with my parents came on and they would not let me stay up the extra 20 minutes to watch. They continued to watch the show while I cried in my room loudly. I think I even hit and kicked the walls from in bed. Finally my parents gave in and let me watch the show. Honestly, I am surprised they did. It almost feels like they were rewarding my bad behavior.
I do not do well around confrontation and angry yelling. I tend to just freeze up and put up a wall. When I was a kid I would just cry when angry outbursts happened around me.
I have spent several parts of my life surrounded by toxic people. The biggest examples I have of them are exes and past managers. One manager in particular was very mean, and we (us workers) could ever do anything to please her. Even when we did a good job or had better results, we were still wrong in her eyes. She was very micromanagey. I even got a write-up once for wearing my uniform instead of dressing up for a certain event (that was not a huge deal).
As for exes, I have written about them before. Some were just bitter about life in general and it began to rub off on me. I would feel and repeat the hateful things he said about our work and others. It took me a long time to see the toxicity in him and our relationship.
Another ex admitted to me after we broke up that he only dated me because he didn’t think he would ever have a chance with anyone else. He was always negative and when I told him to try being positive, he said “what is the point? It will just fail anyways.” While we dated, he always made sure to tell me he wasn’t attracted to me, and even got me to dye my hair because he hated blondes (which I am). I couldn’t get away fast enough.
Nowadays I do my best to avoid anyone who might bring me down. I just don’t want to deal with it, and I feel like I dealt with that kind of crap too long anyways.