I am unsure if social anxiety is something new in my life, or it has always been present and I chocked it up to just being nervous. Either way, I know now that I do have social anxiety. Some days are better than others, depending on the situation.
I have always been socially awkward. People tend to find me annoying. I was a very clingy and attention needy kid. I had no concept of personal space (both in conversation and physicality). I have always been overly friendly, too nice for my own good even. Through all that, I was always kind of a social butterfly. I preferred small gatherings rather than large gatherings because I always ended up feeling left out.
Now I am the complete opposite. I am very aware of other people’s personal bubbles, and mine has definitely become more present. My depression probably has a big factor in my anxiety, as I am just not motivated to do anything outside of the house. I find myself making excuses from doing the things I used to love (weekly game nights with friends, etc).
New situations don’t really make me nervous, but they do make me anxious for them to hurry up and be over so that I can go home. Lately I have just been wanting to lose myself, and I have in a way. I started playing something I haven’t played in several years. I realized that i only really get into it when my depression gets really bad. That game is also another reason why I haven’t posted very consistently lately. I am sorry for that, but I needed to take care of me.
I am much more aware of the fact that I annoy people. I don’t know how to fix it though. People that seem much more “eccentric” than me seem and feel much more appreciated. Even when I stay quiet and not talk people get irritated with me. Maybe it is my social anxiety telling me all of this.
It is a running joke with my boyfriend and I when we have to go somewhere (that involves socializing) I make it a point to say goodbye to things that we pass. “(Goodbye house. Goodbye tree. Goodbye fence. Goodbye sign., Etc).” The farther away from home we get, the more dramatic I get. I know it gets annoying, so I don’t do it too often; only when I am having a bad day.
I admit, I never understood social anxiety until I experienced my own. Now I am trying to balance having enough time to visit, adult (work, bleh), and take time for me.